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      Blogs   05/01/2017

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badger11

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revision two

 

I bundle my old clothes into a corner

and I stare into space

 

Over the bridge

is where the rough kids fight

with sticks and stones and knives

 

Across the road

is where the posh kids rule

with brand new bikes

 

Next door's garden

is where the noisy kids scream

above the telly noise

 

Over the school yard

is where the crying kids run

and fail to hide

 

On the mud field

is where the bigger kids play

to make them men

 

Within the class

is where the clever kids find

all the answers

 

Behind the toilets

is where the coughing kids smoke

and talk of sex

 

Beyond the fence

is where the sleepy kids skip French

to practise tongues

 

Beneath the climbing tree

is where the dead kid whispers

in endless days

 

The shadow bundles me into a corner

and I stare into space

 

 

 

revision one

 

 

 

I bundle my old clothes into a corner

and I stare into space

 

Near the red bridge

is where the rougher kids fight

with stones and knives

 

Across the road

is where the posher kids rule

with brand new bikes

 

Next door's garden

is where the louder kids scream

above telly noise

 

Over the yard

is where the crying kids run

and fail to hide

 

On the mud field

is where the bigger kids play

to make them men

 

Within the class

is where the clever kids find

all the answers

 

Behind toilets

is where the coughing kids smoke

and talk of sex

 

Beyond the fence

is where the sleepy kids skip

double physics

 

Beneath the tree

is where the dead kid whispers

in endless days

 

The shadow bundles me into a corner

and I stare into space

 

 

 

 

 

========================================================================

 

original

 

 

I bundle my clothes into a corner

and stare into space

 

Over the bridge

is where the rough kids fight

with sticks and stones and knives

 

Across the road

is where the posh kids rule

because of their dad

 

Next door's garden

is where the noisy kids scream

above the telly noise

 

Over the school yard

is where the crying kids run

and fail to hide

 

On the rugby field

is where the bigger kids play

to make them men

 

Within the classroom

is where the clever kids find answers

in the back of the book

 

Behind the boys toilets

is where the coughing kids smoke

and talk of sex

 

Beyond the spiky fence

is where the sleepy kids skip French

to practise tongues

 

Beneath the climbing tree

is where the dead kid whispers

in endless days

 

The shadow bundles me into a corner

and I stare into space

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Who told you the original lacked structure? On my first read of this revised version, I concluded that I like most parts of the original more. The first two lines was one of those parts. I didn't see why it was necessary to add "I" to L2 until I got to the last couplet. Then it became clear that it makes sense for first to match last. Upon subsequent readings, I began to appreciate some of the changes in the revised version. I'll take it verse by verse.

 

I don't see that it benefits the poem to specify that the bridge is red. I mean, it's okay, it's nice, but it doesn't add anything relevant. Maybe if it were to tie in to something later, but it doesn't. And I'm not sure why you changed "over" to "near." I liked "over" because it added that "other side of the tracks" feel to where the rough kids fight. Also (and this goes for later verses, too) I'm not sure why you changed adjectives like "rough" to "rougher." I liked "with sticks and stones and knives" and saw value in the incorporation of the "sticks and stones" cliche. The speaker doesn't run with that crowd; words may hurt him, but he is away from the sticks and stones.

 

I prefer "posh" to "posher," but I love "with brand new bikes." The reader can infer the part about the parents.

 

I prefer "noisy." It gives more of an ongoing feel. Not sure why you omitted the article in front of "telly."

 

"School yard" was more clear, but "over the yard" reads better. It's a tough call, but either way is okay.

 

I like that you replaced "rugby" with "mud." That way it's not limited and can also be "American" football or soccer. "Bigger" is good in this verse, but I think "big" would work, too.

 

"Within the classroom," "within the class," and "in the classroom" are all okay. I like the change to find/all the answers.

 

"Coughing" is a good change. Omission of "boys'" is good. Not sure about the omission of the article. I think it's needed. It's not all toilets everywhere, it's the toilets in this world of classrooms, schoolyards, and sports fields.

 

I'm glad you got rid of "spiky." This revised verse with "double physics" is flawless, but I also liked the unusual implications of "French" and "practise tongues."

 

I'm not sure how I feel about the omission of "climbing." It reads better without it, but "climbing tree" fit better with the whole kids motif. Then again, maybe it's better without. Why would the dead kid be buried under the climbing tree? Perhaps a tree in the graveyard ... but that can be a climbing tree, too! :tongue:

 

The last couplet could even be reworded as such:

 

The shadows bundle me into a corner

and I stare into space.

 

That's all I have. Rush, anyone?

 

Tony

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Thank you for your detailed comments Tony, which make artistic and rational sense. Hence I have edited on the basis of your pointers!

 

The structure/framework of a poem - whether constructed/framed with metre, syllables, repetitions, a soundscape of assonance/alliteration etc - I think provides a challenge that sometimes leads to compromises and other times stimulates invention.

 

The invitation to be more structured at least led me to 'mud' :rolleyes:

 

as always many thanks

 

badge

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no matter what badger this poem is a sure winner. i would have the same take as tony all but the mud field. i like rugby better. some might not correlate mud field with becoming men. i played tackle football on the mud field. it was called kill the man with the ball. i don't think you could say that or incorporate this into the poem. regardless this was well worth the read time and effort.

 

victor

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Thank you Victor. I take your point that a particular sport would be more relevant to some, but then again I suppose it would exclude others.

 

badge

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