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badger11

9.30 a.m.

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badger11

revision

 

Over a mug of black coffee
she mulls the distance
between him
and everyone else.

The curve of beak, the claw
carving feathered air,
the span of gilded flight
that hooks her eye.

The breach of bone,
unhooded hunger
which dreams of flesh
and nothing else.

The screech bleeding
into her, arches
her slender swan neck,
unfolding wings,

hands

f
i
n
g
e
r
s.

 

 

 

===============================================================================

 

original

 

Over a mug of black coffee
she mulls the distance
between him
and everyone else.

The curve of beak, the claw
that carves the air,
the span of light gilded flight
that hooks her eye.

The breaching of bone
scaffold unhooded
hunger that dreams of flesh
and nothing else.

The screech that bleeds
into her, arches
her slender swan neck,
unfolds wings,

unfolds hands
and fingers that add
sugar and milk
to mask her day.

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dcmarti1

Firstly, I like the visual symmetry. Next, the compact wording and the suggested imagery. The first stanza (to me!) is almost ambiguous: is this distance inclusive of her as well?

 

"Hooks her eye" is pretty intense. "To mask her day" adds melancholy.

 

I liked this, badge. But 9:30? Surely the leisure class. :)

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badger11

Thanks Marti. I've tried for a more 'optimistic' finale :0)

 

The title is rubbish, but my mind is empty on that.

 

all the best

 

badge

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tonyv

To consider:

revision

Over a mug of black coffee
she mulls the distance
between him
and everyone else:

the curve of beak, the claw
carving feathered air,
the span of gilded flight
that hooks her eye,

the breach of bone,
and the unhooded hunger
which dreams of flesh
and nothing else.

The screech bleeding
into her, arches
her slender swan neck,
unfolding wings,

hands

f
i
n
g
e
r
s.


I think the title is fine. It served its part, drew me in.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks Tony. I feel something is false in this attempt so I've ditched it.

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