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  2. dr_con

    The Witches' Brew

    New word but with a nice pedigree;-) gleed gleed noun The definition of gleed is a glowing coal.
  3. Today
  4. Tinker

    The Witches' Brew

    Thanks Juris, Even with its flaws, I put a lot of work into this. I've fixed coven and made some other repairs spurred by A.B.'s comments which helped me see some needed corrections. (I don't have the time or energy to do a complete overhaul right now.) I am happy you noticed "gleed". I think I invented a new word and played with it for a while to find a better way, but just kept coming back to "gleed". Haha. ~~Tink
  5. dr_con

    The Witches' Brew

    I found this to be an amazing work Tinker, it indeed feels shakespearean a few general questions Conven as opposed to coven? Is that an older form? and, wow, 'gleed,' glad for the introduction! What a word! I'm cachinnating with glee! It occurs to me this could be about advertising... Ha! Many Thanks! And I truly appreciate your devotion to form and its discontents. Its a truly admirable ambition;-) DC&J
  6. dr_con

    /kyärəˈsk(y)o͝orō/

    I have: http://www.poetrymagnumopus.com/topic/5464-selfportrait-as-murder-mystery/ Enjoy and Once again, Much Gratitude for the inspiration! DC&J
  7. dr_con

    /kyärəˈsk(y)o͝orō/

    The Cliff Notes are available as Selfportrait as Murder Mystery! 😉 Thanks for commenting, I truly appreciate it, and I consider I To be a great critique, because its how it made you feel. TY!
  8. Tinker

    Awe

    Thanks Tsunami. ~~Tink
  9. Tinker

    The Witches' Brew

    Thank you A.B., This has my wheels turning. I do have a goal to write a poem in each form and genre I have documented in the Reference Section. It has been a random affair until the last year when I was introduced to a forum at another site that introduces a different form every week. Members of the group, make attempts at writing a poem using the chosen form. The leader of the group has used this site as one of his sources. I made a comment once, that since I wrote the example poem, I was skipping that week and since then he only chooses forms that I have not previously written an example poem for. He is very aware of my goal to write an example of each one. I've written a lot of example poems over the years but there are about 1400 documented which at 52 a year will have me working on this for years. Last Thursday's chosen form was the daunting Gemstone. 32 lines of prescribed meter and rhyme is a lot. Actually since there is no linking rhyme or refrain, I suggested to the group that though the inventor wrote and dictated 4 octaves, there really is no reason to do so. This form could be looked at as stanzaic, writing the poem in any number of stanzas from 1 on up. But I was trying to adhere to the original described form for example sake. (The lion's share of the invented forms have cropped up since the advent of the internet from amateur poets, many of whom just write a poem in a nonce pattern then give the structural pattern a name and post it for others to emulate. They are all over the web. Half the time they describe the elements incorrectly given the elements used in the poem that started it all. The one's I particularly cringe at are when not only is the frame prescribed but the inventor also requires some additional gimmick like, "mention a bug" or "include the name of a flower". But they are out there and people are using them. So I document as I find them, the forms and genres range from ancient, classic to contemporary, and invented. An now there are even cyber forms. I try to use the correct terms to describe the form so they make sense. Some of them are kind of fun like the Oddquain which another forum at the same site challenged last Monday. I wrote one in the playground because they are so fun to write. I've written others in the past. Back to my poem, I really do appreciate your commentary. I plan to come back to this when I have a little more time and see what I can do to improve the piece I've written. I don't intend to return to this particular form in the future, so I'd like the example to be a little more cohesive and your perspective already has me thinking. ~~Thanks again, Tink
  10. Tsunami

    Awe

    I really like the revision you pulled up, it reads and shows better cadence.
  11. Tsunami

    /kyärəˈsk(y)o͝orō/

    I love the fury of words you have placed here but it's all so scattered in your poem, I can't even imagine anyone trying to critique this. 😕
  12. Tsunami

    "Today I know that life is but a dream"

    This is an odd piece, also I expected it to be straight-forward but it has many curves, L1 is a good start but the rest slowly come to close and i like that in a poem, with a closed ending. I will give a critique tomorrow at a later time.
  13. A. Baez

