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badger11

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badger11

revision2

Despite the mizzle my neighbour prunes
a mottled bloom. Her child collects
petals in a sandy bucket
emptied of shells. The latter heap
a shrine, a sort of seaside cairn.
And soon an interested gull
loiters for suburban fish n' chips.

You call me in to 'test' your bake:
lemon drizzle. The curve of you smiles
like a curlew beak. It fears the clip
of secateurs, the emptying
bucket, a gull that's lost in rain.
You pour the tea, slice the cake,
a semaphore of wings close-by.

 

 

 

 

 

revision

Despite mizzle the neighbour prunes
a mottled bloom. Her child collects
yellow petals in a bucket
emptied of shells. I love sandcastles.

An interested gull loiters
for fish n' chips. You call me in
to 'test' your lemon drizzle cake.
You fear the clip of secateurs,

the emptying bucket, a gull
that's lost in rain. We hoard memories.

 

===========================

original


Despite the mizzle
the neighbour prunes
a mottled bloom.
Her child collects
the drift of petals
in a castellated
bucket emptied
of sea shells.
A mound is left
near the border,
a shrine to molluscs.
An interested gull
screams for salt
and fish n' chips.
You call me in
to 'test' your bake:
a lemon drizzle.
Your smile fears
the clip of secateurs,
the emptying
of buckets,
a gull lost in rain.
We share the cake
and hoard our memories.

 

 

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Tinker

I'd take these snips any day.  Usually such short lines sound curt, clipped and your short lines flow fluidly into one another, perfectly presenting individual "snips" as part of a whole.   I love this poem.

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11

Pleased you found the fluidity in the poem Tink. My inclination is for the longer line, but I do like to experiment.

cheers

badge

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tonyv

Revision 2?
 

Despite mizzle the neighbour prunes
a mottled bloom. Her child collects petals
in a bucket emptied of shells.

An interested gull loiters
for fish n' chips.
I test your lemon drizzle cake.

You fear the clip of secateurs,
an emptying bucket, and
losing a gull to rain.

We hoard memories.



I love S3. It sums it up. I really liked a gull/that's lost in rain, and I get what you mean, but I think the construction could lead someone to conclude that she fears the gull itself. That's why I tried coming up with something to make it clear she fears losing the gull to the rain.

I like the poem. Thank you for your patience with my edits/suggestions.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks for taking a look Tony. I've been working on the poem today...latitude to longitude as it were. Still navigating😀

cheers

Phil

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