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Jalfrezi

A Self Portrait

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Jalfrezi

The web of thin branches shiver from some vague static

water is drawn from them to be wasted at the surface

leaving the oustside

in a film of damp uneasiness

When the heart beats slowly life remains sucessful

After all, there is nothing urgent about this world

Diluted pain is not so toxic.

Could an encompassing dull pressure fracture the fragile interior leaving a collapsed sack of ugliness?

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pawn shop

Jalfrezi wrote:

 

The web of thin branches

shiver

from some vague(sic) static

water is drawn

from them

to be wasted at the surface

leaving the oustside

in a film of damp uneasiness

When the heart beats slowly

life remains sucessful

After all,

there is nothing urgent about this world

Diluted pain is not so toxic.

Could an encompassing dull pressure

fracture

the fragile interior

leaving

a collapsed sack of ugliness?

 

It's a strange poem.....the wording....yet fascinating.....

my critique is the structure of the sentences.....

I arranged the piece in a way more appropiate.... icon_cyclops.gif perhaps

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Aleksandra

Ah icon_biggrin.pngJonathan you are like a teacher here on the structures :) . Yes again I agree, but maybe Jalfrezi has and want the other style. So it own decision.

The web of thin branches

shiver

I like that expression so much.

 

and also this one:

 

When the heart beats slowly life remains sucessful

 

Nice job.

 

Aleksandra

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Terry L shuff

Iam not good at  critique,  but I do understand your poem.        " The poets Heart has gone to school "

                           not all poets are teachers.

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