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9 posts in this topic

Bombastic (rewrite putting line back and shifting some words)

 

Winter rain returns,

not on tiptoes

like silent snow-fairies

or dancing dominos kicking

in unison to the tune of Dancing in the Rain,

but with the ballistic

bounce of purple water balloons

dropped from a third story window.

 

Bombastic

 

Winter rain returns

not on tiptoes

like silent snow-fairies

or dancing dominos

kicking in unison,

to the tune of Dancing in the Rain, ------------ edited

 

but with the ballistic bounce

of purple water balloons

dropped from a third

story window.

------ Judi Van Gorder

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Hi Tink,

 

 

What wonderful imageries to delight the senses - sound, colors, movement. The references to "fairies" (snow-fairies) and "balloons" ( purple balloons) lend a lovely child-like element of fun.

 

Good use of alliterations : "dancing dominoes, ballistic bounce" enhance the cadence.

 

 

Vivid and enjoyable!

 

 

goldenlangur

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Thank you GL, Living in the mountains just off the coast of the Pacific Ocean we get a lot of heavy rain in the winter. It can get depressing because it seems nonstop. We average 82 inches a year, all dumped on us in about 2 1/2 months. January and February are the heaviest months. So I was just trying to have fun with my environment.

 

~~Tinker

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How true! We have had some winter rain recently, and it is indeed as you have described -- Bombastic. I like that the water balloons are purple. This one is compact and tight.

 

Tony

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Wonderful poem Tinker.

I love the expressions, and sound so interesting in this poem. Like some feeling with a face of boomerang:

Winter rain returns

 

Much enjoyed.

 

Aleksandra

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Hi Joel, Thank you for commenting. I value your opinion. Hi Tony, East coast, west coast, we are getting dumped on. Actually we have had sun for the last 2 days thankfully. Thank you aleks, You mention a line most other posters have ignored, believe it or not I worked and reworked it before I came up with that simple line. Syntax and sonics were my primary objectives when writing this poem. I am revising the poem to remove the line, "to the tune of Dancing in the Rain". It really adds nothing and just kind of lies flat for me. ~~Tink

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I remember this from long ago Tink. Perhaps the first poem of yours I ever commented on. Those 'B' s stayed in the mind.

 

Enjoyed the revisit

 

badge icon_biggrin.png

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Yes badge, I resurrected this, it's that time of year. ~~smile~~ Thanks for revisiting.

 

~~Tink

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