• Announcements

    • tonyv

      Registration -- to join PMO   03/14/2017

      Automatic registration has been disabled. If you would like to join the Poetry Magnum Opus online community, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of this page. ___________________ [Registration will only be enabled for a short while from the time your message is received, so please check your email for a reply and register within 24 hours of using the "Contact Us" link. (Be sure to check your spam folder if you don't see a reply to your message.)]
    • tonyv

      IMPORTANT: re Logging In to PMO ***Attention Members***   03/15/2017

      For security purposes, please use your email address when logging in to the site. This will prevent your account from being locked when malicious users try to log in to your account using your publicly visible display name. If you are unable to log in, use the "Contact Us" link at the bottom of the page.
Tinker

Malaise

10 posts in this topic

Malaise (revision)

Naked limbs jut
from moss covered
tree trunks as if
dead or dying
and the occasional faded bloom
limps into the rain. .

Wet fallen leaves
mat the garden path
with a slick brown malaise
that seeps into my pores.

Winter is a drug
that locks me inside my cave,
freezes my body
and dampens my mind
until my thoughts
emerge soggy and flat.
-- Judi Van Gorder


Malaise

Naked limbs jut
from moss covered tree trunks
as if dead or dying
and the occasional faded bloom limps
into the rain. to depress
and silence the earth
.

Wet fallen leaves mat
the garden path with a slick brown malaise
that seeps into my pores.

I wait, cold and dispirited.
Winter, like a drug
that locks me inside my cave,
freezes my body
and dampens my mind until
my thoughts emerge soggy and flat.
-- Judi Van Gorder

I haven't written anything for a while so here is a rough draft from this morning. I am open to suggestions for improvement. Normally I work with a poem awhile before posting. This one is its raw self. ~~Tink Sorry, I am already slashing and dashing. Doesn't leave much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had the luxury of seeing this before your edits, Tinker. I opened it quickly and minimized it (until I could get to it) just in case you edited it. :)

 

I really like the line breaks in your edited version. And your edits themselves, however minor, yielded major improvements; that itself is skill at work.

 

I love the title and how you incorporate it into the second verse: the usage of the word malaise is subtle, and I can feel it. I'm excited about this new poem.

 

 

Tony

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Tony. The sun is shining today so I feel better. :icon_cool: Badger suggested I consider depersonalizing the poem which is something i struggle with all of the time. I am thinking about it.

 

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tinker,

 

This is a lovely reflection on malaise and writer's block.It stands as it is- with crossed out lines and all as an example of the process itself- I found it satisfying and fun and shows your talent despite the evident frustration etc.

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

 

DC&J

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A marvelous poem (PAI), and the 'draft' is eminently amenable to just a miniscule editing. I did read it before your revisions, some perhaps unneeded, at least in how I 'read' the core image and its meaning. I have always relished your gift. It has grown and is still growing. That is good.

 

To be point specific, and for the ease of it, I am taking the liberty of making small tweaks WITHIN your quote. Of course, I lack the benefit of your insights, but the poem sends a most eloquent sense of the season and associated feelings.

 

As tony notes, your line breaks are fine, since one of the tenets, to make lines more notable, is to end in strong words, e.g., nouns or verbs, esp. in unrhymed/free/open forms. But that is a generalization, since other words may work, if they fit the images that form the story/syntax.

 

I wonder if, at times, endings having both: noun and verb, may be like spending your ammunition prematurely. My tweeks are mostly in breaking some lines to make all significant parts more noticeable.

 

Please note, I am truly blessed to have you supply poetic ideas of the kind I may not have and try to develop Lewis Turco's hint there is such a thing as 'grammatical prosody' to replace rhyme and meter and still have verse.

 

BTW, L10 ends w/ word same as title. Can you find, for title,word/phrase/utterance synonymous to "malaise"?

