Tinker Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 RevisionAwe The Pacific melts into the west, a wash of greens and blues blurring the horizon until the sun slides down all orange and red and gold streaking the sky, reflecting off of the sea. It is then I can see Heaven's gates open.Judi Van GorderAwe The Pacific melts into the west, a wash of greens and blues blurring the horizon until the sun slides down all orange and red and gold streaking the sky, reflecting off of the sea. It is then you can almost see Heaven's gates. ~~ Judi Van Gorder Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted July 23, 2017 Share Posted July 23, 2017 Judi, it sounds like a lovely place to call home. I know it's like that also for my sister in SoCal. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 29, 2017 Share Posted July 29, 2017 Perhaps you could go for the definite option... Quote Quote It is then I can see Heaven's gate open Just a thought...your poem certainly conjures the picture! badge Quote Quote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted July 29, 2017 Author Share Posted July 29, 2017 Thank you Badge, not just for the idea but for showing me how to take the poem the next step. It never occurred to me. This was a simple exercise in writing a burst of color. The poem is not my finest but it accomplished the assignment. And I shared one of my favorite things about living on the coast, experiencing the sunset. Now with a rewrite I think it has more depth. ~~Tink PS I'm not usually a fan of centering on the page but for this poem, I think it fits. Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted July 30, 2017 Share Posted July 30, 2017 Quote PS I'm not usually a fan of centering on the page but for this poem, I think it fits. Indeed it does! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted July 30, 2017 Author Share Posted July 30, 2017 Sorry Tony, I wasn't ignoring your comment. I really appreciate when you acknowledge that you read my work and saw something to connect to. Here in the north we have spectacular sunsets but they are often obscured by the fog. In So Ca it seem they are every night but not quite as brilliant as here in the north. Maybe because when there I am at my son's who lives in the high dessert, it little further inland. He can see the sunset but he can't see the ocean. ~~Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz Mastin Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 On 7/22/2017 at 11:21 PM, Tinker said: RevisionAwe The Pacific melts into the west, a wash of greens and blues blurring the horizon until the sun slides down all orange and red and gold streaking the sky, reflecting off of the sea. It is then I can see Heaven's gates open.Judi Van GorderAwe The Pacific melts into the west, a wash of greens and blues blurring the horizon until the sun slides down all orange and red and gold streaking the sky, reflecting off of the sea. It is then you can almost see Heaven's gates. ~~ Judi Van Gorder I think l prefer the first writing, with the longer lines, as it fits with the wideness of the setting: a wide sea, a spreading "wash of blues and greens", "orange, red and gold" streaking horizontally a naturally wide sky. A beautiful, colorful descriptive poem with an epiphanic ending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 13 minutes ago, Liz Mastin said: I think l prefer the first writing, with the longer lines, as it fits with the wideness of the setting: a wide sea, a spreading "wash of blues and greens", "orange, red and gold" streaking horizontally a naturally wide sky. Good point Liz, Thanks. ~~Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted November 14, 2019 Share Posted November 14, 2019 So, after your kind comments on my use of color, I must say, I think this is an excellent use! Personally, I prefer the rewrite which saturates with color in brief lovely lines. And the conclusion inn the definitive works for me far better. Ty! Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted November 14, 2019 Author Share Posted November 14, 2019 1 hour ago, dr_con said: Personally, I prefer the rewrite which saturates with color in brief lovely lines. And the conclusion inn the definitive works for me far better. Ty! Thank you Juris, I too like the end of the revised version best. I wish I could take the whole credit for it but I had a little help from Badge on that. Sometimes it takes a village. ~~Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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