    Cashmere

    Now that you mention "buttons," I'm getting the distinct sense that you are describing a woman pleasuring herself. It's a thought I'd lightly entertained even before, but it seemed too tenuous to seriously consider. In any case, it's a shame that you aren't inspired to bring your concept, whatever it is, into enough clarity so that your readers can be counted on to appreciate it. Now that I think I see what you're driving at, the idea is quite intriguing. A more suggestive title could actually be enough to shed the needed light. I knew by your comment to Tsunami that significant editing of this piece wasn't on your agenda, but I made the remarks I did because I could not think of any other way to comment, and we are all called to comment on each other's work in this forum. About rhymes, I believe sometimes they can sound forced even if they weren't--for example, if they result from a sort of automatic mental process that places sound as a paramount value. I believe that such easy slides are best corrected unless they happen to yield rhetorically powerful results.
  14. A. Baez

    Night Watchman

    Hi, Liz! No problem at all and many congratulations on your new book! I hope you'll post some info on it on your profile so we can look into it? I'd never had any idea there were any critique sites on LinkedIn! I had thought it was purely a job network site. (I do belong to it.) That's too bad those sites disappeared. There seems to be quite an ebb and flow in such sites, although Eratosphere seems to have remained quite stable for some time, and it looks like this site has been around for awhile, as well. You'd put the comma like this: "Literary Escape," but if you're in the US. If in Britain, you'd put it like this: "Literary Escape", but I'm not sure what the form is in other English-speaking countries! The British form, which many Americans use accidentally, actually makes more sense; I think the American form was adopted simply because it looks sleeker. I'm looking forward to seeing another poem of yours. I've posted a couple since we last talked. Best, A.
  15. A. Baez

    /kyärəˈsk(y)o͝orō/

    Dr. Con, go for it!
  16. A. Baez

    The Witches' Brew

    Tinker, yes, the form is really daunting and you deserve a lot of technical points for actually managing to check off all of its boxes in a way that is even basically coherent. Why are you compelled to stick to this verse form here? Is it part of a resolve to write a verse in each form you take on for study, or something along those lines, which I saw you allude to elsewhere? Anyway, I think the easiest way to improve clarity here while maintaining the form would be to take a look at some of the punctuation. I would strive to give it the same type of punctuation that one would if it were written as prose, not poetry. If you analyze it that way, I think you'll quickly see there would be a substantial number of differences. For example, I particularly stumbled over I could read this passage one of two ways, both of which require me to make some adjustments in both punctuation and wording in order for things to cohere logically: and listened showing [insert some substitute for "gleed restraint"--"gleed" actually means "glowing coal," and if you mean "gleeful," is restraint ever gleeful? And is the witches' behavior that you describe below really "restrained"?]to our petty thoughts absurd [this archaic verbal inversion does not add to clarity].They fueled our thoughts [how about some variation of "thoughts" so as not to repeat this word which you used above? "Them all" or "our minds," for example?] with poppycock. or [ditto bracketed notes above] and listened showing gleed restraint.Our petty thoughts absurdthey fueled [omit "our thoughts"] with poppycock. Incidentally, I noticed "coven" is written as "conven." The other single most noticeable overriding cause of my getting somewhat lost was that the three-way tie between the witches metaphor and the associated Macbeth metaphor and your contemporary moral admonishments were not made clear. In the first stanza, you present the witches out of context of the Macbeth play, in a contemporary setting that relates to us (presumably as archetypes), and once you introduce Macbeth later on, I'm not at all sure that these witches are in any way supposed to be related to the ones Macbeth saw in the play. In contrast, you present Macbeth wholly in the context of the original play. Furthermore, even scholars are in disagreement as to the role that the witches in Shakespeare's play actually had in inducing Macbeth to slide into error, directly or otherwise. [I just Googled this.] My impression is that the witches' cauldron brew quite possibly could have been toward another end altogether (the play leaves this an open question), and the witches' prophesies to Macbeth and Banquo about could be regarded as simple objective statements of future truths rather than calculated inducements toward Macbeth making those truths happen. You don't take an explicit stance in this question although gradually, you imply the latter, and you break from the play allusions altogether in stanza 2 up until the last line, in which you introduce Macbeth. These two factors create a double sense of disjuncture. In the last stanza, you again take a break from your extended metaphor up till the last line, creating a third disjuncture. Most importantly of all, your connection of Macbeth's errors with the contemporary ones you cite is very tenuous. Committing the murder of allies to gain power seems very different from forgetting to be grateful for each moment, getting consumed in petty troubles, and worrying that our latest costume will not be thought sublime. (I'm not even sure what you mean by this last one.) I actually think the idea of somehow tying either one or both of these interrelated metaphors into contemporary moral lessons is pretty intriguing. I believe it could work really powerfully if you were to free yourself from the reigns of the tyrannical Gemstone form! I do hope you try it out at some point and let us see the results.
  17. Yesterday
  18. dr_con

