Tinker Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 Bombastic (rewrite) Winter rain returns, not on tiptoes like silent snow-fairies or dancing dominos kicking in unison, but with the ballistic bounce of purple water balloons dropped from a third story window. ~~Judi Van Gorder Bombastic Winter rain returns not on tiptoes like silent snow-fairies or dancing dominoskicking in unison,to the tune of Dancing in the Rain, ------------ edited but with the ballistic bounce of purple water balloons dropped from a third story window. ~~Judi Van Gorder Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 Hi Tink, What wonderful imageries to delight the senses - sound, colors, movement. The references to "fairies" (snow-fairies) and "balloons" ( purple balloons) lend a lovely child-like element of fun. Good use of alliterations : "dancing dominoes, ballistic bounce" enhance the cadence. Vivid and enjoyable! goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 Thank you GL, Living in the mountains just off the coast of the Pacific Ocean we get a lot of heavy rain in the winter. It can get depressing because it seems nonstop. We average 82 inches a year, all dumped on us in about 2 1/2 months. January and February are the heaviest months. So I was just trying to have fun with my environment. ~~Tinker Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I like the contrast 'tiptoes' versus 'ballistic bounce', Tink. Elegant. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 How true! We have had some winter rain recently, and it is indeed as you have described -- Bombastic. I like that the water balloons are purple. This one is compact and tight. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 Wonderful poem Tinker. I love the expressions, and sound so interesting in this poem. Like some feeling with a face of boomerang: Winter rain returns Much enjoyed. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 Hi Joel, Thank you for commenting. I value your opinion. Hi Tony, East coast, west coast, we are getting dumped on. Actually we have had sun for the last 2 days thankfully. Thank you aleks, You mention a line most other posters have ignored, believe it or not I worked and reworked it before I came up with that simple line. Syntax and sonics were my primary objectives when writing this poem. I am revising the poem to remove the line, "to the tune of Dancing in the Rain". It really adds nothing and just kind of lies flat for me. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I remember this from long ago Tink. Perhaps the first poem of yours I ever commented on. Those 'B' s stayed in the mind. Enjoyed the revisit badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 Yes badge, I resurrected this, it's that time of year. ~~smile~~ Thanks for revisiting. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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