Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
  • Announcements

    • tonyv

      Registration -- to join PMO ***UPDATED INSTRUCTIONS***   03/14/2017

      Automatic registration has been disabled. If you would like to join the Poetry Magnum Opus online community, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of this page and follow these instructions: 1. Check your email (including your spam folder) in a timely fashion for a reply. 2. After you receive a reply, use the "Sign Up" link at the top right corner of the page to create your account. Do this fast. I've lost my patience with people who use the "Contact Us" link to express interest in joining and then don't bother to check their email for a reply and don't bother to join after registration has been enabled. The queue fills up fast with spammers, and I have to spend my time sifting through the rubbish to delete them. The window of opportunity for joining will be short. I will not have my time wasted. If you don't check your email and you don't bother registering promptly, you will find that registration has been disabled and your future requests to join may go ignored. /s/ Tony ___________________ [Registration will only be enabled for a short while from the time your message is received, so please check your email for a reply and register within 12 hours of using the "Contact Us" link. (Be sure to check your spam folder if you don't see a reply to your message.)]
    • tonyv

      IMPORTANT: re Logging In to PMO ***Attention Members***   03/15/2017

      For security purposes, please use your email address when logging in to the site. This will prevent your account from being locked when malicious users try to log in to your account using your publicly visible display name. If you are unable to log in, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of the page.
    • tonyv

      Blogs   05/01/2017

      Blogs are now accessible to Guests. Guests may read and reply to blog entries. We'll see how this works out. If Guest participation becomes troublesome, I'll disable Guest access. Members are encouraged to make use of the PMO Members' Promotional Blog to promote their published works. Simply add your latest entry to the blog. Include relevant information (your name or screen name, poem title, periodical name, hyperlink to the site where published, etc). If you have a lot of them and feel you need your own blog, let me know, and I will try to accommodate you. Members are encouraged to continue also posting their promotional topics in the Promotions forum on the board itself which is better suited for archiving promotions.

Recommended Posts

revision2

Those gleaming pools of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled mind.
Perhaps that lace of runes across her back
reveals a map, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross buried in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Those scrolls within her mind - I'd burn
but I'm married. I dig, for love, to find.

 

revised

Those puddled eyes of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled soul.
Perhaps that map of runes across her back
opens a book, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross buried in a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Those scrolls within her mind - I'd crackle black
but I'm married. I dig. Always, I find.

 

original

Those puddled eyes of mud, like a bracelet
around the mound, hook a muddled mind.
Perhaps the lace of runes across her back
opens a book, kneels her to dig. She found

her Celtic Cross last year, a car boot sale;
studied the mother tongue; became Welsh.
Within her mind those scrolls I'd crackle black
but I'm married. I dig. Always, I find.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

For me, the change in title added much clarity. While I knew what a brooch was, I had to look up torc. A substantial percentage of the former are merely ornamental with no ethnic/cultural significance. The latter is much more rare and in most cases probably specific to certain cultures. The distinction helped this reader draw more from the poem and recognize better the "type" of woman/person the speaker is describing.

The speaker exercises restraint. Reasonably, he cites being married as the impediment, but if he weren't I wonder how great her appeal would be and for how long. I could put myself into the poem as the speaker and elaborate, but ...

Tony :rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like the first version "lace across her back'   and mind is more concrete than soul     Either version is super intriguing.  I just wanted more. 

My grandmother had a torc.  I remember it in a box of junk jewelry that she let me play with when I was a kid.  Her mother was born on a ship coming here from Wales.  My guess the bracelet was originally my great grand grandmother's. 

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks Tink. It was suggested to me that the original opening was a tongue twister - an alliterative overload - the edit was a weak fish play - the use of 'map' was for the soundscape and content. I don't use/like the word soul in a poem, even though I am using it in the vernacular sense of 'person', but don't have an alternative at present.

What part of Wales did your family come from?

best

badge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Until you asked, I had never thought to find out where in Wales they came from. They were Welsh Mormons who migrated to the USA and Utah because of religious persecution. Hundreds migrated I believe, my family came by ship in 1871.

So you sent me on an internet search my great great grandmother Cecelia Griffiths is from Swansea, Glamorganshire, Wales and her first born son Reese, also from Swansea. For some reason it lists my great great grandfather David Griffiths from Cardiff, Glamorganshire, Wales. My great-grandmother, Catherine Griffiths was the 2nd child of 9 total. Her older brother, Reese, was born in Wales, she was born on the way over here on the ship and the rest born in Helper Utah. She married William Grimes, also I believe, part of the Mormon migration from Wales but I couldn't find his name on the manifests or any Grimes for that matter. Thanks for asking Badge. Now I know more about my family.

I actually remember my great grandparents, I particularly loved my great grandfather, we had a special connection. I was 6 when we were having a holiday dinner and grandpa Grimes was napping and didn't come down when it was getting close to meal time so I was sent up to wake him. I couldn't. When I came down and said he wouldn't wake up I was shoved in a corner with my little brother and told to keep him there with me. I remember the women crying and bustling about, then my dad took us home while Mama stayed with her family. That was 70 years ago but it is a vivid memory.

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.