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    • tonyv

      Registration -- to join PMO ***UPDATED INSTRUCTIONS***   03/14/2017

      Automatic registration has been disabled. If you would like to join the Poetry Magnum Opus online community, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of this page and follow these instructions: 1. Check your email (including your spam folder) in a timely fashion for a reply. 2. After you receive a reply, use the "Sign Up" link at the top right corner of the page to create your account. Do this fast. I've lost my patience with people who use the "Contact Us" link to express interest in joining and then don't bother to check their email for a reply and don't bother to join after registration has been enabled. The queue fills up fast with spammers, and I have to spend my time sifting through the rubbish to delete them. The window of opportunity for joining will be short. I will not have my time wasted. If you don't check your email and you don't bother registering promptly, you will find that registration has been disabled and your future requests to join may go ignored. /s/ Tony ___________________ [Registration will only be enabled for a short while from the time your message is received, so please check your email for a reply and register within 12 hours of using the "Contact Us" link. (Be sure to check your spam folder if you don't see a reply to your message.)]
    • tonyv

      IMPORTANT: re Logging In to PMO ***Attention Members***   03/15/2017

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    • tonyv

      Blogs   05/01/2017

      Blogs are now accessible to Guests. Guests may read and reply to blog entries. We'll see how this works out. If Guest participation becomes troublesome, I'll disable Guest access. Members are encouraged to make use of the PMO Members' Promotional Blog to promote their published works. Simply add your latest entry to the blog. Include relevant information (your name or screen name, poem title, periodical name, hyperlink to the site where published, etc). If you have a lot of them and feel you need your own blog, let me know, and I will try to accommodate you. Members are encouraged to continue also posting their promotional topics in the Promotions forum on the board itself which is better suited for archiving promotions.
tonyv

Winnipeg

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winter light, glinting towers

the vast expanse

settles into frozen dusk

 

I miss your pulse, your heat

the energy when you’re here

 

far from you: shiver

nightfall is near--

 

endless sky with light so low

high iron rail into the sunset

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Hi Tony, I like it. Your use of concrete images is its strength. You make critique difficult.

 

Winnipeg

 

winter light, glinting towers

the vast expanse

settles into frozen dusk

 

I miss your pulse, your heat

the energy when you’re here

 

far from you: shiver

nightfall is near--

 

endless sky with light so low

high iron rail into the sunset Even the title sounds cold and far away

 

icy images

 

dusk sounds glaring white

 

connection to blood, warm alive

when / here - says "not here now"

 

the best line -- the word shiver sent goosebumps up my spine

the glare becomes shadowed

 

very dimmed now, the poem moves with the light

I didn't get this image, maybe I need to look up Winnipeg

 

Even reading several times and taking it apart, I couldn't see any place I would make a change. I will be back to this after I have taken a try at finding out what the high iron rail represents....

 

~~Tink

Edited by tonyv

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Ah, Tinker, I do have to give a hint on the high iron rail; it's an allusion that's pretty obscure to all but railfans. icon_biggrin.png Canada is traversed by two mainline transcontinental railroads that pass through the vicinity of Winnipeg, the capitol of Manitoba. "High iron" is a reference to the higher iron content of mainline rail, which must be constructed to withstand the greater abuse of more frequent, faster, and heavier trains than shortlines and spurs.

 

This one has been bothering me some, I think mainly because of the first line. I started to wonder whether a complete sentence for the first line, some capitalization, and additional punctuation would do the trick. I had something like this in mind:

 

 

 

Winter light glints from city towers.

The vast expanse

settles into frozen dusk.

 

I miss your pulse, your heat,

the energy when you’re here;

 

far from you, I shiver:

nightfall is near.

 

Endless sky with light so low --

high iron rail

---------------------------hammers

into the sunset.

 

 

 

But I don't know. I'd love to find a medium, something in between my sentence fragments sans punctuation, and this version. Which one do you like better?

 

Tony

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Hi Tony, I suspected as much about the "high rails", however I still am going to pursue a visual image. Just ran out of time earlier. Couldn't keep my eyes open, I'd been at the computer all day.

 

Truthfully, the 2nd version is more fluid, melodic and more complete. In the 1st version my first read of L6 "far from you, shiver" stumbled a bit, I wasn't sure how to read "shiver", but on 2nd read I got it and I had an emotional reaction. There was no question in the 2nd version, no stumble and no less a reaction.

 

And the addition of and position of L10 in the 2nd version "hammers" adds a strength to the poem. I could hear the clack of the train and the word placement made the poem more visually appealing. Nice, the 2nd version gets my vote. It is clean, trimmed yet carries a rhythm that enhances the energy of the images.

 

~~Tink

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tonyv wrote:

 

winter light, glinting towers

the vast expanse

settles into frozen dusk

 

I miss your pulse, your heat

the energy when you're here

 

far from you: shiver

nightfall is near--

 

endless sky with light so low

high iron rail into the sunset

 

First I'd like to confess that this writing is to my taste: from the sparse, restained,

austere opening to the honest, direct confessional of 'I miss your pulse'; the immediacy of 'nightfall is near'; the movement and interaction, shaping, of inner and outer landscapes. There are a lot of reasons to spend time with his poem.

