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tonyv

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tonyv

Look out! over the tops of buildings:

the sky, the ground,
the beginning of all beginnings --

------------no bird

to carry me------------------away.


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badger11
Look out! over the tops of buildings:

 

the sky, the ground,

the beginning of all beginnings --

 

------------no bird

 

to carry me------------------away.

 

Felt like a suicide option. I'm interested in breaking the line. I like the space work, reflects a disintegration as well as a sense of flight. Perhaps don't capitalise the L or capitalise the o?

 

badge icon_biggrin.png

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Aleksandra
tonyv wrote:

 

Look out! over the tops of buildings:

 

the sky, the ground,

the beginning of all beginnings --

 

------------no bird

 

to carry me------------------away.

 

Wonderful poem Tonyy. It is different from you. More clear and sounds so nice. It has sad tone and some pain inside.

You wrote so good the part: " the beginning of all beginnings " And then something on what I am not used to hear from you. A part without hope:

------------no bird

 

to carry me------------------away

 

I love this poem. Ah almost to forget, the start of the poem it is so emotional. The words flows and it is seen that comes exactly from your deep heart.

 

Thank you for sharing

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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tonyv
Look out! over the tops of buildings:

 

the sky, the ground,

the beginning of all beginnings --

 

------------no bird

 

to carry me------------------away.

 

Felt like a suicide option. I'm interested in breaking the line. I like the space work, reflects a disintegration as well as a sense of flight. Perhaps don't capitalise the L or capitalise the o?

 

badge icon_biggrin.png

 

Hi Badge,

 

I like your ideas on this. If I don't capitalise the the L, I will probably also leave off the period at the end.

 

Thank you for your thoughts on this one!

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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tonyv

Thank you, Alek, for your perceptive read and detailed reply. I strive for clarity, and I'm pleased that you found this to be clear.

 

Yours,

 

Tony icon_smile.gif


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Tinker

Hi Tony, This small poem is interesting. I like the shape of it.

 

The first line gives me a little trouble though, I am a little unsure how to read it.

 

Look out! sounds like a startled warning to me. Then it goes on to describe where. This isn't so clear to me as to others.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

There's a quite a disquieting tone to this poem - not just the view from the top that the narrator has looking down from what one imagines is a precipice in more ways than one; but more so for that sense that perhaps this might augur the "beginning" of something yearned for and not fulfilled. Is this moment one of epiphany or one of remorse and loss of faith and hope?

 

goldenlangur


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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tonyv

Thank you, Tinker and Golden. Yes, Tink, the first line seems to be the cause of some confusion. I used the exclamation point because I wanted "look out" to be read like a spondee.

goldenlangur wrote:

 

Is this moment one of epiphany or one of remorse and loss of faith and hope?

I'm afraid that in this case it's the latter, GL.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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pawn shop

Sounds like you got pleasantly icon_king.png stoned on a rooftop on a very nice day !

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tonyv
Sounds like you got pleasantly icon_king.png stoned on a rooftop on a very nice day !

 

I'm starting to wonder whether that might actually be the best course of action. Thank you for the reply, Jonathan pawnshop. icon_wink.gif

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Jalfrezi

I really like this.

 

for some reaon leaves me in a mild state of alarm

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tonyv
I really like this.

 

for some reaon leaves me in a mild state of alarm

 

Thanks, Jalfrezi, for your kind reply. I was in fact trying to convey a sense of uneasiness/alarm.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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