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badger11

Slapstick

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badger11

revised

Neither the mother's kiss nor the rainbow lolly
will stem the flow of tears. A dog walker
takes another path, although his labrador
is tugging him to stay. I'm feeding ducks,
cheerful, despite my fall, because I know
mother and daughter share a secret laughter.
And, after all, I was the classroom clown.

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original

 

Neither the mother's kiss nor the rainbow
lolly could hide the tears. A dog walker
takes another path, although his labrador
is tugging him to stay. I'm feeding ducks,
cheerful, despite my fall, because I know
mother and daughter share a secret laughter.
And, after all, I was the classroom clown.

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tonyv

Nice construction Phil. I'll offer two line break suggestions that will result in 99.9% flawless IP without changing a word.


Neither the mother's kiss nor the rainbow lollies
could stem the tears. A dog walker takes
another path, although his labrador
is tugging him to stay. I'm feeding ducks,
cheerful, despite my fall, because I know
mother and daughter share a secret laughter.
And, after all, I was the classroom clown.


Tony

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badger11

Thanks Tony. L1 is rather long, I may drop 'mother', but my 'playful' break on 'rainbow' was ineffective.

cheers

Phil

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