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badger11

Parc Bryn Bach (revised)

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badger11

revised


Sleep, and sleep long, and do not wait for me,
unbolt the door to dream and take a breath
beyond our aching bones that weighted this day.

Sleep, and sleep long, and do not wake for me,
tangle in sheets beneath the willow leaves
beyond these bracken thorns that bled this day.

Sleep, and sleep long, and do not lie with me
within the shallow pool, pillow those stars
beyond that broken moon that dreamt my day.




original

Sleep, and sleep long, and do not wait for me,
unbolt the door to dream and take a breath
beyond the wanton bones that ground our day.

Sleep, and sleep long, and do not wake for me,
tangle in sheets beneath the willow leaves
beyond the bracken thorns that bled your day.

Sleep, and sleep long, and do not lie with me
within the shallow pool, pillow those stars
beyond the broken moon that dreamt my day.

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dcmarti1

Do not change one word nor line of this poem. It is perfection: me and day repeated, all consistent past tense verbs, clear imagery! Change nothing.

 

Oh, did I also say that I like it? :)

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badger11

Thank you dcm, but...change is inevitable...:)

 

 

badge

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

very lyrical musical quality to this.i love this and enjoyed reading this badger. keep this version because like tinker's handle i know you are going to tinker with this eventually.

 

victor


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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badger11

Many thanks victor. I will keep both versions. all the best badge

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Tinker

Hey Badge, I just have to get down here to the Overflow forum more often. This is where you hide out and share gems like this. I have to admit I was with Marti on the don't change a word until I read your revision. You made a really good poem even better.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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