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dcmarti1

Last sunday of advent

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dcmarti1

frost on the shingles

as the lazy sun sloughs off

night's velvet mantle

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Tinker

Hi Marty, This is a beautiful image. I'm guessing from a previous comment you made that you are distracted by current events and haven't been writing a lot of poetry lately and it looks like you did what I do when I am trying to keep connected to my writing, you wrote a haiku.

 

And I want to rewrite your haiku. I hope it's ok to play here. But, my study of haiku repeatedly shows

 

Image

Extension of that image

Parallel image that reveals the human condition

 

Given these steps your poem is upside down.

 

Night's velvet mantle

Sloughed off by the lazy sun

Frost clings to shingles

 

Don't be mad at me Marty, you know I love your poetry, this was just too much for me to resist.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11

Like it Marti. Fluid writing.

 

all the best

 

Phil

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dcmarti1

Of course you can mess around with my haiku. :)

 

Current events and my new part-time job (but that is a good thing). I'll never recover to DC finances, but at least I'm OUT of the mil industrial complex. Hired as a docent at a museum.

 

Glad you're still here.

 

Hi Marty, This is a beautiful image. I'm guessing from a previous comment you made that you are distracted by current events and haven't been writing a lot of poetry lately and it looks like you did what I do when I am trying to keep connected to my writing, you wrote a haiku.

And I want to rewrite your haiku. I hope it's ok to play here. But, my study of haiku repeatedly shows

Image
Extension of that image
Parallel image that reveals the human condition

Given these steps your poem is upside down.

Night's velvet mantle
Sloughed off by the lazy sun
Frost clings to shingles

Don't be mad at me Marty, you know I love your poetry, this was just too much for me to resist.

~~Tink

 

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dcmarti1

Thank you. And congrats on your recent publications.

 

Like it Marti. Fluid writing.

 

all the best

 

Phil

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David W. Parsley

Congrats on the docent position, Marti. I'd like to hear how you got it sometime! (Something after retirement in a couple years...)

 

On the haiku, I like Tink's commentary about how the best ones develop image and theme. I would also posit that the form is resistant to adjective and personification, so "lazy sun" rings a little false for this reader. So does "night's velvet mantle," as a personification that outsizes the poem.

 

But I really like the way this poem feels, or is trying to feel. The frosted shingle image is perfect, a true haiku phrase.

 

Thanks!

- Dave

 

P.S. I'll add my congratulations for Badger, too! He's leading the publication way for all of us! Nice going!

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