Jump to content
Registration -- to join PMO ***UPDATED INSTRUCTIONS*** Read more... ×
IMPORTANT: re Logging In to PMO ***Attention Members*** Read more... ×
Poetry Magnum Opus

Recommended Posts

revision

At a distance, come hither smiles hooked
our greed for edges - an alliteration
of crags and crevices and clefts.

But when we arrived - so disappointed
to be diverted into a turnip field! The track
drew us away from crumbling cliffs

that cracked grins as manic as clowns
mucking about before their sadness
descended into the sea.

 

 

original

At a distance those pencil smiles hooked
our greed for edges - an alliteration
of crags and crevices and clefts.

And when we arrived so disappointed
to be diverted into a turnip field
drawing us away from the millennia

of smiles as broad as clowns
mucking about before their sadness
descended into the sea.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh so good Badge.... I can't pick a favorite line, so good.  Knowing your penchant for editing, don't "muck" with this one...:laugh:

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Tinker said:

 Knowing your penchant for editing, don't "muck" with this one...:laugh:

~~Tink

:laugh: Already started to 'muck' about. Thanks Tink.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hmmm,  I don't get the addition. It must be a local thing.  It doesn't hurt it.

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Tinker said:

Hmmm,  I don't get the addition. It must be a local thing.  It doesn't hurt it.

~~Tink

Thanks again Tink for taking another look. The 'mucking about' - I prefer the word 'tinkering' -  has begun in earnest!:rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Significant improvements in the second verse. I do question whether there should be a comma after "turnip fields." If not, perhaps "when" in L4 should be "then."

I like how you've changed the smiles in S3 to manic cracked grins, and I can't get enough of before their sadness/descended into the sea. I love that.

Tony

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now

×

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.