Tarheels

[RHommel]

Tarheels

 

Carolina ways

are different from back home.

Sweet tea and church folk,

unspoken segregation;

the color of tar is white.

 

~Rachel J. Hommel

[waxwings]

Tarheels

 

Carolina ways

are different from back home.

Sweet tea and church folk,

unspoken segregation;

the color of tar is white.

 

~Rachel J. Hommel

 

I am enjoying the oh so different metrics. Sweet poem, but is the syllable-per-line-count supposed to make this tanka-like?

 

And I'd love to see the semi-colon replaced by something else, because the last line is a good but stand-alone statement that underlines what the previous line-pair says w/o being a parallel amplification of it.

[RHommel]

Sweet poem, but is the syllable-per-line-count supposed to make this tanka-like?

 

And I'd love to see the semi-colon replaced by something else, because the last line is a good but stand-alone statement that underlines what the previous line-pair says w/o being a parallel amplification of it.

 

Hey there, waxwings!

 

Thanks for noticing its tanka similarities... In answer to your question: yes, before learning as much as I have about the tanka form here, I was issued a tanka-a-day challenge (for 30 days). I realize now the error of my ways in only using syllable count and other vague interpretations, but I still like this poem. As for the semi-colon replacement, I'm open to suggestions... what were you thinking? I'm rather random when it comes to punctuation and I end up punctuating everything like I speak, which isn't always a great thing (too many commas and other weird stuff abound!). Thanks for your thoughtful words... much appreciated!

 

~Rachel

[Lake]

Hi Rachel,

 

The title grabbed my attention, I got to google it to get to learn that it is people from North Carolina. Never knew this before. I think the last two lines wrapped up the poem well, sending a strong message straight across - sweet tea and church folk are only on the surface, the discrimination still exists. "the color of tar is white", great line.

 

Enjoyed

 

Lake

[waxwings]

Sweet poem, but is the syllable-per-line-count supposed to make this tanka-like?

 

And I'd love to see the semi-colon replaced by something else, because the last line is a good but stand-alone statement that underlines what the previous line-pair says w/o being a parallel amplification of it.

 

Hey there, waxwings!

 

Thanks for noticing its tanka similarities... In answer to your question: yes, before learning as much as I have about the tanka form here, I was issued a tanka-a-day challenge (for 30 days). I realize now the error of my ways in only using syllable count and other vague interpretations, but I still like this poem. As for the semi-colon replacement, I'm open to suggestions... what were you thinking? I'm rather random when it comes to punctuation and I end up punctuating everything like I speak, which isn't always a great thing (too many commas and other weird stuff abound!). Thanks for your thoughtful words... much appreciated!

 

~Rachel

 

You may benefit from having a style manual. I believe that a poem, no matter how attractive and accomplished in verbal and semantic terms can be elevated by having the most appropriate, per current usage, punctuation marks, while, at the same time, trying to use the minimal amount, enoug to ensure separation of the distinct images and concepts. I am not supposed to do much of this type of analysis in this section, and, admittedly, it does take a lot of space when the difference in nuances turns out to be semantically complex. I can use a PM if you are interested further.

Edited August 14, 2010 by waxwings

[tonyv]

I like this "Tarheels" poem, Rachel. Even in a tanka form, its flavor and concepts are distinctly American. You must have ventured from the Beaver State to the Tar Heel State when you wrote this. I get a sense of travel and a bit of wanderlust when I read it.

 

You may benefit from having a style manual. I believe that a poem, no matter how attractive and accomplished in verbal and semantic terms can be elevated by having the most appropriate, per current usage, punctuation marks, while, at the same time, trying to use the minimal amount, enoug toe nsure separation of the disrinct images and concepts. I am not supposed to do much of this type of analysis in this section, and, admittedly, it does take alot of space when the difference in nuances turns out to be semantically complex. I canuse a PM if you are interested further.

[emphasis mine]

 

It's not so much a matter of space, Ikars. I do like how you've expressed this, and I even tend to agree. Many of my own poems have been significantly improved when I've taken your suggestions, especially when it comes to punctuation. But I also like how, here, you've qualified your statement as a belief, an opinion of sorts. There's nothing wrong with this type of discussion in this forum if it's friendly and the member whose poem it is appears receptive. I certainly welcome all your critical input on my own poems, and Rachel seems to welcome it also, but I can't ever be sure ... unless the poem is in the workshop or has (CA) in the title line. Even upon reading something like what Rachel wrote above -- "As for the semi-colon replacement, I'm open to suggestions... what were you thinking? ... Thanks for your thoughtful words... much appreciated!" -- can it be presumed that she wants to revise this poem or every poem she posts? Unless she tells us differently, as you have, repeatedly, when you tell us to "rip your poems apart", we should err on the side of caution. I welcome all input, Rachel might welcome all such input, but I do get complaints from members from time to time. Here Rachel is using punctuation. The discussion seems appropriate. But when a member is not even using punctuation, has never taken any suggestions about punctuation, is clearly writing in an experimental style (his own!), and has stated in so many words that he's content with the direction of his verse, it can come across as condescending when opinions (even widely held ones) on punctuation and form continue to be proffered and set forth as facts each time the member posts a poem. It's not my intention to muzzle anybody. I'm simply asking that if a member has gently implied, "Thanks, but no thanks. I'm all set!" that other members tone it down a bit and respect that part. He's not wrong; he has his own opinion on what constitutes poetry. It's a delicate balance, and I'm just trying to do what I can to maintain it. I don't want anybody to be unhappy or hesitant to post for fear of being ministered unto.

