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  2. A. Baez

    Three Fingers and a Thumb

    Bob, I know you're happy with your version, but since you've explained your reasons, I'll briefly explain mine: 1) Okay, the planet reference eluded me, and I still don't see the reason for the bolded letters there or below. 2) Okay, but "blame of plenty" doesn't really make sense to me. You mean the blaming of plenty of people or circumstances? Or blaming aplenty? 3) Same as #1. 4) I meant that critics are equally easy to find as blame is. I was just looking for an alternative to your version because its phraseology sounds awkward to me. 5) "Bespeak" means "to be evidence of," not "ask a question." My alternative line, "points to a curious thought," introduces a pun on the pointer figure while conveying the same basic idea you were, just not in the personal form. To me, it doesn't make much difference whether this idea is phrased personally or impersonally, but one could argue that the latter makes the poem more universally engaging. 6) No change in mine. 7) "Linger to place vast blame" doesn't make sense in this context; what you really mean, I think is "hesitate to place vast blame." That's why I added "in silence" here. Also, "vast" sounds like a throwaway word added just to fill the meter, which my change eliminates. 8 "They" or "man"--the choice is yours. The former keeps the focus more limited by referring (in my mind) back to "critics"; the latter universalizes it. For what it's worth, as a woman, I'm not keenly opposed to the gender-neutral usage of the word "man," and I employ it this way occasionally myself.
  3. Yesterday
  4. bob

    Three Fingers and a Thumb

    Hi A. Baez Thanks for the return critique. Just for the fun of it. Lets say I am going to analyze my poem. Analyzing sometimes takes the fun and pleasure out f writing. None-the-less I’ll give it a go. It does however give pause to thought, “did I really say what I was thinking?” Self critiquing is very important, and in the case of your critique, I will add this; “No matter how many persons read a poem or written statement, there is a great possibility each person may see the total picture quite differently than someone else. That was a general consensus of how our radio programs were interpreted, when we, as children had to imagine happenings or locations mentioned in our thriller programs. Many of us could create a different picture in our minds during the story. First line: When we speak/write of our nine worlds (Pronoun)in this solar system, (naming the planets with capitol lettered names.) So be it in my poem...A flawed, world of Did and Did Not. Remember this is purely a hypothetical world/planet in my mind. Second line: Clinches the fact... I am referring to a major fault of that planet's/world's, population, which is criticizing others. Third line: Supposedly, my knowing there is such a world, my assumption is...there are critics with a You Did it Finger (Capitalized), and not a Pointer, Middle Finger, Ring Finger, Little Finger, and Thumb. Fourth line: True, as you state ”easily found”. not “equally”...I say this only because of an “abundance” of that physical trait, but not a trait of all of its populace. Fifth line: Referring to the Sixth line: "I’ve got to ask this question". Sixth line: “WOULD” critics (of that planet) hesitate to criticize? Seventh line: To blame anyone for wrong doing? Eight line: Assuming their species (not man) has no Pointer Finger, as we relate to one of ours? I should have stated "THEY" had no Pointer Finger...not Man. *********************************************** Well? What do you think "A" did we tear it apart well enough? Thanks for the return comments. I enjoyed it. We just have to reconsider one thing..."the same story read by different persons can be interpreted quite differently. Sometimes changing a word, phrase or sentence, can change an entire thought process of what the writer was attempting to portray." Bob
  5. tonyv

    Rathpiper castle

    I love "sky of mirrors" and "clouds of bone." I also looked at some images of Rathdowney, particularly THIS one and THIS one and wondered what the lives of its inhabitants might be like. Tony
  6. eclipse

    Rathpiper castle

    Sky of mirrors, clouds of bone, symmetry of an architect waiting to be born. Moonlight imperceptibly massages stone, the weight of the moon's reflection on water the fate of the labourers bloody fingerprints on sand as he moves material for the construction of rathpiper castle, the worker sees himself in a watchtower in a fortress surrounding the moon watching the lives of those in Rathdowney fall.
  7. badger11

    Fly on the Wall

    I have a couple of foodie poems that will be appearing here... https://www.flyonthewallpoetry.co.uk/product-page/food-magazine-issue-six
  8. badger11

    London Grip

    I have a poem appearing here... https://londongrip.co.uk/2020/05/london-grip-new-poetry-summer-2020/#wood best Phil
  9. A. Baez

