Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
  • Announcements

    • tonyv

      Registration -- to join PMO ***UPDATED INSTRUCTIONS***   03/14/2017

      Automatic registration has been disabled. If you would like to join the Poetry Magnum Opus online community, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of this page and follow these instructions: 1. Check your email (including your spam folder) in a timely fashion for a reply. 2. After you receive a reply, use the "Sign Up" link at the top right corner of the page to create your account. Do this fast. I've lost my patience with people who use the "Contact Us" link to express interest in joining and then don't bother to check their email for a reply and don't bother to join after registration has been enabled. The queue fills up fast with spammers, and I have to spend my time sifting through the rubbish to delete them. The window of opportunity for joining will be short. I will not have my time wasted. If you don't check your email and you don't bother registering promptly, you will find that registration has been disabled and your future requests to join may go ignored. /s/ Tony ___________________ [Registration will only be enabled for a short while from the time your message is received, so please check your email for a reply and register within 12 hours of using the "Contact Us" link. (Be sure to check your spam folder if you don't see a reply to your message.)]
    • tonyv

      IMPORTANT: re Logging In to PMO ***Attention Members***   03/15/2017

      For security purposes, please use your email address when logging in to the site. This will prevent your account from being locked when malicious users try to log in to your account using your publicly visible display name. If you are unable to log in, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of the page.
    • tonyv

      Blogs   05/01/2017

      Blogs are now accessible to Guests. Guests may read and reply to blog entries. We'll see how this works out. If Guest participation becomes troublesome, I'll disable Guest access. Members are encouraged to make use of the PMO Members' Promotional Blog to promote their published works. Simply add your latest entry to the blog. Include relevant information (your name or screen name, poem title, periodical name, hyperlink to the site where published, etc). If you have a lot of them and feel you need your own blog, let me know, and I will try to accommodate you. Members are encouraged to continue also posting their promotional topics in the Promotions forum on the board itself which is better suited for archiving promotions.

Recommended Posts

revision2

A Tufted Duck, eyes like buttons
of gold, jumps and dives. The lake
shivers. I'm wearing gloves, the ones
you knitted in no time. We're tired.

My short-cut was a thinning path,
giddy inclines, hands gripping tussocks,
that slip on shale, my jumper snagging
on bracken. Your laughter was coffee.

The duck surfaces, glistening -
it preens, dives again. Those washing-lines
beneath your eyes reveal a life
pegged with this joy of short-cuts.

 

=================================================================================

 

 

revision

A Tufted Duck, eyes like buttons
of gold, jumps and dives. The lake
shivers. I'm wearing gloves, the ones
you knitted in no time. We're tired.

My short-cut was a thinning path,
giddy inclines, hands gripping tussocks,
that slip on shale, my jumper snagging
on bracken. Your laughter was coffee.

The duck surfaces, feathers glisten,
it preens, then dives. Those washing-lines
beneath your eyes reveal a life
pegged with this tangle of short-cuts.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

original

A tufted duck, eyes like buttons
of gold, jumps and dives. The lake
is winter cold. I'm wearing gloves,
the ones you knitted , we're tired.

My short-cut was a thinning path,
giddy inclines, hands gripping tussocks,
that slip on shale, my jumper snagging
on bracken. Your laughter was coffee.

The duck surfaces, shivers ripples
across the water. Washing-lines
beneath your eyes reveal a life
pegged with tangles of short-cuts.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Neither the speaker nor nature has a compass, but each seems to find the way. The travels of the waterfowl and paths of the companions are nicely juxtaposed, and the overall sense is positive, encouraging to the reader, even optimistic. I feel better after reading this; that's coming from someone who, for the most part, has muddled through life and continues to do so.

Tony

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, badger11 said:

Thanks Tony. I've usually made a few revisions by now, but this hasn't happened so far!

best

Phil

Maybe it doesn't need one! I'd call it right there just the way it is. :wink:

Tony :happy:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey Badge, Love the imagery of this poem, all of nature's beauty is seen in the ripples. And the relationship between the speaker and the voice of laughter, is so comfortable. This is not a new love, it has aged with the time together. I know that love. ~~ Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Okay, I really like this one.  Right balance of narrative detail and economy.  "Your laughter was coffee" - I love it!

 - Dave

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Some strong edits in the first stanza. I liked "winter cold," but "shivers" turns it into action. Major improvement with the end stops in S1L4.  

You made some subtle improvements in stanza three that native English speakers will detect. The English language is rich, and ever-so-slight shifts in expression can impart differences in meaning. 

Tony

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.