    David Parsley out of commission for a while

    hear! here! glad your home safe and in recovery
  19. dr_con

    Matins

    Just wow -- Just wow, listening to a weird studies episode on Sun Ra, and the theory of correspondences and here the implicit meaning is making the ordinary exactly the extra via the correspondances;-) wow just wow. TY
  20. Tinker

    Matins

    Hi Badge, I've read this several times, I always like to savor your work. It seems so effortless to me. I loved the way you elevate the morning ritual into something almost magical. Actually, reading this, I felt the ritual was a grounding for someone who may be is loosing her footing. Maybe early stage Altzheimer or just distracted and in need of connection to reality or simply someone who takes a long time to wake fully. It was just the impression I got from the switch from the ritual to swimming with mermaids. I can't explain why but I think the revision, putting the last two line at the beginning of the poem, gives more focus to the subject of the poem and ends the poem perfectly. Smart switch. I now have to tend to my own morning ritual and off to the office. Rereading this was a lovely way to begin my day. Thank you for another beautiful piece to ponder. ~~Judi
  21. Tinker

    "Today I know that life is but a dream"

    Hi A.B., It seems a bit of nostalgia is present here. I was curious what that moment was that took the narrator back to it. The piece has a lovely dream like quality. Lovely formal poetry. At first glance I thought it was a Curtal Sonnet. It is close enough to be a variation of the sonnet form with slightly different rhyme and stanza pattern and the last line is full pentameter instead of trimeter but it had the same feel to me. Tony, is our meter expert here, or at least he is my meter guru. I always learn something whenever he comments. I just wish it would stick in my brain for when I'm writing. I enjoyed reading this piece. I am thrilled to see formal works being posted here. Nice. ~~Tink
  22. badger11

    Matins

    Thank you Tony. Very much appreciate your reading, which threaded with my intentions, though I've edited to end with the life inside rather than outside. The routines of the workplace does have its comforts, but the life of adventure is always tempting😀 all the best Phil
  23. tonyv

    Matins

    Phil, gonna try here. From the title, I gather that it's after midnight, in the early morning hours. She is "drying." Perhaps she has bathed. She is trying to get through the night and is engaged in something repetitve, perhaps even something pleasurable. I don't think it's a Rosary prayer or a religious rite, because it is "like" the "choreography" of the barrelman's prayers. And cartography is work, routine, a "purpose" that maybe she should be focusing on, but instead she is fraternizing with mermaids, mythical creatures. From the last two lines I'm unsure whether the lingering effect of the waves is a good or bad thing. I want to conclude good, but the cumulus cloud could lead to more ominous ones ... Tony
  24. tonyv

    "Today I know that life is but a dream"

