Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
Jalfrezi

A Self Portrait

Recommended Posts

Jalfrezi

The web of thin branches shiver from some vague static

water is drawn from them to be wasted at the surface

leaving the oustside

in a film of damp uneasiness

When the heart beats slowly life remains sucessful

After all, there is nothing urgent about this world

Diluted pain is not so toxic.

Could an encompassing dull pressure fracture the fragile interior leaving a collapsed sack of ugliness?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
pawn shop

Jalfrezi wrote:

 

The web of thin branches

shiver

from some vague(sic) static

water is drawn

from them

to be wasted at the surface

leaving the oustside

in a film of damp uneasiness

When the heart beats slowly

life remains sucessful

After all,

there is nothing urgent about this world

Diluted pain is not so toxic.

Could an encompassing dull pressure

fracture

the fragile interior

leaving

a collapsed sack of ugliness?

 

It's a strange poem.....the wording....yet fascinating.....

my critique is the structure of the sentences.....

I arranged the piece in a way more appropiate.... icon_cyclops.gif perhaps

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aleksandra

Ah icon_biggrin.pngJonathan you are like a teacher here on the structures :) . Yes again I agree, but maybe Jalfrezi has and want the other style. So it own decision.

The web of thin branches

shiver

I like that expression so much.

 

and also this one:

 

When the heart beats slowly life remains sucessful

 

Nice job.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Terry L shuff

Iam not good at  critique,  but I do understand your poem.        " The poets Heart has gone to school "

                           not all poets are teachers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.