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badger11

Pippin (revised)

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Unbuttoning her coat beyond her blush

of russet red. She shivers in whispers:

the seeded core browning in frosted light.

 

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

1st revision

 

Unbuttoning a coat beyond the blush

of russet red. She shivers in whispers,

the seeded core browning in frosted light.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Original:

 

Unbuttoning her coat beyond her blush

of russet red. She shivers in silence:

the seeded core browning in Autumn chill.

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Hey Badge,

 

I like the changes, specifically the change from her coat to a coat. It lets the reader come to his own conclusion as to whose coat she unbuttons (e.g. hers, a child's, etc.).

 

When I read the poem, I considered a subtle difference between frosted light and frosty light. In the case of the former, I pictured a cold so extreme the light is frosted ... like a mug right out of the freezer. In the case of the latter, I just pictured an ordinary chill, which raised the question -- an interesting one -- why she would unbutton her coat. Furthermore, it almost precluded the possibility that she was unbuttoning a child's coat. Autumn was okay, too (IMO), but I would have preferred it in lower case. Also, autumn would have coincided with my "frosty light" rumination. I'm not sure if any of this matters, but I just thought I'd offer my thoughts on these specifics.

 

I wonder if the poem might benefit from having the punctuation tweaked a bit more, like this:

Unbuttoning a coat beyond the blush

of russet red, she shivers in whispers;

the seeded core browns in frosted light.

 

I'm not sure if that would distort the meaning, but it might work.

 

Warm regards,

 

Tony

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I must amend what I wrote ...

 

Upon applying my own punctuation tweaks, it has become all too clear: she is definitely unbuttoning her coat. After all, "she shivers." (I also like whispers in lieu of silence.) Please pardon my confusion icon_redface.gif...

 

Tony icon_biggrin.png

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badger11 wrote:

 

Unbuttoning a coat beyond the blush

of russet red. She shivers in whispers,

the seeded core browning in frosted light.

 

 

 

-------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Original:

 

Unbuttoning her coat beyond her blush

of russet red. She shivers in silence:

the seeded core browning in Autumn chill.

 

Love the original, but more the revision. You are talking about an apple. Is it considered a feminine noun/thing? Why "beyond" and not simply "behind for that is where the core is. Or is "she" biting the apple to reveal the core? Autumn was not half bad except for the uc A (personification?). How about "She shivers, silently, etc." Not the colon nor the semicolon. Comma says "and", and "she shivers" and "core (is) browning are parallel and independent though simultaneous happenings, wherefore a period would not be wrong.

 

I love nothing more than a first class poem in its growing stages. No point in trying to make an attempt at improving an 'old geezer'.

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Thanks Tony and Waxwings.

 

My intention is to have an ambiguity in this poem, but perhaps that has confused the meaning. On one level I wanted the reader to imagine simply an apple, but on another the loss of innocence/virginity. Perhaps the revision has become too impersonal and detached.

 

I pictured a cold so extreme the light is frosted

 

That was my intention: to convey an extreme and the fact I associate 'light' with 'life-giving'.

 

The punctuation is a problem. I wanted to depict an action and its consequence.

 

Many thanks for your help guys to consider further 'tweaks'.

 

cheers

 

badge

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Thanks Tony and Waxwings.

 

My intention is to have an ambiguity in this poem, but perhaps that has confused the meaning. On one level I wanted the reader to imagine simply an apple, but on another the loss of innocence/virginity. Perhaps the revision has become too impersonal and detached.

 

I pictured a cold so extreme the light is frosted

 

That was my intention: to convey an extreme and the fact I associate 'light' with 'life-giving'.

 

The punctuation is a problem. I wanted to depict an action and its consequence.

 

Many thanks for your help guys to consider further 'tweaks'.

 

cheers

 

badge

 

Being yet unsure of the ropes here, is a 'critique' OK here? A general rule is, "Say two good things for each bad". Since I have nothing 'bad' to say, this is not a critique, but leaves me open to say good things.

 

The ambiguity does work. Coat/skin removed to reveal a core is, the way you articulate it, to me an obvious allegory for loss: of innocence etc., but the imaginative and marvelous trope, "whisper(ing?) in (through?) shivers" could be diverting. Methinks, poem could gain by some wee expansion. Or not.

 

In my homeland, pippin is a winter apple (masc.), not ripe/fully flavored until after frost and "frosted light" is another great trope.

 

Whenever possible, I favor "best words" alternatives, esp. if the semantics I read are not the ones I 'hear' from context.

 

I hope my 'edition' is true to your concept. After repeatedly savoring the lines, I think the original "her" is definitely better than "a" for it is not just any old coat you mean. Following the title, it does aim at that of the apple but the switch to feminine is significant for w/o, it may not be instantly apparent that the apple is the vehicle and a woman the tenor of the metaphor/allegory. My line breaks are merely there for me to find what I was looking for.

 

I still have not grasped how the semantic of "beyond" works, but it does not really matter, as it is OK by you and others.

 

Unbuttoning her coat

beyond the blush of russet red,

she shivers, in whispers,

the seeded core browning in frosted light.

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Being yet unsure of the ropes here, is a 'critique' OK here? A general rule is, "Say two good things for each bad". Since I have nothing 'bad' to say, this is not a critique, but leaves me open to say good things.

 

Here I just attempt to give honest and helpful feedback, good or bad, though I do edit if I feel my comments may be too destructive.

 

I think the original "her" is definitely better than "a" for it is not just any old coat you mean. Following the title, it does aim at that of the apple but the switch to feminine is significant for w/o, it may not be instantly apparent that the apple is the vehicle and a woman the tenor of the metaphor/allegory.

 

I agree and have made the edit.

 

What lies 'beyond' the blush - a blush signifies to me both innocence, awareness, and desire.

 

Although the line breaks are for you to grasp meaning, I think they may be a means of unravelling my punctuation problem.

 

Very helpful.

 

badge

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Being yet unsure of the ropes here, is a 'critique' OK here? A general rule is, "Say two good things for each bad". Since I have nothing 'bad' to say, this is not a critique, but leaves me open to say good things.

 

Here I just attempt to give honest and helpful feedback, good or bad, though I do edit if I feel my comments may be too destructive.

 

I think the original "her" is definitely better than "a" for it is not just any old coat you mean. Following the title, it does aim at that of the apple but the switch to feminine is significant for w/o, it may not be instantly apparent that the apple is the vehicle and a woman the tenor of the metaphor/allegory.

 

I agree and have made the edit.

 

What lies 'beyond' the blush - a blush signifies to me both innocence, awareness, and desire.

 

Although the line breaks are for you to grasp meaning, I think they may be a means of unravelling my punctuation problem.

 

Very helpful.

 

badge

 

Whooee, it feels good when one's half-mumblings find such fine response. Hope you return it to me in spades. Yes I see the beyon now. Wish I had time to re-read all the poems I've ever heard/seen.

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