eclipse Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 The cumbersome winds wore jackboots as I became an unsealed envelope, my deceased wife the letter seeking a reunion. Somehow we were the winds counting steps until they matched breaths taken in life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 Poignant, personal -- this one's very much to my liking. Nice work, Barry. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 The cumbersome winds wore jackboots as I became an unsealed envelope, my deceased wife's the letter seeking a reunion. Somehow we were the winds counting steps until they wedded breaths taken in life. Just some thoughts. enjoyed badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted November 22, 2016 Share Posted November 22, 2016 Barry, this piece contains an essence of poetry, which is the essence of human existence. In this case, it is the essence of loss, of being torn. And yet that rending action is never explicitly stated or described. Nice. Like badge, I am not quite satisfied with the diction and phrasing, though I differ with him (sorry, badge!) on the solution. I actually prefer the image of wife actually being the letter here, the narrator the envelope that contains it, presumably to assure delivery. It is an exquisite piece of irony and psychology that he is also the intended recipient. I want to internalize that action for a while, but that is what good poetry should do to a reader. This reader's wish? I would like a less contrived start to the poem. Adjectives can be treacherous, leading to a leaching of poetic power and appearing to be that favorite of the critics' targets, a "judgment." Worse, they can actually confuse or muddle a poem's meaning, which I believe is happening here with the use of "cumbersome." In what way are the winds cumbersome? To what activity do the winds belong that they are also encumbering? It also actually encumbers(!) the beginning action of the narrative and the language for this reader. I also would prefer that the narrator began the poem as an envelope, not "became" an envelope with the arrival of the jackbooted winds. None of that changes the fact that I enjoyed this poem. As usual. Thanks, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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