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tonyv

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About tonyv

  • Birthday 08/14/1970

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    Rhode Island

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  1. Very well composed, Barry. I've read it numerous times, and it's addictive. Each time I want to read it again. I always like when onomatopoeia is mentioned in a poem. It never gets old. The two verse set-up is perfect with the stanza break coming just at the right time when reading out loud (i.e. for taking a breath) and also for thought. There's nothing superfluous. Some of my favorite excerpts are ... the male / grips the gift of a fish to his mate and the reference to "the intimacy of otters." Also, The night is arguing with itself and the line break after "snap" are especially to my liking, snap being a word that for me invokes the expression "cold snap," yet in this case it drops to "of thunder" in the next line, followed with "perhaps." Nice work. Tony
  2. Revision 4 is working well for me. The change to the first person removed any obscurity, and the metaphor is now clear. Tony
  3. Just as I resolve to spend more time here in the forums, a submission like this serves to reinforce that which I already know. Namely, that PMO's membership submits compositions of the highest caliber. This one is tight. The impeccable meter and near-rhymes in the couplets present with such subtlety that after reading the poem I actually had to take a look back at why the poem was so fluid. I read somewhere how the language in a poem by one of my favorite poets is "slightly removed form everyday usage." I would characterize the language in lines 3 & 4 as "ever so slightly removed from everyday usage," nuanced by the plain expression of lines 5 & 6 with their unexpected, yet natural silently/to be line endings. I had to look up Pareidolia. When I think back to Dave Parsley's recent mention of a footprint on the moon -- an actual footprint, that is -- the image of the face on Mars and the face in the clouds from your poem become even more pronounced thereby making it harder, even less desirable to separate the logical from the abstract. Detecting a bit of kismet in this bigger picture, the concept for me becomes like the "echo chamber": I want it to be a face in the clouds so it must be, it will be, it is. This is the type of work I aspire to. Thank you for sharing it. Tony
  4. Thanks for checking in, Dave. And thanks for the link you shared. I'll check it out. Too funny! I'm happy to report that I've resolved to be around more often, but it will take time, a while, for me to get to those topics in the Workshop. Clearly the works you've posted there (Marti has one, too) and the discussions are advanced and deserve more than I am qualified to offer quickly. I'm working on activating some unused features on the site. There's a "Portal" feature I think could serve as the main page for the site. I'm hoping to showcase some new content: articles, promoted topics (including ones from the Promotions and Reference subforums), events that members might want to promote, etc. Comments will be enabled so discussions can ensue. Some ideas for content: 1. Articles/news about member poets, other poets, poetry, and the literary arts generated both internally and found elsewhere on the web (not copy/pasted or otherwise reproduced but referenced for discussion purposes) 2. Promoted topics from the Promotions subforum if the authors are willing to generate some additional content about the published works, their experiences with the various places of publication, any pictures if they so choose, etc. 3. Members who might want to promote themselves would be welcome to submit articles, bios, achievements, projects, etc. for consideration to be showcased as articles 4. Promoted Reference section topics with comments enabled I'll make a topic for discussion and open the Portal for Member participation once I get it set up. The Portal will hopefully serve as a "blog for the site" (and its Membership) serving up quality content. When it's eventually underway, I'll make it visible to guests. Tony [i'll pin this topic for now.]
  5. Thank you, Dave, for the thoughtful and most kind reply. I've struggled with the "of" you point out but am hesitant to remove it because doing so will throw off the meter. I'll definitely give it some more thought and hopefully come up with something that gets rid of the "of" without the compromise. Also, I'm considering changing "upon" to "onto." And I love all of this, especially the comparison to the footprint on the moon. With appreciation, Tony
  6. Marti, good to see you. Thanks for the link. I'll check it out. Tony
  7. Thank you, Geoff. I know that you know what you're talking about, and that's why your replies always mean a lot to me. This work was compiled, pared down from about three times as many lines. This is the distillate. Very much appreciated, Tony
  8. And a worthy throwback piece it is. I loved the mention of Mars, the jab at religion, and the final two lines. This unrhymed sonnet in iambic tetrameter reads like a rhymed piece. I think it's the near rhyme at the end: Headstone detached-- gathering dust Archaic as Ozymandias What an allusion! Tony
  9. On second thought, changing L3 back to "icy." "Icy" is good. If the reflections are there, then it's likely a blue sky. Tony
  10. Thank you again, Phil, for revisiting. I added the ellipsis, for now; I may remove it again later. I also changed "icy flow" in L3 to "blue sky flow"; that's really what I want to depict, no matter the season. I'll keep "drops" for now.; I like the "compulsive suddenness/pull" you mentioned. Tony
  11. Also, I changed "from" in L5 to "of": ... Now, we of naught ... We are a part of nothingness, not from nothingness ... I guess. Tony
  12. Thank you, Phil. I always look forward to your thoughts and input whenever I post a poem. I want "again" for the reasons you've stated, and what I really want is to force the reader to pause after "thoughts": Again, the thoughts ... of hands on her inked skin -- the hands no longer there -- and my gaze drops I've been considering various punctuation options but have not yet figured out which one will yield the desired result. Perhaps the ellipsis in the example above? Another option would be to move the em-dash: Again, the thoughts -- of hands on her inked skin, the hands no longer there -- and my gaze drops I prefer conventional punctuation, and I think that the ellipsis might be more standard, more "correct." I know the ellipsis tends to be overused, but it in this case it might actually be appropriate. I tried to find an example of where a comma might have been used before "of," but I couldn't find one, and it just looks wrong; I can't bring myself to do it if it's grammatically wrong. Perhaps a colon -- Again, the thoughts: of hands on her inked skin -- the hands no longer there -- and my gaze drops -- but that seems too strong and somewhat unconventional. I'm curious how you read it. Do you pause after "thoughts"? If so, then perhaps it's fine as it stands in the original. Which option do you prefer? 1. The ellipsis 2. Moving the em-dash 3. The colon 4. As it stands Personally, I'm leaning toward the ellipsis or nothing. I've considered "falls" and "lowers." Which one do you prefer, "drops," "falls," or "lowers"? Tony
  13. Another killer title to draw me in. It conjured images of Texas, abandoned slaughterhouses, and the ghosts of bovine already gone for decades. All that from the title. But then, for me, it's from Africa to Northern Europe back to Africa. I prefer the revision. The metaphor is more accessible in that version. Tony
  14. I prefer revision 3. You brought "Centurion" back. And although I loved "her smile" -- I craved it like an addict -- the change to "a smile" is necessary, and I still got my fix when it came to "her warmth" in L4. The second verse is haunting. He has not yet died by the sword, but he has to be questioning what he has done. Awesome, perfectly matched title. Tony
  15. Thank you, Judi. I do have to be deliberate with word choices especially when my poems are this short! Tony