Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
  • Announcements

    • tonyv

      Registration -- to join PMO ***UPDATED INSTRUCTIONS***   03/14/2017

      Automatic registration has been disabled. If you would like to join the Poetry Magnum Opus online community, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of this page and follow these instructions: 1. Check your email (including your spam folder) in a timely fashion for a reply. 2. After you receive a reply, use the "Sign Up" link at the top right corner of the page to create your account. Do this fast. I've lost my patience with people who use the "Contact Us" link to express interest in joining and then don't bother to check their email for a reply and don't bother to join after registration has been enabled. The queue fills up fast with spammers, and I have to spend my time sifting through the rubbish to delete them. The window of opportunity for joining will be short. I will not have my time wasted. If you don't check your email and you don't bother registering promptly, you will find that registration has been disabled and your future requests to join may go ignored. /s/ Tony ___________________ [Registration will only be enabled for a short while from the time your message is received, so please check your email for a reply and register within 12 hours of using the "Contact Us" link. (Be sure to check your spam folder if you don't see a reply to your message.)]
    • tonyv

      IMPORTANT: re Logging In to PMO ***Attention Members***   03/15/2017

      For security purposes, please use your email address when logging in to the site. This will prevent your account from being locked when malicious users try to log in to your account using your publicly visible display name. If you are unable to log in, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of the page.
    • tonyv

      Blogs   05/01/2017

      Blogs are now accessible to Guests. Guests may read and reply to blog entries. We'll see how this works out. If Guest participation becomes troublesome, I'll disable Guest access. Members are encouraged to make use of the PMO Members' Promotional Blog to promote their published works. Simply add your latest entry to the blog. Include relevant information (your name or screen name, poem title, periodical name, hyperlink to the site where published, etc). If you have a lot of them and feel you need your own blog, let me know, and I will try to accommodate you. Members are encouraged to continue also posting their promotional topics in the Promotions forum on the board itself which is better suited for archiving promotions.
badger11

Throw Back

Recommended Posts

I wonder which is the better:

 

At the end of the hook a gaudy thing
bobbing in pantomime to trawl her eye
and clasp her lip. She swallows the act
as if a Jacobean player: her love

of theatre never dies. She mimes in roles
of the silent star who fades to grey,
a life escaping lines. She's mouthing the end
of the script and so longing to swim again.

 

 

or

 

 

At the end of the hook a gaudy thing
bobbing in pantomime trawls her eye
and clasps her lip. She swallows the act
as if a tragic player: her love

of theatre never dies. She mimes in roles
of the silent star fading to grey,
a life escaping lines. She's mouthing the end
of the script and so longing to swim again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I also read your original version(s) in the overflow showcase, and several things caught my attention.


1. "Jacobean" vs. "tragic"

Being less schooled in the classics, I had to look up Jacobean. Even after reading a bit about that period in English literature I was still unsure about the specific meaning in this poem. "Tragic" narrows it down and makes it more accessible to a reader like me, though someone more erudite would probably totally get Jacobean.

2. "Silver Screen" vs. "silent"

I noticed you dropped "silver screen star" from the original(s) in favor of "silent" star. Were you trying to eliminate a cliche or did you mean a star specifically from the silent picture era? I don't think there's anything wrong with "silver screen star"; it's specific, and the meaning is very clear if what you mean is a movie star. If you want the reader to draw his own conclusion, maybe to have the poem apply in a wider sense, then "silent" works, too, but it leads this reader to wonder more about the precise era from when the star was at the top of her game (again silent picture) which could amount to be more of a distraction than you may have intended. Also, without "silver screen" I tend to make the leap to a literal star even though it's preceded by the mention of her love of theater.


The fishing metaphor is fresh in this poem. The title, the poem, and the metaphor makes me remember an episode of the "Twilight Zone" called "The Sixteen Millimeter Shrine" with Ida Lupino. I'm sure it's been done before in other films and short stories, but this particular theme in a poem might be a first.

Tony

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Tony for those insightful remarks. Helps a lot.

 

 

1. "Jacobean" vs. "tragic"

Being less schooled in the classics, I had to look up Jacobean. Even after reading a bit about that period in English literature I was still unsure about the specific meaning in this poem. "Tragic" narrows it down and makes it more accessible to a reader like me, though someone more erudite would probably totally get Jacobean.

 

I used Jacobean for its relation to tragedy, but also because of its violent/bloody connotations. It has been commented that in terms of musicality it is jarring and disturbs the rhythm so tragic was an option. Loathe to lose an interesting word, but sound is always the clincher for me!

 

 

I noticed you dropped "silver screen star" from the original(s) in favor of "silent" star. Were you trying to eliminate a cliche or did you mean a star specifically from the silent picture era? I don't think there's anything wrong with "silver screen star"; it's specific, and the meaning is very clear if what you mean is a movie star. If you want the reader to draw his own conclusion, maybe to have the poem apply in a wider sense, then "silent" works, too, but it leads this reader to wonder more about the precise era from when the star was at the top of her game (again silent picture) which could amount to be more of a distraction than you may have intended. Also, without "silver screen" I tend to make the leap to a literal star even though it's preceded by the mention of her love of theater.

 

Again this was an accent issue rather than one of meaning, The 4/5 variations in the poem are still unresolved in terms of consistency. I don't write in that way, but again the word 'jarring' was used, which was of more concern since I want the reader to have an enjoyment of the sound. silent was more of a signifier since the fish mouths rather than vocalises.

 

 

The fishing metaphor is fresh in this poem. The title, the poem, and the metaphor makes me remember an episode of the "Twilight Zone" called "The Sixteen Millimeter Shrine" with Ida Lupino. I'm sure it's been done before in other films and short stories, but this particular theme in a poem might be a first.

 

:laugh: Cultural contexts!

 

hope all is well

 

Phil

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

... It has been commented that in terms of musicality it is jarring and disturbs the rhythm so tragic was an option. Loathe to lose an interesting word, but sound is always the clincher for me!

 

...I don't write in that way, but again the word 'jarring' was used, which was of more concern since I want the reader to have an enjoyment of the sound. silent was more of a signifier since the fish mouths rather than vocalises.

 

I've seen it said that jarring isn't necessarily bad. Smooth, fluid language can be lovely, but jarring has its places and can be okay, too.

 

Tony

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.