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Poetry Magnum Opus
badger11

Friday's always fresh fish

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Revision

She fries their eyes to pearls and never sighs.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.

It's winter now. She strides through settled snow
down the Kissing Lane, and locks our door

because I lost her gloves. I'm getting slow.
She walks her sister's eager Labrador.

I know her hands are cold, her cropped hair
flecked with frost. Childless we've grown old.

-------------------------

Original


I like the word oval. So for breakfast
an egg, just like this hand, brown and freckled.
My spoon taps gently on the shell. A child
at heart I cut soldier boys from my toast.

My wife believes in exercise and buys
organic veg. Friday's always fresh fish.
She steams their eyes to pearls and never sighs.
I like the swaying fennel, but not the fish.

It's winter now. She walks on settled snow
down the Kissing Lane, and locks our door
because I lost her gloves. I'm getting slow.
She takes her sister's eager Labrador.

I see her hands are cold, her sable hair
flecked with frost. Childless we've grown old.

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A rare sonnet from you Badge.  This is a lovely piece on aging and relationships.  It felt familiar.

~~Tink

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Thanks Tink. I quite like the ease of not writing, but then tinkering with an old poem inked the pen! I played.

best

badge

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So much good in this poem. It feels especially real, as if speaker and author are one and the same.

I like the meter and the mix of internal (exercise/buys) and end (buys/sighs) rhymes.

Since speaker and author are one and the same, and I happen to know the author, I'll go out on a limb and ask, you don't like fish?!? 

Tony :biggrin:

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Fiction Tony, I am a father, but pleased it was convincing...I eat fish more often then meat...that is my preference.

cheers

Phil

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Hmmmm,  You have taken a sonnet and written an entirely different poem using the same subject.  I don't see this as a revision at all.  2 separate poems.  

I do this occasionally,  change the structure entirely.  It gives a different slant to the same subject.   I like both.   The "revision" condenses the image but tells the same story with a little more intensity.  The sonnet has a lovely flow and feels a little more complete and relatable to me.

~~Tink 

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