 

 

winter light, glinting towers

the vast expanse

settles into frozen dusk

 

Some might say there are a lot of adjectives/modifiers for your nouns and that this paints the reader a picture, but doesn't allow them to experience the scene. Maybe I'm a lazy reader, but the lines, as a whole, translated the cold for me and prepared me for the 'shiver' later on. The palpable 'frozen dusk' was the most effective, but I also liked 'glinting' for that metallic hardness. Maybe 'expanse' already implies 'vast' and 'winter' is just too general a label, but personally it feels convincing in its straight- forwardness. I prefer these lines in their present format since the longer line diffuses the mood and with the title I don't need the word 'city'.

 

I miss your pulse, your heat

the energy when you're here

 

I simply relate to this and expresses for me the numbness, the void, the listless indifference without the presence of that 'other'. The contrast with the opening is perfect: the cold/heat; stillness/movement. Again I would offer another viewpoint: that 'energy' just translates 'pulse' and 'heat'. However, for me, in my experience, 'energy' is the exact word!

 

far from you: shiver

nightfall is near--

 

It is a matter of taste, but the 'stumble', the isolation of 'shiver', allows this reader to dwell on that word, feel the chill. 'I shiver' is weak in comparison (one 'I' in the poem is enough). The far/near is a feature of your poetry, but here I like how you've placed the words in the lines.

 

endless sky with light so low

high iron rail into the sunset

 

That word 'endless' and mention of 'light' keys me back to the opening, outer landscape. There is something about 'with light so low' I like a lot, but I can't put into words - I guess that's how it should be sometimes. Is the last line reference too obscure? Is writing there to take us beyond our experiences/knowledge? The latter is my view.

 

I don't like the revision, the format, the longer lines, the word 'hammers,' the punctuation - 'melodic' softens a poem for me. I like the 'pristine' original.

 

badge

Edited by badger11

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Thank you, Tinker, for your thoughts on both versions. I would like to find a happy medium that falls somewhere between the first and second versions for my revision. You have given me some good feedback. Thank you for it!

 

Tony

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Thank you, Badge, for all your thoughts on this! It is especially comforting where you point out that,

Some might say there are a lot of adjectives/modifiers for your nouns and that this paints the reader a picture, but doesn't allow them to experience the scene. Maybe I'm a lazy reader, but the lines, as a whole, translated the cold for me and prepared me for the 'shiver' later on. The palpable 'frozen dusk' was the most effective, but I also liked 'glinting' for that metallic hardness. Maybe 'expanse' already implies 'vast' and 'winter' is just too general a label, but personally it feels convincing in its straight- forwardness. I prefer these lines in their present format since the longer line diffuses the mood and with the title I don't need the word 'city'.

It's interesting how you note that the modifiers are in some way effective in this poem. Perhaps there's a proper balance. Also helpful is where you point out the possible reduncies with what you said above and here:

Again I would offer another viewpoint: that 'energy' just translates 'pulse' and 'heat'. However, for me, in my experience, 'energy' is the exact word!

... and how they are not terribly offensive, rather that they seem to be working in the poem. I will take all of this into consideration when I revise.

 

With appreciation,

 

Tony

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Hi Tony,

 

Yes, badge is right - the sparseness of your poem definitely works well with the motif. It has a haiku-like succinct juxtaposition of images to evoke feelings. The bars of the "high iron rail" suggest separation, isolation and a cutting off - quite poignant.

 

Just a wee thought : I wondered instead of "into" would "in the sunset" work?.

 

Please feel free to ignore my reading if you find it of little help.

 

But I certainly enjoyed this work.

 

goldenlangur

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goldenlangur wrote:

 

Yes, badge is right - the sparseness of your poem definitely works well with the motif. It has a haiku-like succinct juxtaposition of images to evoke feelings. The bars of the "high iron rail" suggest separation, isolation and a cutting off - quite poignant.

 

Just a wee thought : I wondered instead of "into" would "in the sunset" work?.

Thank you, Golden, for your succinct and useful observations. I'm sorry for my late reply ... Somehow this got by me, and Alek pointed it out to me the other day.

 

Your mention of the haiku-like characteristics of this gives me a fresh perspective, not only on this poem, but also on the possibilities that exist in haiku. And, yes, I agree: in would work in lieu of into; the latter implies motion, while the former indicates the static. Perhaps showing a lack of motion -- of being stuck with no train on the rails -- could heighten the sense of desolation that I'm trying to convey in the poem.

 

With appreciation,

 

Tony

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winter light, glinting towers

the vast expanse

settles into frozen dusk

 

I miss your pulse, your heat

the energy when you’re here

 

far from you: shiver

nightfall is near--

 

endless sky with light so low

high iron rail into the sunset

 

Right, so ... I can have a good old go at you. Winnipeg is the most boring city in the whole known world, apart from bloody Limerick and possibly Wichita, Kansas. Other candidates come to mind.

