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Tinker

Arlington Park

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Tinker

Arlington Park           

I'd go there in my teens, a space to think,
examine privately my doubts, make plans.
My secret place, alone I'd sit on top
the giant boulder near the hidden trail.
I knew the rock by heart, each pocket, pinch,
each handhold, foothold, where to stretch, to spread.
The hard, rough surface scraped my knees and palms,
its concrete challenge taught me, trust myself.
I had no fear, it wasn't all that tall.
Today, it's gentrified with plastic playground,
groomed flowers, picnic tables, tennis courts,
"clean" bathrooms, and fresh mowed lawn, civilized.
No hint of hiking trails or rocks to climb,
they dwell within me now, my place of dreams.
                                    ~~Judi Van Gorder

Notes: ▼


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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eclipse

This is exquisite...

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tonyv

I love blank verse. Having read your notes, I can see very clearly how the second stanza is the follow-up to the first. But on my first reads, and even now, though the poem is comprised of only twelve lines, I am inclined to characterize it as a sonnet; it's sonnet-like to me in the sense that I see a turn at the stanza break. The speaker could just as well be talking about herself, about how she has changed, how her life is different from how it was "back then" (in the first stanza). I loved it.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Tinker

Tony,  I took your comments and ran with them.  I revised and turned it into a Blank Verse Sonnet.   After badge and eclipse wrote poems with park titles I have been thinking I wanted to write one of my own.  At WDC I was challenged to write 10 lines of iambic pentameter.   I put the two together and wrote an 11 line blank verse poem.  I just couldn't contain it in 10 lines.  But it was quite literal and that bothered me.  I wanted it a little more finished, then you commented and I saw what I needed to do.  Thank you.  I hope you come back to see my revision.

~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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tonyv

I didn't think you needed to add lines to the poem; I saw a volta in it even the way it was before, and as you know, all sonnets are not fourteen lines long. That said, I like the revision very much. 

"Dreams" to "make plans" in L2 is a noticeable improvement. It's less abstract (not that I'm opposed to abstraction).

 

On 2/19/2019 at 5:06 AM, Tinker said:

Today, it's picturesque with plastic playground,
groomed flowers, picnic tables, tennis courts,
"clean" bathrooms, and lawn. It has been civilized.    L12

"Civilized" works, but I'm picturing "gentrified," specifically as if gentrified (with all the usual connotations). A couple examples of what I mean:
 


clean bathrooms and lawn: seemingly gentrified

                                -- or --

clean bathrooms and lawn. Has it been gentrified?

 

Just a few thoughts.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Tinker

Ha,  Tony, I used the perfect word but in a different place.   Picturesque was not sitting well with "plastic playground" but gentrified does.  And I can keep civilized.   Thanks  ~~Judi


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11

Have I read part of this before Tink?

 

Quote

I'd go there in my teens, a space to think,
examine privately my doubts and dreams.
My secret place, alone I'd sit on top
the giant boulder near the hidden trail.
I knew the rock by heart, each pocket, pinch,
each handhold, foothold, where to stretch, to spread
I had no fear, it wasn't all that tall.

I felt the charm, sense of freedom, in those original lines. A matter of taste I know, but that was the poem for me, the lines that connected.

best

badge

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Tinker

Thanks, I understand badge, only 2 words changed in that part of the poem and I prefer them in the last line.  What was bugging me was the silent melody lines which embarrassingly were just a filler.  I still want the two lines for the form but I wanted them to be more connected to the other lines. Thus revision #3.  In keeping with Tony's vision for this Forum as a showcase, I removed the original and interim revisions and put them in the Notes link so that only the finished product is here. 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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dcmarti1

"they dwell within me now,"

How did you get in my head, Tink?

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tonyv
On 2/23/2019 at 1:00 AM, Tinker said:

In keeping with Tony's vision for this Forum as a showcase, I removed the original and interim revisions and put them in the Notes link so that only the finished product is here.

I know you told me backchannel that you're happy having located the revisions to the footnotes topic, but I just wanted to clarify the part about the site being primarily a showcase. All I mean by that is that the Member Poetry and Overflow forums are primarily showcases, i.e. not forums for harsher criticism; that's what the Workshop is for. Members are free to post finished poems, along with revisions, in their Member Poetry and Overflow topics if they so desire.

I like how you were able to keep "civilized."

Tony 🙂


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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