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revision5

Ambushed by this sky.
A watercolour brush
Deft with pink promises.
Last night's thunder
Bothered no one.
An autumn graffiti.
The houses buttoned
Until summer guests.

I linger on a border
Where waves fret.
Gulls tow rusted voices.
My labrador tugs
A chain of loneliness.
The pull to hours
Of strolls with you.
We ghost along a wall.

 

 

revision4

Ambushed by this sky.
A watercolour brush
Deft with pink promises.
Last night's thunder
Bothered no one.
An autumn graffiti.
The houses buttoned
Until summer guests.

I linger on a border
Where waves fret.
Gulls are rusted voices.
My labrador tugs
A chain of loneliness.
The pull to hours
Of strolls with you.
We ghost along a wall.

 

 

revision3

Ambushed by this sky.
A watercolour brush
Deft with pink promises.
Last night's thunder
Bothered no one.
Leaves littered graves,
An autumn graffiti.
The houses buttoned
Until summer guests.

I linger on a border
Where waves fret,
Memories eye defences.
Gulls are rusted voices.
My labrador tugs
A chain of loneliness.
The pull to hours
Of strolls with you.
We ghost along a wall.

 

 

revision2

Ambushed by this sky.
A watercolour brush
Deft with pink promises.
Last night's thunder
Bothered no one.
Leaf graffiti on graves.
The houses buttoned
Until summer guests.

I linger on a border
Where waves fret.
Memories eye defences.
My labrador tugs
A chain of loneliness.
The pull to hours
Of strolls with you.
We ghost along a wall.

 

 

 

revision

Ambushed by this sky.
A watercolour brush
Deft with pink promises.
The graveyard sleeps.
Night's sea symphony
Bothered no one.
The houses buttoned
Until summer guests.

I linger on a border
Where waves fret.
Things eye defences.
My labrador tugs
A chain of loneliness.
The pull to hours
Of strolls with you.
We ghost along a wall.

 

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original

Across this sky
A watercolour brush
Deft with pink promises.
The graveyard sleeps.
Night's sea symphony
Bothered no one.
The houses buttoned
Until summer guests.

I linger on a border
Where waves fret
Eyeing sea defences.
My labrador tugs
A chain of loneliness
Back to hours
Of strolls with you.
We ghost along a wall.

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I think I'm aware of the inspiring prompt, and I like where you've taken this. I like it all, but especially "summer guests" and the mention of "border," how it comes full circle to the title which, by the way, is perfect.

Tony

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Thanks Tony. I believe there is a conversation of poems and I find pleasure in hearing that. Thanks you for starting this conversation!

all the best

Phil

 

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Hi Badge,  I wonder if you could keep

"Last night's thunder
Bothered no one"

And also Keep

"The graveyard sleeps."

To me they are very different images and although I felt a connection to "last night's thunder"   I really like the graveyard sleeping image.

Oh and I love the Lab, this was I felt very comfortable in. Despite the graveyard.

~~Tink

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Phil, I like the way this poem continues to contract to the essentials for your theme.  With apologies to Judi, I concur with elimination of the graveyard as adding nothing to the tone that is not already there.  "Last night's thunder / bothered no one."  Exquisite nod to a universe's indifference to events momentous to the narrator.  The absence of the beloved ghosts only his existence and that of his dog who is wonderfully attuned to his best friend's mood.

You might try, "fretted by waves", "defined by fretting waves", or other experiments.  Something isn't quite right in the line yet.

How about, "Gulls tow rusted voices."?

I feel the struggle to adequately conclude the poem.  The images are imaginative, but not quite fully realized to my ear.  

On ‎9‎/‎8‎/‎2017 at 1:04 PM, badger11 said:

My labrador tugs
A chain of loneliness

I tried a number of ways to reword this, but came up with nothing better.  It feels a little abstract for this concrete piece.

On ‎9‎/‎8‎/‎2017 at 1:04 PM, badger11 said:

We ghost along a wall.

I really want this line to work because I like the image so much.  One problem with the line for me, is the use of "a" here - I think it should be specific (just substitute "the"?).  I don't think it would disturb the poem if this stanza picked up an extra line if you need it.

Nice experience!

 - Dave

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Thank you for that detailed response David. Very much appreciated. I feel I went with a sense of drift in the concluding line, but I take your point. May have to revisit that thread of a border/chain/wall. Very much like your suggestion of tow - threads nicely with tugs. Will ponder more.

best

Phil

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