 

Malaise

 

Naked limbs .................................................[a break here keeps the strength of the ending noun (phrase) from being obscured]

jut from moss-covered tree trunks,

as if dead or dying, ................... [could use "perhaps", "as if" makes simile; w/o it, line is a hidden metaphor , stronger.]

and the occasional, faded bloom

limps into the rain. .........................................[would "droops" do? for I'm horrifyied to think a blossom could "limp" (with a crutch?!]

to depress .....................................[two good lines, ? edit to tell what "silences and depresses", I hope it's not "blossom"]

and silence the earth.

 

Wet, fallen leaves

mat the garden path

with a slick, brown malaise

that seeps into my pores.

 

I wait,

cold and dispirited,

while winter, like a drug ................................[since there is no such drug, a metaphor is, again, stronger than simile]

that locks me inside my cave,

freezes my body and

dampens my mind

until my thoughts

emerge soggy and flat.

 

-- Judi Van Gorder

 

I haven't written anything for a while so here is a rough draft from this morning. I am open to suggestions for improvement. Normally I work with a poem awhile before posting. This one is its raw self. ~~Tink Sorry, I am already slashing and dashing. Doesn't leave much.

Edited by waxwings

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi DC, I always feel my work is simple next to yours. You mystify vs my work has nothing mysterious or intriguing just what I see and feel. So to have you compliment my skill is very meaningful to me. Thank you.

 

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Nice to see you back Ike. I missed you. As usual you give me lots to think about. I am impressed with the movement of the verb to the beginning of the line... I so concentrate on strength at the end of a line that I often forget the importance of the word at the beginning of the line. This is a good leasson for me. I like changing the image in the last stanza from simile to metaphor... I see its value but I feel changing the first stanza from simile doesn't say what I want to say.

 

Thank you for such attention to detail. You don't just push me to grow as a writer you susinctly tell me how and why which I so appreciate. You are a valued mentor and friend.

 

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nice to see you back Ike. I missed you. As usual you give me lots to think about. I am impressed with the movement of the verb to the beginning of the line... I so concentrate on strength at the end of a line that I often forget the importance of the word at the beginning of the line. This is a good leasson for me. I like changing the image in the last stanza from simile to metaphor... I see its value but I feel changing the first stanza from simile doesn't say what I want to say.

 

Thank you for such attention to detail. You don't just push me to grow as a writer you susinctly tell me how and why which I so appreciate. You are a valued mentor and friend.

 

~~Tink

 

I did say that my thoughts could stand corrected subject to your intent. However, there is uncertainty in which of the anticedends: the limbs or the trees/trunks appear to you to do that could resemble dying. I enjoy the poem-within you have created, even w/o any revision, but that uncertainty did strike an off note. Would you mind explaining your reasoning/inner vision?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I did say that my thoughts could stand corrected subject to your intent. However, there is uncertainty in which of the anticedends: the limbs or the trees/trunks appear to you to do that could resemble dying. I enjoy the poem-within you have created, even w/o any revision, but that uncertainty did strike an off note. Would you mind explaining your reasoning/inner vision?

 

The trees are dormant not dead or dying, they just look that way. The leaves have all fallen away leaving just sticks but in the Spring they will once again have leaves and blossoms. That is why I say "as if"

 

~~Tink

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I did say that my thoughts could stand corrected subject to your intent. However, there is uncertainty in which of the anticedends: the limbs or the trees/trunks appear to you to do that could resemble dying. I enjoy the poem-within you have created, even w/o any revision, but that uncertainty did strike an off note. Would you mind explaining your reasoning/inner vision?

 

The trees are dormant not dead or dying, they just look that way. The leaves have all fallen away leaving just sticks but in the Spring they will once again have leaves and blossoms. That is why I say "as if"

 

~~Tink

 

I guess I feel that "dead or dying" is somehow too much, or it may be the way I see the verb jut, more suitable, methinks, to perhaps such as towers and spires. I could never think of tree limbs as reminiscent of things dying unless there was evidence of drying out or decaying.. If it was my poem, I'd have to add "almost" before the "as if", but I have no qualms accepting your take. We cannot insist on all of us to have the same poetic sensibility in every detail. But I am glad we have had this examination of each others proclivities.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now