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badger11

Mum's Old Watering Can

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badger11

There's no dawn chorus.
Too urban. Too much meow.

We water the herbs:
a swaying fennel,
the ever eager mint,
a pot of thyme.

A Robin's rambling along/above/beside
not furtive, bold. Streetwise.

Perhaps the family dish later,
a cawl: lamb, potatoes, carrots.
No vegetable allotments. Just driveways.

We will water the thorny bush,
and that stubborn fern,
and those annoying weeds.

We will water the dusk
to find a chorus.
Wild things. Feathered gods. Songs.

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Tinker

Ha ha,  You had me at the opening two lines.  And then it just keeps getting better.  "water the dusk to find a chorus"   WOW!     I love this!

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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badger11

Pleased you enjoyed Tink. Many bird populations are in decline, but then that is true of bees too.

all the best

badge

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tonyv

I'm prejudiced, because I saw the very first version and liked it very much. While the poem is more clear re the "chorus," I question whether there's too much bird with the addition of L2. Does it serve to distract from, or water down, the poem's human/relationship aspects?

The only suggestion I was going to make insofar as the original was concerned involved changing "memories" to "memorable":

Perhaps a family dish later:
a cawl with lamb, potatoes, and carrots
makes a memorable night.


and the last stanza to:

We water the dusk
and find a chorus.

Maybe I'm missing the point, that the point is the birds. But with the title, I'm looking beyond ecology at a snippet of the relationship between the speaker and his mother. 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks Tony. I deleted the 'memories' line because it was 'telly'. The poem is about negative changes, including the loss of life (and the suggestion the mother is no longer present).

Quote
We water the dusk

and find a chorus.

That would be a positive outcome, but...perhaps there isn't one...I'll let the reader decide.

cheers

phil

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tonyv
17 hours ago, badger11 said:

The poem is about negative changes, including the loss of life (and the suggestion the mother is no longer present).

Sorry, Phil. That part went over my head maybe because I drew conclusions from your comment to Judi about bird and bee populations.

I do like the poem. Just yesterday before making my reply I re-read Seamus Heaney's "Clearances 5" and an analysis of it. I liken your poem to his and get the same feeling from each. Here's the link to that poem and its analysis: LINK.

Tony 


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks for coming back Tony. The title and 'human' content were references for continuity, but I'm always interested in the 'pulse' of a poem and that subject matter maybe the way to go.

cheers

Phil

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