    Three Fingers and a Thumb

    Hi Bob, so sorry that for some reason I did not see the notification for your reply--I just found it yesterday after checking out the notification for dr_con's. While I was thinking of simply noting a few potentially tweakable areas in your poem, since you've invited me to present these thoughts in poetic form, I've tried. By the way, your title is cute! Three Fingers and a Thumb In a flawed world of "did" and "did not" With plenty of blame to go round, The critics with "you did it" fingers Are equally easily found. This points to a curious thought: Would critics falter or linger In silence before blaming others If man had no pointer finger?
  10. dcmarti1

    Necessity

    Thank you for commenting and reading. I am in an imagist mode, I guess. 😉 Keep safe. See you on the twitterz!
  11. Last week
  12. tonyv

    The Journeyman's guilt

    All I can think about after reading this is the AI coming to get us. Tony
  13. A. Baez

    Before it was decided

    Glad to hear your poem was cruelty-free, and I wish I could have seen all the poets you have!
  14. A. Baez

    Yaël

    "You know I'm way too shy to name it after myself and much too whipped to not name it after the idealized woman who is the subject of the poem." My my point was that she is not the subject of the poem! Frankly, I think you're just infatuated with the exotic sound of her name. 😉 And you didn't answer my Nubian ibex question. Now, I wasn't seriously suggesting you name the poem after yourself, but I do think that as an artist, you'd be greatly served by stepping back and trying to see this poem as a reader is more likely to see it. Yael in this poem is just a catalyst that brings out the narrator's long-standing struggles--if it were not her, it would have been someone or something else, and it likely has been other things, both before and since. The best that this poem has to offer is not about her, per se; I see it as along the lines of Edgar Lee Masters' Spoon River Anthology poems--narrators' lives distilled into a few telling particulars. Notice that these poems, even ones that feature love stories, are all titled after their narrators. However, I can see an ideal title for your poem as not necessarily a person's name (which could be fictional, you know) but something more general. Again, I think that where you trip up most in your poems is when you get wrapped up in yourself to the extent that you start losing sight of the bigger artistic picture. People are generally most affected by poems in which they perceive some aspect of universal truth, not just enter an unguided tour of someone else's jagged and quirky reality. In this poem, I think you hit this ideal on the head everywhere except for in the title. I think you pinpointed what I was experiencing with the meter in the "job well done" line: it's experienced differently on its own than it is in context. So now, go at it accordingly! Please refresh my above comments because I rethought the ones about "when"/"now" before you answered them. I don't care overly for "since," but I recognize that you have a conundrum here. "We can always talk about them. It's faster! 😉" Well, it may seem that way, but as you see in this case, my more incisive thoughts all came after the fact, in writing. 😉
  15. tonyv

    Yaël

    Yes, I do. 😏 You are too funny! 🤣 You know I'm way to shy to name it after myself and much too whipped to not name it after the idealized woman who is the subject of the poem. The title stays! Actually, taken by itself the line isn't metrically flawed: / ^FOR / a JOB / well DONE / for a JOB / NOT DONE / / headless iamb / iamb / iamb / anapest / spondee / -- but when reading from the preceding line, the first foot comes across as an anapest, and the flaw becomes apparent: / for a JOB / well DONE / for a JOB / not DONE / With "because" it would look like this: / for a JOB / well DONE / beCAUSE / a JOB / not DONE / / anapest / iamb / iamb / iamb / iamb / I'll read the poem a bunch more times and decide. Perhaps "since" would work. I'll ponder this some more. We can always talk about them. It's faster! 😉 Thank you, again.
  16. A. Baez

    Yaël

    You know I'm observant and that I would have seen the footnote whether you mentioned it to me or not. 😘 But my point is twofold--1) why even mention the freaking Nubian ibex in the footnote if it has zero to do with the poem? and 2) why is this poem, if it is named after a female, apparently named after the female character in it? To me, the narrator stands out definitively as being the subject of the poem: he dominates the first stanza and he gets the last line. You could just call the poem "Tõnis"! 😀 Well, the line seemed clunky to me, but you used subs in such a way here that I couldn't really tell what was trying to happen metrically. If "because" fixes things, that's ideal, imo. Now, I'm not a big fan of "her ace" in the third line here either, either in terms of meaning or flow, and what I really wanted to say was just "with her;" which of course didn't fit metrically. But you've already heard my concerns about "when" and its surrounding phraseology. My other idea was to use "now" instead of "when," since at least "now" doesn't carry a connotation of futurity or conditionality. However, that would give you two "nows" repeating in these three lines. I do like your change of "the" to "his"--the loss of slangy feel is made up for by the gain in specificity, I think. So maybe your latest version is the best overall. I had read it before you personally brought it to my attention; I wish I had the time to comment on all the older works of yours that I've read so far! They certainly have prompted thought. 💡
  17. tonyv

