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badger11

And this is where I am standing

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badger11

revision8

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

bluebell wood
painted

on a narrow
barge

oak's hefty
frame

the hoar frost
on bark

beaded light
melting

my younger self
waving

 

 

 

 

 

 

revision7

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

bluebell wood
painted

on a narrow
barge

mosaic light
melting

the frost of
memories

 

revision6

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

bluebell wood
painted

on a narrow
barge

dad's hefty
frame

ghosted hands
steering

 

 

revision5

 

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

wild flowers
painted

on a narrow
boat

the parting

mist

eddies coffee
memories

 

revision4

 

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

wild flowers
painted

on a narrow
boat

the morning
solitude

eddies coffee
memories

 

 

 

revision3

 

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

wild flowers
painted

on a holiday

barge

 

the morning

solitude

shares coffee
memories

 

revision2

 

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

a bluebell wood
painted

on a narrow
barge

stirs coffee
memories

 

revision

 

hump-backed
bridge

over the muddy
canal

someone painting

bluebells

on a narrow
barge

eddies coffee
memories

 

original

 

hump-backed
bridge

 

over a muddy
canal

a flowery
barge

eddies coffee
memories

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Tinker

Hi Badge, It has been awhile. This is an intriguing piece. I think I like Revision 2 best... I don't understand "eddies" coffee and I rather like the "a bluebell wood / painted" although it creates a different image than "someone painting / bluebells" which I can see clearer. (and barge is a clearer image than boat.}

 

Love that you keep tinkering until you get it right for you... This is very nice whichever version one reads.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11

Thank you Tink. Always pleased to hear from you. Interesting the version you prefer. I agree the ending does not translate the personal experience. The canal water is the colour of coffee.

 

best

 

badge

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David W. Parsley

Phil, version 4 works best for me, except for stanza 4 - it tells rather than shows the solitude. I like the idea of eddying coffee aroma and/or steam, but (for me) the language disturbs the simple brevity of this neo-imagist work. Can a simpler, more suggestive approach be taken, alluding to something visual like a few strands of lingering mist, or... ?

 

I really like the possibilities of this poem!

 

- Dave

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David W. Parsley

Oops, I meant stanza 5, not 4. 4 is great!

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badger11

Phil, version 4 works best for me, except for stanza 4 - it tells rather than shows the solitude. I like the idea of eddying coffee aroma and/or steam, but (for me) the language disturbs the simple brevity of this neo-imagist work. Can a simpler, more suggestive approach be taken, alluding to something visual like a few strands of lingering mist, or... ?

 

I really like the possibilities of this poem!

 

- Dave

 

Thanks David. Valid points. I'll ponder further.

 

best

 

Phil

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