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badger11

And this is where I am running

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badger11

revision3

- past the corral of towers
and ghosted schools, that weight
of flightless hours; beyond
chapels of faded daffodils;
around the old town harbour
of anchored names, rippling
the ink, pearling adventure -
their silhouettes beckon
the breeze, a sleepy sigh
over pebbled pages.

 

 

revision2

before the clocking-in
measures another day:
past the corral of towers
and ghosted schools, that weight
of flightless hours; beyond
chapels of faded flowers;
around the old town harbour
of anchored names, rippling
the ink, pearling adventure.
The silhouette of sails
treasure a sleepy sigh
over the pebbled pages
from where I am standing.

 

 

 

revision

before the clocking-in
measures another day;
past the corral of towers
and ghosted schools, that weight
of flightless hours; beyond
chapels of faded flowers;
around the old town harbour
of anchored names, rippling
the ink, pearling adventure;
their silhouettes beckon
the breeze, a sleepy sigh
over the pebbled pages.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

original

before the yawn begins
to flatten another day;
past the grumble of towers
and ghosted schools, that weight
of flightless hours; beyond
chapels of faded flowers;
her name in harbour, rippling
the ink, pearling adventure;
her silhouette seduces
the breeze, a sleepy sigh
over the pebbled pages.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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tonyv

I picture a runner. It is morning, a holiday for most. Schools are closed, no people around. It's "before the clocking in." He will go to work.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11
8 hours ago, tonyv said:

I picture a runner. It is morning, a holiday for most. Schools are closed, no people around. It's "before the clocking in." He will go to work.

Tony

Yes, that is the picture.

best

Phil

 

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Tinker

Hi Badger,  the revision gives a more positive image of the runner but I honestly like both versions, like two different poems. 

Love the image     "yawn begins to flatten another day"       very different from     "clocking in measures another day"    It would almost depend on whether you are resigned to the day or getting up for the day....  Two very different messages.     This was interesting to ponder  even the "seduces" vs "beckons"     seems more reluctant vs more willing    Could these versions have been written on 2 different days?

I like both poems.....   ~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Benjamin
On ‎13‎/‎04‎/‎2017 at 11:19 AM, badger11 said:

past the corral of towers
and ghosted schools, that weight
of flightless hours; beyond
chapels of faded flowers;

I also liked both poems though the revision for me is excellent. I particularly liked the enjambment which carries the rhythm expertly through the above lines and into some exceptional imagery. Quality over quantity every time. Geoff :-)

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badger11

Thanks Geoff and Tink. I feel that some of the choices made in revising came from reading Tony's poems.

all the best

badge

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