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badger11

Counting The Cracks

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badger11

revision2

And then the rain. The lake shimmers promises,
our sunset's a flight of pink flamingos.
I keep this photograph. The guide and you.
That sky washes away maths and mud.

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Revision

 

I'm dry. Not been drinking. My mind blistered
after week one. It is week three. And counting
cracks does not help. The wildebeest migrate,
an iridescence of flies gathers in dreams.

And then the rain. The lake shimmered with fish,
a flock of pink flamingoes flight a sunset.
I took a photograph. The guide and you.
A happiness of straw hats and mud huts.

 

 

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Original

I'm dry. Not been drinking. My mind blistered
after week one. It is week three. And counting
cracks does not help. Arachnids web
a buzz, the iridescence of flies.

And then the rain. The lake shimmered with fish,
a flight of pink flamingoes lit a sunset.
I took a photograph. The guide and you.
Those smiles washing away the mud of huts.

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tonyv

I agree with @Tinker. This is is easy reading.

The first stanza takes me there; I've been enjoying Planet Earth on BBC America, and it goes everywhere including Africa. The mention of the flies depicts a reality that doesn't immediately come to mind until they present the close-ups of various animals.

Then there's the human equation. In the first stanza you have "counting cracks" -- futile yet human. Taking a photo -- also human. And of course, we have the speaker, the guide, and you... My favorite element: that mysterious "you."

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thank you Tony and Tink. I thought I'd mention an animal for the flies!

all the best

Phil

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Tinker

The revision confuses me.  You took away the exotic element that suggest to me you and your love had been on a holiday in an exotic land and you treasure the photo reminder.  That is all wiped out and replace by "math" that went right over my head.  Bring back the original, even though I may have totally misread it, it sang to me.

~~Tink 


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11

Thanks for taking another look Tink. Of course, Africa is a continent with many cultures, peoples and continents. Perceptions, preconceptions, are framed by media - TV and photogenic images. Although, I always attempt an empathy, the original write felt falsified - employing triggers from the media. Having said all that, I have perhaps overcondensed:rolleyes:

best

badge

 

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YarnSpinner

Badger: I hope this will not offend you. I wanted to indicate in the last line, this person was still an alcoholic trying hard to stay clean. I  recall seeing many episodes on TV depicting history of wild life in Africa., and I still think there are not enough wildlife stories available.

Last of all, you almost accomplished, something I was curious to find out. Could it have been written with 8 words only to each line. 

I'm dry. Not been drinking. My mind’s blistered
after week one. Now week three. And “counting
cracks does not help;”
 photographed herds of Wildebeest
and iridescence of flies, gathering as they rest.

A flight of pink flamingos lit by sunset,
a lake shimmering with fish; finally season rains.
In my sobered happiness, I photographed our guide,
and you in straw hats and mud huts.

YarnSpinner

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badger11

Thanks YS. Yes the form you suggest could be an option.

cheers

badge

 

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