 

Rachel, I enjoyed the Americana. And thanks for tolerating the little side discussion here in your topic.

 

Tony

[RHommel]

You must have ventured from the Beaver State to the Tar Heel State when you wrote this. I get a sense of travel and a bit of wanderlust when I read it.

 

Hi Tony,

 

I had to ask someone if I live in the "Beaver state". I have only lived here for a little more than three years and not being a sports fan didn't make the connection right away. I was visiting family in North Carolina last November when I wrote this.

 

Your intuition about wanderlust is right on target. I have moved an average of once per year for the 37 years I've been alive, across six different states - Atlantic, Pacific and Gulf coasts... and in between I have done quite a bit of travel, though by my family's standards it's not much at all. My younger sister has lived in seven different countries in the last fifteen years. My nephew is five and has already lived in three different countries. And my mother is still keeping up her one move per year average at the age of 60... I guess "wanderlust" runs in the family. :)

 

Rachel, I enjoyed the Americana. And thanks for tolerating the little side discussion here in your topic.

 

Thank you, Tony. I adore watching the discussions that spring forth from this community and I most certainly appreciate your careful guidance of all of us.

 

~Rachel

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

hi rachel i enjoyed your honest poem. i grew up in a whitecommunity and sometimes that reflectsin my writings. i think everything is poetic. mayube it is not all considered poetry tho. i know thisbis a poem. to me it is a melody filled poem that speaks of my youth and honest observations ofa era that is fading . you are correct that know one is completely stained free regardless of greed or race.

 

i enjoyed.

 

i have traveled all over the United States been to over 33 states. most of the traveling was in my youth. intodays economics what my parents acheived andaccomplished with four kids i couldnt do alone even with more money. i love mount sain helen's my second favorite placeon earth. only reason oregon and washington mountain springs and creeks and apple orchids is not my favorite is because i love the beach a city in the gulf of meico naples florida is my favorite place. i could write a 1000 volumes on my family travels of my youth.

 

 

victor

Edited August 9, 2010 by Larsen M. Callirhoe

[RHommel]

hi rachel i enjoyed your honest poem. i grew up in a whitecommunity and sometimes that reflectsin my writings. i think everything is poetic. mayube it is not all considered poetry tho. i know thisbis a poem. to me it is a melody filled poem that speaks of my youth and honest observations ofa era that is fading . you are correct that know one is completely stained free regardless of greed or race.

 

i enjoyed.

 

i have traveled all over the United States been to over 33 states. most of the traveling was in my youth. intodays economics what my parents acheived andaccomplished with four kids i couldnt do alone even with more money. i love mount sain helen's my second favorite placeon earth. only reason oregon and washington mountain springs and creeks and apple orchids is not my favorite is because i love the beach a city in the gulf of meico naples florida is my favorite place. i could write a 1000 volumes on my family travels of my youth.

 

 

victor

 

Thanks, Victor.

 

I grew up in white community like this too, with a mixed race family. It was... ummm... interesting. To say the least. And it definitely is reflected in my writing, which is just an extension of who I am. I think that's true for everyone I have gotten to know here... we can't NOT write, eh? :)

 

I've been having a rough week, lots more going on than usual. I am going to comment a bit and maybe post one more piece tonight, but my participation will be light for a while until things calm down a bit here.

 

~Rachel

[waxwings]

It seems superfluous to say I think very highly how tonyv heads up this forum. I wonder why any poet here hesitates to speak up when they do not welcome honest and un-biased comments regarding points widely known to bear of the level of excellence of a given poem. I certainly would not hold it against them for I certainly am no ultimate authority but try to do the best I know. Besides, learn a lot about writing better from what others have to say.

 

Otherwise, what it comes down to is that I now feel totally unable to participate wholeheartedly in response to poems posted in this section by members other than those who have made confirming responses, including those berating me for misconstruing their intention and desire. I welcome all to argue vehemently against my opinions if that is called for.

 

Fact is this forum may need another section for poems whose author does not care for any analytical comment. The section Workshop? specifically meant for a more thorough analysis seems to be underpopulated, while the Overflow? section has too large a portion of poems that need a lot more work, to do which would require more effort and time than can be mustered outside a real live classroom where a comment does not have to be repeated for poems that show same craft-point deficiencies.

 

This post is to let ALL know that I find tonyv's comments re my conduct entirely in order.

Edited August 14, 2010 by waxwings

[Aleksandra]

Rachel, this is wonderful poem, written in a perfect language. The metaphor works as well. Strong expressions and well crafted point.

 

Aleksandra