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revision

Aunt Evie sweetens her coffee
and stares out at the sleeping homes.
The graves are liquorice black. She coughs,
draws on another roll-your-own,
unloads a basket of soiled clothes.
The machine's full. Humming a hymn
she sets the dial to synthetic white
and through the screams and cleansing foam
observes the spinning out of night.
She finds her flask of homemade gin,
hears herself sigh. Aunt Evie sips
the sloe of dreams, those berried schemes
for garden days and unclothed sin.
 

 

original

Aunt Evie sugars her black coffee
and stares out at the sleeping homes,
that leaf litter of graves. She coughs,
sucking on another roll-your-own,
and unloads a basket of soiled clothes.
The machine's full. Humming a hymn
she sets the dial to synthetic white                                   
and through the screams and cleansing foam
observes the spinning out of night.
She clasps her flask of homemade gin,
makes knowing sighs. Aunt Evie sips
the sloe of dreams, those berried schemes
for garden days and unclothed sin.
She hears her spring of bouquet themes.

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Hi Badge,  So glad to see someone else post a poem.  I like how this is poem finds the right sounds to describe ordinary tasks.  "garden days" is that the same as "salad days" ?   I like Auntie Eve.  

~~Tink

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Thanks Tink. I do revise poems here - in fact this poem started life as something else. Writing on a blank page is another matter. I do follow the prompts and your subsequent writes.

best

badge

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Some subtle but effective changes in the first revision. (I say first because I know you're always revising!) Aunt Evie seems likable to me.

Tony

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5 hours ago, tonyv said:

Some subtle but effective changes in the first revision. (I say first because I know you're always revising!) Aunt Evie seems likable to me.

Tony

Thanks Tony. I'm struggling with this one. I'll probably cut the concluding line and end on 'sin', remove the conjunction from L5; L11 is not right either. No, the revising has not finished!

cheers

Phil

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Badger: when our wash machine hit a low note and needed repair, I had to use a local laundromat.  During the waiting period I waited for ordered parts to come, so I  could repair ours. I can almost say for certain Aunt Evie or someone who fit her description, was there waiting for the loud buzzer to sound off...indicating her load of well worn clothes was ready to be rescued from the heat of the machine. I'm quite certain there is a likeness of Aunt Evie in almost every laundromat. You described the scenario very well. YarnSpinner

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Definitely the revision. I think your changes in lines 3, 4,13, & 14 make the poem. I love the graves, "liquorice black" and how you end on "sin."

Tony

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