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badger11

Until daybreak

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badger11

revision

 

 

she didn't see the wasp

caress cold skin

beyond the leafy hem

of her nightdress

 

she didn't hear its flight

weaving a nest

of shadows hovering

above her breast

 

she didn't feel its sting

that nectar kiss

of loss cradled within

the candlelight

 

 

 

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original

 

she didn't see the wasp

resting on skin

beyond the leafy hem

of her nightdress

 

she didn't hear its flight

weaving a nest

of shadows hovering

above her breast

 

she didn't feel the sting

that cold caress

of loss cradled within

the candlelight

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tonyv

I like it. Nice stanzas with lines in alternating trimeter and dimeter.

 

I wonder if "see" should be "sense" (or another word other than "feel") in L1? "See" in the first verse throws it a little. Besides, it's used in verse two. "Feel" is used in verse three.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks Tony. See/feel/hear aren't very interesting. I'll have a ponder.

 

cheers

 

badge

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