 

Trouble is, of course, it's a good poem!

You might want to re-arrange the bits, though, do some casual punctuation?

 

Winter light, glinting towers,

a sweeping expanse, vast,

settles into a frozen dusk

 

so far from you: I shiver

and nightfall is here --

 

I miss your pulse, your heat,

that energy when you're near.

 

High iron rail into the sunset,

an endless sky with light so low.

 

I enjoyed that, Tony. It's fun to play around with other people's work. Generally people scream or try to shoot you. OK, now I can post my Russian ballerina and you can have a go!

 

All the best,

Bren

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Thanks for resurrecting this one, Brendan.:) I haven't had much luck coming up with anything new lately, but I think fixing this would be a worthwhile task. I always liked the poem, but that's because I find its subject intriguing, not boring.:icon_razz: I tend to like places that experience extreme temperature changes, and Winnipeg, being located very near the geographic center of the North American continent, is one of them.

 

I think I've been stuck with this one because I've been reluctant to play around with the order of the images and clauses. Perhaps that's where I should start.

 

I hope to revise this soon. thanks for your help!

 

Tony

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I finally revised this one and posted it in the member poetry showcase. Here's the revised version:

 

Winnipeg

The glinting towers on the prairie
have darkened with the frozen plain.
Without her pulse and heat I'm weary;
her essence cleared out like a train.
It left this reach with light so low
where mainlines shiver in the snow.

 

Of course, I'm still open to suggestions. Perhaps I'll revise it some more. Until then, thanks again, everyone.
 

Tony

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I'm taking another look at this one. The poem is composed in iambic tetrameter.

Here is what I have posted in Member Poetry and notations that show the grammatical problems I'm having with it:

 

The glinting towers on the prairie
have darkened with the frozen plain.     -- I mean descended into darkness, together (or along) with the plain.
Without her pulse and heat I'm weary;
her essence cleared out like a train.
It left this reach where light's so low       -- This contraction goes too far. "Light's" is possessive, and I mean "light is."
that mainlines shiver in the snow.

 

And here it is with the changes I'm considering:

 

The glinting towers on this prairie
have dimmed, as has the frozen plain.
Without her pulse and heat I'm weary;
her essence cleared out like a train.
It left this reach where light is low
and mainlines shiver in the snow.



I'll think about this for a few days and consider other possibilities.

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23 minutes ago, badger11 said:

Nearly missed this Tony. Saw an update on the right side of my screen. I have to sleep for work now...but will be back!

Well, no need to spend a lot of time on it. Even I won't. Most every poem I post is mostly "done," but every once in a while I'll look back and address some flaw(s) I may come across.

Tony :happy:

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Quote

It left this reach where light is low
and mainlines shiver in the snow.

I prefer these revised lines because the pacing is slower.

 

Quote

The glinting towers on this prairie
have dimmed, as has the frozen plain.

Not so sure about this: there is verb repetition of have/has in the same line; and as has doesn't deliver the most appealing sonics to read (pyrrhic?)

I'm afraid I don't have other options at this time.

best

Phil

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Thanks, Phil.

2 hours ago, badger11 said:
Quote

It left this reach where light is low
and mainlines shiver in the snow.

I prefer these revised lines because the pacing is slower.

I agree.

2 hours ago, badger11 said:
Quote

The glinting towers on this prairie
have dimmed, as has the frozen plain.

Not so sure about this: there is verb repetition of have/has in the same line; and as has doesn't deliver the most appealing sonics to read (pyrrhic?)

I agree on have/has and will consider other hopefully more interesting options. As for meter, no pyrrhics, only iambs:

/ the GLIN / ting TOW / ers ON / this PRAI /rie

/ have DIMMED / as HAS / the FRO /zen PLAIN /

Tony

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/ have DIMMED / as HAS / the FRO /zen PLAIN /

Yes, I was aware of that scan. The remark was more an interest. Stresses are greater/weaker than others in a line. I thought the line illustrated that point.

best

Phil

 

 

 

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7 minutes ago, badger11 said:

Yes, I was aware of that scan. The remark was more an interest. Stresses are greater/weaker than others in a line. I thought the line illustrated that point.

best

Phil

 

 

 

I thought that's what you might have been referring to. Sometimes it's helpful to indicate levels of stress:
 

/ have3 DIMMED4 / as2 HAS3 / the1 FRO3 / zen2 PLAIN4 /
 

In any case, they're still iambs. I insist! I insist!

Tony :rolleyes:

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I thought that's what you might have been referring to. Sometimes it's helpful to indicate levels of stress:
 

/ have3 DIMMED4 / as2 HAS3 / the1 FRO3 / zen2 PLAIN4 /
 

In any case, they're still iambs. I insist! I insist!

Tony

Agreed - the shape of a smile came to mind - if I were to graph the numbers

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