    Necessity

    Juris, you live in too nice a neighborhood if you're getting fines! 🤣
  18. tonyv

    Vines and Entanglements

    Remarkably easy (and a pleasure) to read. I love this: [emphasis mine] A good one, Juris! Tony
  19. dr_con

    Before it was decided

    Wow AB! Cool! I've seen a few poets over the years- alas Snyder eluded me;-) Thanks all for the comments and well, no deer was harmed in the making of this poem;-) (The time in quarantine has gotten strange (r) 😉 DC&J
  20. dr_con

    Night Visitation

    Ahh yes the origin of 'Lunacy' 😉 Good to the ear and goo to the eye/\. TY
  21. tonyv

    Yaël

    I did mention to you that I used a footnote and that the word used as the title is a Nubian ibex and a given name. In the case of this poem, it's a woman's name. The bigger problem I see in this line is a metrical flaw!!! It's short a foot! That's just wrong. "Because" in lieu of "for" would fix the flaw: for a job well done, because a job not done ... I'll have to think about all of this and look at this line in context, not just by itself. Good catch! I do, too. That's close. Maybe something like this: And now she has her own fine man, who can do anything with all those open doors, bonuses, when she is in his plan! It's one of my best lines in one of my best poem, I think. Thank you for resurrecting this old one and for all the thought you've put into it. I will let you know as soon as I deal with these issues, and I think it will be soon! 🙂
  22. dr_con

    Three Fingers and a Thumb

    Just plain fun! An enjoyable romp. TY!
  23. dr_con

    This Bed

    Agree. Sensous and well composed all the senses;-) TY JJ
  24. dr_con

    Necessity

    Indeed a lovely well done scene as if looking through a window (Possibly mine? Think we're getting a citation for my unmowed front lawn-sigh) A fine fine piece. TY Marti!
  25. dr_con

    Vines and Entanglements

    Vines and Entanglements 5.28.2020 Con/Jur/d Draped or Hung? He asks English Ivy walls I said Doesn’t prepare us We look For Hedge Bindweed Back aches I wonder Keep it open The minute I finish Turn around It’s back again Keep it simple Seeds roots flower Simpler Bound Ground Border? Too didactic twist twist twist More enthusiasm Twist Twist Twist! Better Ahh I see Draped or Hung?
  26. A. Baez

