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tonyv

Witch

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tonyv

In my persistent low-res dream
I trek a path beside a stream
until I reach the sylvan house.
No moon or stars. It's lightly snowing.
A bedroom windowpane is glowing.
She's on the bed in just a blouse.
I try the door. It's not secure.
The floor creaks softly when I creep.
I know, for sure, she'll have the cure
for when I'm restless and can't sleep.
Her withered limbs and crooked back
couple me to her weary thighs.
Never again will the sun rise!
Mouths, necks, hands, throats, smoke, choke, black.
_______________
IMAGES

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badger11

hi Tony,

           That was something of a surprise. A chiller. Like the monosyllabic shift for the concluding conflagration and demise. By L14 I forgot the mention of dream in L1. 

best

Phil

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tonyv

Thanks, Phil! I made a couple of minor changes. I changed "we're" in L10 to "I'm" and "our suns" in L13 to "my sun."

Tony 

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tonyv

Hmmm...changing it some more: L13 --
 

                 Never again will my sun rise! 

               -- to:

                Never again may the sun rise!

               
-- or:

                 Never again will the sun rise!
 

Small changes, big improvements … I hope.

 

(Still wavering between "may" and "will," but "my" will definitely become "the.")

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tonyv

Edited again.

L9:
 

I know, for sure, she has the cure

-- has become --

I know, for sure, she'll have the cure
 

Nothing major, just messing around with tense.

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badger11
Quote

Still wavering between "may" and "will,"

If you want 'completeness' then will

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tonyv
1 minute ago, badger11 said:

If you want 'completeness' then will

Thank you, again, Phil. "Will" it is ...

Tony 

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FrasMac

Ha! Got me! I was all up for a different magic, until the last four lines!

The early rhythmic commitment serves to draw the reader in so very willingly to the tale, then the "blouse" reference...

- serves me right for my latent voyeurism!

 

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Tinker

Hi Tony,  The title had me on edge coupled with the images that I peeked at before reading your poem. Then I started reading and like Mac, I was sort of lulled by the iambic rhythm and rhyme until she withered and you creeped me out., I loved your craftsmanship.

~~Judi

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tonyv
On ‎11‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 2:32 AM, FrasMac said:

Ha! Got me! I was all up for a different magic, until the last four lines!

The early rhythmic commitment serves to draw the reader in so very willingly to the tale, then the "blouse" reference...

- serves me right for my latent voyeurism!

 

Yes, I like the way that worked out! Thanks, FrasMac.

Tony :laugh:

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tonyv
On ‎11‎/‎24‎/‎2018 at 3:24 AM, Tinker said:

… I was sort of lulled by the iambic rhythm and rhyme until she withered and you creeped me out ...

Thank you Judi, as always, for reading and for your kind reply. And as for that witch … that was the least of her worries!

Tony 😀🎃👻

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dcmarti1

Just like badger, I had forgotten about it being a dream. Chilling stuff for winter, Tony.

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