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badger11

Harry (revised)

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River rust drifts around

the bend

and beyond the bridge,

London bound.

 

Harry shuffles to

and fro -

they say

he’s on the mend.

 

He's found a red cap

and sends it heavenward -

like a bird in flight,

a bird of paradise.

 

An angel descends and curves

a smiley face into

the sand

and clasps his hand.

 

She calls him friend,

and lends a coin,

threads laces into

his shoes.

 

Harry meanders slowly

around the bend,

beyond the broken bridge,

to the river's end.

 

 

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

original

 

River rust drifts around

the bend

and beyond the bridge,

London bound.

 

Harry shuffles to

and fro -

they say

he’s on the mend.

 

He's found a red cap

and sends it heavenward -

like a bird in flight,

a bird of paradise.

 

An angel descends and curves

a smiley face into

the sand

and clasps his hand,

 

offers him laces

for his shoes,

gifts him a coin,

calls him friend.

 

Harry meanders slowly

around the bend,

beyond the broken bridge,

to the river's end.

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Hi badge,

 

 

This poem is very well written - made poignant and moving by the understated tone and style you've used here. Reading this again, I appreciate many, more details. To quote an example: "around the bend" - the pun here to allude to the way Harry is perceived.

 

The interface between the mundane tenor of his life and the sudden epiphany-like moment is striking and memorable.

 

I hope more well versed friends here will give you the benefit of more technical and critical perspective.

 

I find this quite an inspirational write.

 

 

goldenlangur

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Hi Badger, I like this very much. I will give this a shot line by line, but after 3 reads I am hard pressed to find much on which I could suggest improvement.

 

I love the title, I went right to it. I actually thought I was going to read about Prince Harry but was not disappointed that it was about a very different Harry.

Harry

 

L1-L4 The alliteration acts almost like a flowing river, taking the reader on its course to London. I love the opening.

River rust drifts around

the bend

and beyond the bridge,

London bound.

 

L5-L8 Harry is introduced and immediately I know it isn’t the prince. I am thinking this may have originally been a metered rhymed poem that was broken into a more open form although recreating a slightly formal frame with the quatrains. It retains the fluid rhythm of meter and the hint of rhyme but so very subtle. bend/mend round/bound

Harry shuffles to

and fro -

they say

he’s on the mend.

 

L9-L12 This bit of action in the stanza confirms what they say in the previous stanza and keeps the poem upbeat.

He's found a red cap

and sends it heavenward -

like a bird in flight,

a bird of paradise.

 

L13-L16 This is a nice metaphor with a twist, I like the smiley face.

An angel descends and curves

a smiley face into

the sand

and clasps his hand,

 

L17-L20 For me, the stanza break here created too long a pause and broke the easy flow of the poem. So joyful recovering Harry is a panhandler. I think, L19 doesn’t need “gifts him”. For some reason this stanza seems a little flat. Not sure why, maybe the even length lines in tandem with the ordinary images. (well the shoe laces while ordinary items, are a bit of a surprise so I can’t call them ordinary as far as the image is concerned.)

offers him laces

for his shoes,

gifts him a coin,

calls him friend.

 

L21-L24 I love it when a poem comes full circle. The perfect ending.

Harry meanders slowly

around the bend,

beyond the broken bridge,

to the river's end.

 

You just get better and better. Another keeper.

 

~~Tink

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L17-L20 For me, the stanza break here created too long a pause and broke the easy flow of the poem. So joyful recovering Harry is a panhandler. I think, L19 doesn’t need “gifts him”. For some reason this stanza seems a little flat. Not sure why, maybe the even length lines in tandem with the ordinary images. (well the shoe laces while ordinary items, are a bit of a surprise so I can’t call them ordinary as far as the image is concerned.)

offers him laces

for his shoes,

gifts him a coin,

calls him friend.

 

Pleased you enjoyed Tink. I've quoted the above since I find your remarks here especially helpful. The 'coin' was an allusion to the river Styx and the laces related to those that contemplate suicide and have their laces removed. In this sense the word 'gifts' is ironic and the items actually facilitate Harry's end. I think I'll keep the items, but you've highlighted the weakness of the verbs: 'offers' suggests choice and Harry is beyond that; both 'offers' and 'gift' don't contribute to the sound in this poem. Will ponder!

 

all the best

 

badge icon_biggrin.png

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