    Yaël

    We have talked about this privately and I have elaborated upon my agreement with the general accolades of all. I was just now revisiting this and thinking more deeply about it. A few things have occurred to me. I am uncertain as to the intended reference and relevance to the poem of the title (did you explain this to me?); to me, this confusion does not work to support the poem's narrative. I realize I've been tripping over the second sentence because I expect "for" to follow the same meaning as it does in the preceding line, not to mean "because." Perhaps just for a job well done--a job not done would work? (I love the irony of this line.) I'm getting a bit caught up here even since you've adopted my suggestion revision of "how" to "here." For one thing, I realize that "young man" has me debating as to whether this refers to the woman's husband/partner or her son, since the expression "young man" is so often used to address a male kid. I also keep thinking "when she is" sounds like a convoluted variant on "with her," contrived to fit the meter. "When" sounds like it could be referring to some future and/or conditional time, not the present reality that you intend. I was wondering if these three lines might flow somewhat more clearly and smoothly in some variation like the following: And now she has her own fine man, who can do anything with all those open doors, bonuses, with her ace in the plan! I won't repeat all my accolades here, but I will say that I love that last line, which has a universal, symbolic resonance. 🙂
  27. May 26th 2020 AUTHOR’S NOTE: Not too long ago I mentioned I had a “Ghost Writer” I referred to as Ar-Jay, who helped me through many difficult aspects of writing. This now...is a segment I wrote of an episode concerning my other alter-ego’s observation about Evolution. Rube has a way of materializing when I least expect, and we then have serious thought conversations. Admittedly, Rube isn’t the brightest apple to fall off of the tree, but he has a way with words that makes me stop to think...where does he come up with his observations concerning life? This segment was written in 2013. I compare these thoughts to what I have been observing during this year of 2020. Mankind is ambitiously pushing to reach out into space, to travel to far away hills, mountains and planets, just because they feel it's destined to know what is beyond the next horizon. ****************************************************************** It's titled Rube and Evolution or "Nough said ‘Bout That" Rube would say generally have his say, then add; " ‘nough said about that." Bear with me, even though Rube is a figment of my imagination. I realized that once he chooses to reflect on a particular notion, he would manage to come up with an established theory of his own. ****************************************************************** Rube’s Comments: "Somewhere during the wee hours of mankind, when those first funny lookin’ bunches walked upright on earth, they musta’ seen an’ realized there was a distant place ta’ walk to. Curious as they musta been, they did just that. In my limited means, realize sumpin hada’ be goin’ through their mind, else why...when they got to a distant rise they had seen from afar, they would find there was still a distant hill, range, lake, river or whatever, once more in view, and they would then walk over there ta’ see what that was all about. ‘Course they had ta’ eat along the way, an’ they hada’ sleep, an’ do a whole lot more as they went, so they didn’ just happen on these things over night." Rube also added, "being curious as they must have been, they sought to go to these areas of wonderment, just to look at it and ponder." ****************************************************************** Along about this time in our conversation, Rube quickly jumped ahead thousands of years, to a time when these bipeds progressed to a state of mind, and talking developed. "They could discuss things in their limited conversations. With bits of knowledge they got from others, their knowledge an' chatter got a bit heavier. The more knowledge they got to know... the more they wanted ta’ know. They was a curious bunches back then. Some got to be so curious, they developed lots faster than others, an’ soon got to know they could make the slower-minded ones believe what they wanted them ta’ believe. They also discovered it was pretty much easy ta’ control them in their thinkin’ an’ doin’, and’ whole lot more." ****************************************************************** I asked Rube, “what did all of this have to do with what is going on today?” He added, "we ain’t a whole much differnt from them people away back then. We’re still curious, an’ we still have ta’ know what’s goin' on over at the next horizon. These controllin’ groups are gettin a bit fidgety ‘bout us wantin’ to know more. They don’t cottin’ to us bein’ so curious. They got so much control, that ta’ lose it now would upset them a bushel. Don’t you know, by gettin’ curiouser an’ curiouser, we slower bunches are able ta’ send a bunch of us ta’ the moon, an’ now they is talkin’ ‘bout goin’ ta’ Mars even." “So what are you trying to say Rube,” I asked? "Well, jus’ supposin’ those way back before us that was most curious went to Mars, an’ decide they liked it there. Maybe some of those bunches stayed, an’ growed up their children there too. Then as they got more curious, they might jus’ up an’ walked to some distant hill, range, lake, river, or gone on ta’ ‘nother spot out there in the sky...an’ they went over there ta’ see what that was all about. I jus' wonder...if in time, was one of them ever ta' come back ta’ us that was left behind here on earth...what would they think 'bout us? ‘Course they would have ta’ eat along the way, an’ they hafta’ sleep, an’ do a whole lot more as they went, so they jus’ wouldn’ happen 'pon us over night. I’m wonderin’ what would they think bout us, an’ what would our bunch o' kids that growed up here, an' were left behind here, think ‘bout them? I wonder...if the controllin’ bunches was still 'round, what would they think? I onced heard someone say sumtin' 'bout aliens or somthin' like that...” I wanted to ask Rube more about his thought on this matter. He just turned and walked away, but not before he said, "‘nough said ‘bout that." Rube isn't too far from base. He thinks...as human beings, we progress, and will progress even further. I'm certain he wonders what point of the evolution chain do we exist in. Are we curious enough to go to the far off horizons, or have we been left behind to only see a return of those who have gone eons ago? I'm certain Rube doesn't feel it's blasphemy to be a free-thinker. He’s not simple enough to let others control him. He also isn't worried about not belonging to a "Red "T"-shirt" group, just because others suppose it has to be that way. He just doesn't know how to put all of his thoughts together, but some day, one of his off-spring will have the answers. Meanwhile, the Hierarchy may eventually turn upon him, or his kind, and they will ostracize, banish, and excommunicate them. They will scold, tongue-lash, and confound them, attempting to belittle, berate, and expel all free-thinkers from their midst. I have to think long and hard about what Rube said. Under some circumstances, I think like Rube, it does not hurt to make waves, but there is a time and place for everything. Then again, as Rube would put it...I too must say, " ‘nough said ‘bout that." Robert G. Jerore 2012
  28. dcmarti1

    Necessity

    Perhaps I could become your gardener if I ever get back East. ;)
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