    As for the meter, L5 stuck out, but that's because I usually don't like anapests. Even so, they are acceptable in iambic pentameters which Frost characterized as "loose." Thus, the line conforms: Before, rash memories swirled up, eddying fast / beFORE / RASH ME / mo ries SWIRLED / UP ED / dy ing FAST / / iamb / spondee / anapest / spondee / anapest / The rhymes in this poem are not objectionable. I'm not familiar with the scheme, but I don't believe there needs to be a scheme. "Away," at the end of L9, is the outlier, but no big deal. It doesn't stand out if one is not looking for a rhyme scheme. Rhyme scheme is not the first thing I look for. I usually consider rhyme only after I've examined meter and content, and even then I don't put a lot of emphasis on it. You have the title in quotation marks which leads me to believe the poem itself is an allusion to another work. I searched a bit and found Lewis Carroll's "Life is but a Dream" and a nursery rhyme, neither of which I'm a fan, though I find the former less objectionable than the latter. Therefore, since I won't spend a lot of time googling more, or on the Carroll poem, I will proceed without the benefit of erudition. The poem begins with a question. While I'm okay with "but" in L1, "just" might be more suitable for the contemporary audience ... unless it's an allusion. The speaker knows "today" that life is just a dream which means she didn't realize this in the past. She calls that past "a moment ages past" and wonders how, other than in this dream called life, the moment could resurface, re-present itself on this "stream of being" (life? existence?) and persist unhindered ("sliding freely in its churn"). The "moment ages past" is archaic, but I'm okay with archaic. By now, I'm looking to learn more about the nature of this powerful moment. What could it be? So, in the past, impulsive memories presented themselves, built up, and went against the grain. Of what, I'm not sure. Life (the river metaphor)? Toggle back to the present ("hours return to present tense unrippling"?), but you've lost me there. "It would seem" seems thrown in for the rhyme; in L1 the speaker knows, but here in L7, she's unsure. I could infer that the speaker is second guessing herself because she makes it a point to say that she "deems" it a fact, but I'm really not sure what "this" is. I like words like "forthwith," but then again, I've spent a lot of time reading statutes, legal briefs, and court orders with all their herebys, therefores, and forthwiths. I think a lot of readers would consider it unpoetic, but it's a fine word. The speaker is the oarsman on this river of life, and she's a bit uptight. Did I get that part right? Probably the most striking word in this poem and somehow fitting. Does it refer to the shoreline forests, the hull, or the boat? And I'm still, wondering what "this" "moment" was/is ... Somehow, strangely, the overall message of this poem reminds me of my own poem "Rim" from ages past ... from long, long ago. NOW THEREFORE, insofar as "forthwith" is concerned (throwing in some legalese just for fun there), carry on. SO ORDERED. /s/ Tony
  25. dr_con

