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    • tonyv

      Blogs   05/01/2017

      Blogs are now accessible to Guests. Guests may read and reply to blog entries. We'll see how this works out. If Guest participation becomes troublesome, I'll disable Guest access. Members are encouraged to make use of the PMO Members' Promotional Blog to promote their published works. Simply add your latest entry to the blog. Include relevant information (your name or screen name, poem title, periodical name, hyperlink to the site where published, etc). If you have a lot of them and feel you need your own blog, let me know, and I will try to accommodate you. Members are encouraged to continue also posting their promotional topics in the Promotions forum on the board itself which is better suited for archiving promotions.
badger11

Frozen Shoulder

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Revision

 

 

Sipping a cup of home brew to tame

the tight tiredness of a sleepless night.

The fern clad hills curve and glide with light;

my frozen shoulder aches with pain.

.

Beetles scuttle across wrinkled floors,

anthracite memories tread once more.

The dust shimmers in the rusted lung,

family miners - dad, grandad, son.

 

Their maggot white eyes dig the black earth,

all tunnels are wormed with Rhondda song.

They ice my shoulder with ghosted breath,

their voices beckon to where I must belong.

 

 

 

original

 

 

A cup of peppermint tea to unclothe

the tight tiredness of a sleepless night.

The fern clad hills are gilded with light,

my shoulder aches, the bones aflame.

 

Beetles scuttle across the wrinkled floor,

memories in the attic moan once more.

The dust shimmers in the rusted lung,

miners - father, grandad, and son.

 

Their maggot white eyes tunnel the mind,

all earth is wormed with Rhondda song.

They ice my shoulder with ghosted breath,

their voices beckon to where I must belong.

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You tightened up the rhymes, Badge. I especially like the earth/breath near rhyme in the third stanza.

 

Line three is an improvement, too. Nice work replacing "gilded with light" with novelty and action: "glide with light." You kept the appealing "gl" sound, too.

 

Though I liked "wrinkled floor" (it was unusual), I always liked the word "anthracite" and love to see it in a poem. And lines five and six are tighter now, too, without the poem moving off in an unrelated direction to the attic.

 

Lines nine and ten are significantly improved also. "Black earth" eliminates the abstract distraction of "tunnel the mind" and replaces it with "down to earth" concreteness. It also keeps things close to the prevailing coal mining thread.

 

Tony

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