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revision2

A Tufted Duck, eyes like buttons
of gold, jumps and dives. The lake
shivers. I'm wearing gloves, the ones
you knitted in no time. We're tired.

My short-cut was a thinning path,
giddy inclines, hands gripping tussocks,
that slip on shale, my jumper snagging
on bracken. Your laughter was coffee.

The duck surfaces, glistening -
it preens, dives again. Those washing-lines
beneath your eyes reveal a life
pegged with this joy of short-cuts.

 

=================================================================================

 

 

revision

A Tufted Duck, eyes like buttons
of gold, jumps and dives. The lake
shivers. I'm wearing gloves, the ones
you knitted in no time. We're tired.

My short-cut was a thinning path,
giddy inclines, hands gripping tussocks,
that slip on shale, my jumper snagging
on bracken. Your laughter was coffee.

The duck surfaces, feathers glisten,
it preens, then dives. Those washing-lines
beneath your eyes reveal a life
pegged with this tangle of short-cuts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

original

A tufted duck, eyes like buttons
of gold, jumps and dives. The lake
is winter cold. I'm wearing gloves,
the ones you knitted , we're tired.

My short-cut was a thinning path,
giddy inclines, hands gripping tussocks,
that slip on shale, my jumper snagging
on bracken. Your laughter was coffee.

The duck surfaces, shivers ripples
across the water. Washing-lines
beneath your eyes reveal a life
pegged with tangles of short-cuts.

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Neither the speaker nor nature has a compass, but each seems to find the way. The travels of the waterfowl and paths of the companions are nicely juxtaposed, and the overall sense is positive, encouraging to the reader, even optimistic. I feel better after reading this; that's coming from someone who, for the most part, has muddled through life and continues to do so.

Tony

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Thanks Tony. I've usually made a few revisions by now, but this hasn't happened so far!

best

Phil

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19 hours ago, badger11 said:

Thanks Tony. I've usually made a few revisions by now, but this hasn't happened so far!

best

Phil

Maybe it doesn't need one! I'd call it right there just the way it is. :wink:

Tony :happy:

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Hey Badge, Love the imagery of this poem, all of nature's beauty is seen in the ripples. And the relationship between the speaker and the voice of laughter, is so comfortable. This is not a new love, it has aged with the time together. I know that love. ~~ Tink

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Thanks Tink and Tony. I have tinkered. Pleased you both enjoyed. I felt parts needed more focus.

best

badge/Phil

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Okay, I really like this one.  Right balance of narrative detail and economy.  "Your laughter was coffee" - I love it!

 - Dave

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Some strong edits in the first stanza. I liked "winter cold," but "shivers" turns it into action. Major improvement with the end stops in S1L4.  

You made some subtle improvements in stanza three that native English speakers will detect. The English language is rich, and ever-so-slight shifts in expression can impart differences in meaning. 

Tony

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Thanks Tony for taking another look and approval. Of course, me being me, still tinkering.

cheers

Phil

 

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