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badger11

revision3

My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says 'Do not feed the ducks'
but didactics don't change overnight.
 

 

 

revision2

 

My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says 'Do not feed the ducks'
but life does not change overnight
for him. He shares. I let him be.

 

 

revision

My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says ' do not feed the ducks'
but life does not change overnight.

 

 

original

My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says ' do not feed the ducks'
but life does not change overnight.

It does, of course, though their laughter
sounds so human. It reminds me
to let her be. A breaded flock
gathered her flight of licentious joy.

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Aleksandra

Ahh badgeeer, how nice to read your poetry again. And as always, this was an amazing poem. I loved the opening of the poem, the first verse. And then as always such an amazing flow.

Great job!

 

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badger11

Glad to see you around Aleks! And enjoying badgery poetry! I think I'll cut S2.

all the best

badge

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tonyv

As a fan of short poems, I do like the path the revisions have taken. I'm torn between Revision 2 and Revision 3. I like five lines in the former and can appreciate the desire to condense in the latter. What about something like this:
 

My old teacher, telling lewd jokes
to mallards, wears a feathered hat.
The sign says 'Do not feed the ducks'
but life does not change overnight
for him … or me.

 

Just a thought. Almost all my own poems go down this road.

Tony

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badger11

Good suggestion Tony. I can't make up my mind either!

cheers

Phil

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Tinker

Far be it for me to comment on the shorter the better, but I actually love the original.    Version 2 is still really good but the 3rd would have me clueless if I hadn't read the versions before. I do like the substitution of didactics in the 3rd version but to me it was like an unfinished painting.

~~Tink

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badger11

Thanks for your comments on all the versions Tink. How much space to leave for the reader's imagination? Yes,  it can leave a reader 'clueless'!

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