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badger11

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badger11

revision

Her loose dress flaunts the colours of sweet peas.
Another moment delights another stranger.
His tailored cloth is brown like sun-baked clay.

She woos the stranger at a bus-stop queue.
Her skin mapping tattooed promises. She strays
on the way to the garden seeking Lancelot.

No one labels strangers in the garden.
The vicar's rule. Bees are fixated by the bloom.
She's allergic to bees. Their feckless sting.

She scans the soil with a shoplifter's intent,
her eyes flecked green like Guinevere's.
Uproots another flower. Grants life to weeds.


original

Her loose dress flaunts the colours of sweet peas.
Another moment delights another stranger.
His cloth's a brown like sun-baked crusted clay.

She woos the stranger at a bus-stop queue.
Her skin inking tattooed promises. She strays
on the way to the garden seeking Lancelot.

No one labels strangers in the garden.
A convent rule. Bees are fixated by the bloom.
She's allergic to bees. Their feckless sting.

She hoes the soil with a shoplifter's intent,
her eyes flecked green like Guinevere's.
Uproots another flower. Gives life to weeds.

 

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tonyv

Some thoughts on what I think is going on in this poem.

1. In S1, an attractive woman catches peoples' attention at the bus stop.

2. One possibility, in S2, is that the woman hooks up with a man for some casual intimacy. That's not a definite, but the the use of the word stray and characterization of the man as Lancelot could be subtle hints.

3. In S3, it seems that the garden is a judgement free zone. I wonder about the characterization of the bees' stings as feckless. In my experience, bees don't usually sting unless bothered. Yellow jackets may be more aggressive and have more of a propensity to sting. Also, I question whether "covent" is a typo and should be "convent." I looked up covent, and it didn't seem to be a word, but I was led to a Wikipedia link where I learned about London's Covent Garden district. Still, the lack of capitalization leaves me wondering.

4. In S4, the woman is compared to Lancelot's mistress. Her actions are likened to those of a shoplifter; their consequences may be unintended, but they're nevertheless unavoidable.

I enjoyed the intrigue.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thank you for your reading Tony. Very much appreciated and also aligned with my intentions. In regard to the 'feckless' bees - well, that's her perception...they're out to get her!

Cheers

Phil

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tonyv

The changes in the revision are good. The change in L3 is especially effective. Not only does it eliminate the contraction and the ambiguous "crusted," the addition of "tailored" helps the reader visualize business attire. For a moment (only for a moment) in the original, I pondered whether "his cloth" could refer to a monk's robe. The inclusion of the word tailored eliminates that notion by giving it a GQ feel.

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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badger11

Thanks for returning Tony. That thought had crossed my mind for L3, but I felt the poem needed a cleaner narrative and so went for the 'business' angle.

cheers

Phil

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David W. Parsley

Oh, this subversive lady who cultivates weeds as well as flower and pea!  Sounds like she "shoplift"ed another flower on this day, probably someone with prior attachments like a spouse and family.  As with most folks, she does not realize her stings are mostly earned, and richly.

The revision is tight.  My only suggestion is to revisit the second use of "stranger" so close to its initial use, seems particularly disturbing in a poem of such lean narration.

Cheers,

 - Dave

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badger11

Many thanks Dave. I will ponder your suggestion.

all the best

Phil

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