Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
badger11

Pontypool Park: A Formative Year

Recommended Posts

badger11

revision2

A salt and vinegar packet of crisps
hurries across tarmac into the bloom
of purple, white, variegated crocus.

Jay's carving on the bench dedicated
in loving memory of a husband.
Not hers. But she liked his cheeky grin. His hands.

A panting labrador ghosting that breath
of eager life, tramples through the crocus,
snaps at the crisp packet. It is the chase

that butters lips. This morning was burnt toast:
as dry as married sex he'd always say.
She carves letters into wood with precision.

======================================================================================

 

revision

 

A salt and vinegar packet of crisps
scuttles across tarmac into the bloom
of purple, white, variegated crocus.
And now it's raining. The rain's mawkish.

She's waiting on the bench dedicated
in loving memory of her best friend's
father. She can picture his breakfast grin.
It is the chase that butters lips. Not her.

========================================================================

 

original

A salt and vinegar packet of crisps
scuttles across tarmac into the bloom
of purple, white, variegated crocus.

She's waiting on the bench dedicated
in loving memory of her best friend's.
husband. She can picture his breakfast grin.

A panting labrador ghosting that breath
of eager life, tramples through the crocus,
snaps at the crisp packet. It is the chase

that butters lips. This morning was burnt toast:
as dry as married sex he'd always say.
And now it's raining. The rain's mawkish. Not her.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tinker

Badge,  I kind of liked the Parkland title.    I love the language  " packet of crisps" ,  in the US  "bag of chips" .    I have to admit to being confused by who "he" is and the last line.

My favorite line is "It is the chase that butters lips."    

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

Thanks Tink. I have restored the title.

best

badge

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

Thanks Tony. I felt 'rusty' writing this, but writing is the only way to clear the rust!

cheers

Phil

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Tinker

I'm glad you restored the title, it is interesting all by itself.

Now I have to admit to being slightly put off by ""The morning was burnt toast; as dry as married sex" he would say."  But it is really a great line and I am wondering why it is left out of the revision.  Then again changing husband to father might have influenced the omission.  I love watching the progression of your poems.

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11
On 2/19/2019 at 6:53 AM, Tinker said:

I'm glad you restored the title, it is interesting all by itself.

Now I have to admit to being slightly put off by ""The morning was burnt toast; as dry as married sex" he would say."  But it is really a great line and I am wondering why it is left out of the revision.  Then again changing husband to father might have influenced the omission.  I love watching the progression of your poems.

~~Tink

Thanks Tink. I was 'put off' by that line too, but I have restored.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dcmarti1

I did like Rev 2 best. Much more ambiguous, open to so many guesses.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

The progression of this has been interesting, especially how you took a lot out in the first revision and then reincorporated it. I, too, like Revision 2. I so want to know what she inscribed upon the bench. I don't want the poem to tell me, I just want to know!

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11
On 2/24/2019 at 11:38 PM, dcmarti1 said:

I did like Rev 2 best. Much more ambiguous, open to so many guesses.

Cheers Marti. That line between opaque and oblique is always a difficult one. Pleased I've drawn it on the right side!

best

Phil

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11
On 2/25/2019 at 12:48 AM, tonyv said:

The progression of this has been interesting, especially how you took a lot out in the first revision and then reincorporated it. I, too, like Revision 2. I so want to know what she inscribed upon the bench. I don't want the poem to tell me, I just want to know!

Tony

😀 My kind of reader!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.