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revision2

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

Dad sat and kept
an eye on

footie-mad
us

and them
his beloved roses

 

Revision

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

he sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

and now I dig
up roots

bury daffodil
bulbs

sip my home
-brew

have a chair out
-side

 

 

Original

chair left out
-side

the back door
where

he sat and kept
an eye on

us footie-mad
kids

and the yellow
roses

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Revision 1 adds clarity, but turns it into a following in the footsteps narrative. Revision 2 is the distillate. You reveal the identity of the watcher and the watched, and most readers will probably relate.

Tony

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13 hours ago, badger11 said:

Steering away from the punctuation for now, but the pause for emphasis is still there.

Yes, I agree the punctuation is not needed. With the stanza and line break the pauses are still there.

I was thinking you could drop the adjective altogether. It's clear the flowers mean a lot to him. He watches the children and the roses!

Tony

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7 hours ago, tonyv said:

Yes, I agree the punctuation is not needed. With the stanza and line break the pauses are still there.

I was thinking you could drop the adjective altogether. It's clear the flowers mean a lot to him. He watches the children and the roses!

Tony

Yes, thanks Tony. I'm okay with the adjective now, since your suggestion gives a pause which avoids a clipped final line.

best

Phil

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