    Selfportrait as Murder Mystery

    This is meant as a bit of fun! It is not meant to offend - I was struck by Baez's comments on /kyärəˈsk(y)o͝orō/ and realized how it really didn't bother me, rather, I found it inspirational and deserving of the kind of bardic smackdown poets are wont to do;-) Many Thanks for the inspiration! Had a great deal of fun composing this. Dr. Con
  26. Selfportrait as Murder Mystery A Multimedia Poem in 3 Acts Act 1 (Inciting Incident) “Why the introduction of the raven / where there had been crows?” - Media: Found Poetry A. Baez / Doc Concrescence Authors Where did he go? Inspector Raven asked as he shooed away the murder of crows leaving an absence where a Crime should be The truth is he said people always expect it to go god god god god what have I done all nice and 4/4 isn’t it? more likely ¾ like red red red stab red red red hit red red red push red red red poison red red red whack That’s more the way of it truth is you walk up to the scene and it’s a right mess blood everywhere or eerily absent and you wake up one day and the You that loved rhythm and form has scampered left without a forwarding address or a by-your-leave sometimes driven by passion a breakup or a birth or even a death you think the Other killed part of you never to return but they just took their part the silly third the created character when you and me always creates 3 little like a Reader and a Writer create the Book he said as he scratched his feathered brow beneath the moss-colored hat Without either it doesn’t exist don’t it? except as a doorstop or an agg -- regation of atoms maybe photons or whatever the kids create and cleave these days but more often and if I’m wrong I swear I’ll go self-carrion and eat my own flesh slowly over Time until naught is left but dust and rags like the Old Scarecrow over there right by the unexpected line break He goes on on on and on getting the gist after all he did but digress his charnel-house-chatter dismissed nothing at all a stream - of - consciousness signifying what? a monologue predictable and dull like awakening and still being alive I should take over: the question that needs answering I said is How did he do it? a disappearance of absence of kidnap of murder of misidentification of a fundamental lack of not poetry but a description of outrage of crime of - - of narrative structure a motif a thematic plot Self as beginning-middle-end We have a Witness he said who says they saw it as more a topology whose texture is driven by trope Nah that’s not it That’s why you’ll never be more than a Sergeant Inspector Raven said You don’t even know what you’re looking for using big words like that means something when really you’re Lost lost lost lost (loop) /lôst,läst//lôst,läst//lôst,läst//lôst,läst/ Act 2 (Identity & Essence) “I think you'd be able to get away with it better if there were more clarity ensuing. But why the phonetical constructions, anyway?” - Media: Discourse/Critique A . Baez. Dr. Con authors back again back back to the swoosh of the real never to be represented adequately except as Art by its very nature creates IT (the representation of the window opening past midnight in the over/over/cast dark redolent of The Mystery CRICK CREEK CRAW will never fully capture the see-saw trill Mrs.Crow’s Heart made when occupied in her aptly cast role as Enforcer & Spy saw the goat legged Abyss stare back at her from the mist draped hedgerow What was she doing You might rightly ask middle of the night What time do you call This? O’clock hoping to capture a tryst a sordid affair a witness of a presenting of evidence a Uh knew he was up to na’good a story a piece of gossip she could barter for a satisfying once and for always Explanation! and although the house formerly a museum had stood empty for many many many many years (Too many! unless you meant ⅘) she looked to a Me who was too long long gone to provide it) I once was a victim I sd didn’t know I spoke and thought recklessly ‘til it was pointed out You have an unusual way of saying things like you’re smarter than us she sd /Reference The Black Mountain School for contraction of said although I’m doing It all wrong and NO I’m not going to call on LANGUAGE poets to defend myself/ Your Honor I sd I didn’t understand the context It wasn’t my intention to hurt anyone’s feelings it's just the way I translate Silence SILENCE he sd What does that have to do with the case in question? Or the preposition of You and Me? Not I? I sd. at depth and at length To summarize the prosecution's case in one sentence: Is the subject subject to the objectification of its nature as object? I mean you might as well ask Transubstantiation anyone? Act 3 (Climax/Lives transformed) “The very specific, personal mental associations that you have, and that you undoubtedly take for granted, may not feel at all natural to a reader, who may well come to the page with a very different range of life experiences. ” Media: Photograph -- Paint -- Print -- Fair Use -- Perspective -- Reflection -- Selfie Juris Ahn artist To summarize the Defense: On day 2 of the sesshin Roshi told us If you find yourself with legs cramping tempted to break silence frustrated remember you’re doing this to yourself You chose to be here. OR As Robert Creeley said to the class (Name drop much? Have no idea why I put up with this pretentious REDACTED all the way to the end) about a piece I’d written “Is it Poetry?” Remembering this now from the dead eyes gazing at me from the bottom/left of the frame the only reasonable answer NO it was Murder!
  27. Last week
  28. tonyv

    Cashmere

    A. Baez, Yes, I've tried to find another word. I mean "buttons," but I don't like "buttons." I considered "dials," but that's not right either. Contemplating a change of expression (or I might just leave it the way it is). This goes to the metaphor that so far no one has picked up on. Re: abound, I disagree, but maybe that's because I didn't intend to force a rhyme. For example, I throw in cliches from time to time, but those are always intentional. No, it's actually more along the lines of "fancied by others." All of this goes again to the metaphor which no one has picked up on so far since "knobs." I was not aware of a shift in tone, formal or otherwise. I don't see it. That won't be happening. As I mentioned to Tsunami in a reply above, this poem is substantially finished. But I do appreciate your thoughts, time, and input. Tony
  29. Liz Mastin

    Night Watchman

    So sorry this reply is so late A. Baez. Yes l found eratosphere a few years ago, but haven't visited the site just lately. I also have belonged to some very active critique sites on LinkedIn, one being "Literary Escape" but they gradually seemed to disappear, so l was so happy to find "this" site! I just finished my first book of poetry, and am taking a deep breath for a minute, but l know l still have so much to learn. Correct punctuation is important and a wider vocabulary is always a hoped for goal. I will try to post another form poem tomorrow, A. Hope you will post one of your poems soon as well! Question: after "literary escape"....the comma goes where? Thank you, Liz
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