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badger11

Thorns

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badger11

revision2

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

footie-mad
us

and them
his beloved roses

 

Revision

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

he sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

and now I dig
up roots

bury daffodil
bulbs

sip my home
-brew

have a chair out
-side

 

 

Original

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

he sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

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eclipse

Intriguing work.cryptic

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badger11

Thanks. Expanded to make it less obscure.

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tonyv

Revision 1 adds clarity, but turns it into a following in the footsteps narrative. Revision 2 is the distillate. You reveal the identity of the watcher and the watched, and most readers will probably relate.

Tony

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badger11

Thanks Tony. Doodling a bit here. Still not sure about the adjective for the flowers.

cheers

Phil

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tonyv

Maybe something like this...

 

footie-mad
us

and them:
his roses

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badger11

Great. Thanks Tony. Steering away from the punctuation for now, but the pause for emphasis is still there.

cheers

Phil

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tonyv
13 hours ago, badger11 said:

Steering away from the punctuation for now, but the pause for emphasis is still there.

Yes, I agree the punctuation is not needed. With the stanza and line break the pauses are still there.

I was thinking you could drop the adjective altogether. It's clear the flowers mean a lot to him. He watches the children and the roses!

Tony

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badger11
7 hours ago, tonyv said:

Yes, I agree the punctuation is not needed. With the stanza and line break the pauses are still there.

I was thinking you could drop the adjective altogether. It's clear the flowers mean a lot to him. He watches the children and the roses!

Tony

Yes, thanks Tony. I'm okay with the adjective now, since your suggestion gives a pause which avoids a clipped final line.

best

Phil

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Tinker

Oooh Badge,  Very WC Williams.  Easily could fit in the category of a wheelbarrow The last revision does give clarity.  I really like the last one.

~~Tink 

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badger11

Thanks Tink. Yes, I think the patent on this is very much WCW.

cheers

badge

 

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