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JoelJosol

White Flag

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--- rev 2 ---

You stopped flying over like a Raptor,

turning your head side-ways at 10 o'clock,

with eyes locked against mine letting loose

a pout from your lips or a pair of cheeks rising.

 

Perhaps there is nothing left to burn or level down,

every inch of my territory you have secured,

every token resistance neutralized,

my internal communication in disarray.

 

Then, let your mechanised units roll in

and bring over the ground forces,

plant your flag over this terrain

softened by your aerial sorties.

 

For in love as in war,

it is wiser to recognize

when to raise a white flag.

 

 

--- rev 1---

You stopped flying over like a fighter plane

turning your head side-ways one-quarter of the way,

with eyes positioning to lock with mine and once set,

to let loose a squirm from the corner of your mouth,

or a pair of cheeks rising only to abruptly disengage.

 

Perhaps there is nothing left in me to burn, disrupt,

or level down, every inch of me like a territory

you have secured, every token resistance neutralized,

your intuition confirming my internal communication

in disarray.

 

Let mechanized units roll in and bring over

the ground forces, plant your flag over this terrain

softened by aerial sorties. For in love as in war,

it is wise to recognize when to raise a white flag.

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hi Joel

 

I think the metaphor is sustained in your poem, though maybe the nature of the 'white flag' is reflected in the sense of resignation. This doesn't deflate the poem, but perhaps it robs the words of 'spark'. Perhaps a change of tense would give more immediacy and intensity, but maybe you wish to retain the resigned mood or even the feel of 'detachment' to convey defeat.

 

You stopped flying over like a fighter plane

turning your head side-ways one-quarter of the way,

with eyes positioning to lock with mine and once set,

to let loose a squirm from the corner of your mouth,

or a pair of cheeks rising only to abruptly disengage.

 

a fighter plane

 

Possibly be more specific than 'fighter' and drop the staged 'like' (switch from simile to metaphor to be more direct) : spitfire, zero, etc.

 

one-quarter of the way,

 

This conveys precision, but maybe the use of the clock directions fits the metaphor better.

 

eyes positioning to lock with mine

 

Thought that effective: keys into the combat.

 

a squirm

 

Not sure this works, made me think of dribbling.

 

 

Perhaps there is nothing left in me to burn, disrupt,

or level down, every inch of me like a territory

you have secured, every token resistance neutralized,

your intuition confirming my internal communication

in disarray.

 

every inch of me like a territory

you have secured

 

Again I feel if you drop 'like' the effect is much more direct.

 

Perhaps there is nothing left in me to burn, disrupt,

or level down

 

I think the word 'perhaps' secures the sense of ineffectualness.

 

 

Let mechanized units roll in and bring over

the ground forces, plant your flag over this terrain

softened by aerial sorties. For in love as in war,

it is wise to recognize when to raise a white flag

 

softened by aerial sorties.

 

Like the use of softened: relates to 'war', but also plays with the sense of 'giving' in after initial 'fighting ones corner'.

 

For in love as in war,

it is wise to recognize when to raise a white flag

 

This statement for me reflects the poem's emotional disengagement. Perhaps a consequence of sustaining the metaphor.

 

all the best

 

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I will take up your feedback, badge, in the next revision. Thanks.

 

I came across this excellent poem when I became curious why there is no serious critiqueing of the many good but revision meriting poems in other parts of this great forum.

 

My question re this poem is: why is the original not seen along the two (2) revisions. I am here in hopes to learn from others, and the conversation becomes somewhat useless if it is impossible to see what the analytical comments are specifically aimed at.

 

More generally I am amazed that more poems that would merit being posted here, to get their due, are not. Is it because criticism and criticising, terms suggesting a panning or putdown are applied instead that of critique and critiqueing that point to an analysis to recognize and pinpoint (on basis of a universally available background/lore) not only the strong and pleasing elements first, and only then those elements that are weaker and/or detrimental. That is the normal practice among poets who associate to share their work and concern at language departments of colleges and universities and state or local poetry assemblies/leagues.

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