tonyv Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I like to hear the clicking of the keys. Her fingers tap out letters to form words, words in rhythm. She sighs. We do not speak. I'm staring out the window at the sky, its cotton candy hues becoming soot. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) I had to google 'cotton candy', but it perfectly paints the color, the colours dissolving. I enjoyed that transition from sound to silence too. I guess there is a limit to how we can shape a moment before time keys in with a taste of reality. compact, but fluid writing Tony badge Edited October 31, 2010 by badger11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 I like to hear the clicking of the keys;her fingers tap out letters to form words, words in rhythm. She sighs. We do not speak. I'm staring out the window at the sky, its cotton candy hues becoming soot. A little gem, Tony. Delicate, reflective and what a twist in your final line: its cotton candy hues becoming soot I read it is how thoughts and perceptions shift - from the focus on her at the keys creating words to the larger physical and creative space - the sky outside the window. Wonderfully rendered and a pleasure to read. :D Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted October 31, 2010 Share Posted October 31, 2010 Agree with all of the above- a spectacular compact piece- A keenly observed moment, made infinite by your piercing, cupping of it;-) Hyperbolic praise? Maybe, but true. Many Thanks, DC&J Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 Tony, this is short but not less attractive poem. Interesting mix of modern and then universal writing. I can imagine you staring out of the window and looking at the sky. This must be written at the same moment of absorbing the beauty of the sky? Direct inspiration, I guess, and feel also. Sorry if I am wrong. Wonderful poem, and the last line couldn't be better. I enjoyed this poem, a lot. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rumisong Posted November 1, 2010 Share Posted November 1, 2010 I like to hear the clicking of the keys;her fingers tap out letters to form words, words in rhythm. She sighs. We do not speak. I'm staring out the window at the sky, its cotton candy hues becoming soot. just noticing what my brain is doing with this-- 1st it says "oh, I really like the feel of this" -- reminds me of a Hopper Painting then, I see my brain group the lines line one is wonderful, but stands alone for me lines two and three are wonderful, but seem a "distance" (in time I think) from line one- because, I guess, clicking keys is one movement- then tapping fingers is another, and so she must have put down the keys and started tapping fingers-- thus, a jump that I wish was included (this is just what my silly brain is doing-- lets both pay it no mind) and then, lines four and five tell me what you were doing while she was creating this sort of impatient energy of the tapping and the sigh, and you seem to be "handling" it well to start with by noticing the beauty of a sky, but then that sky starts to remind you back of her impatience, by moving the light back to "soot"-- and I loved the way this was said-- lines four and five go with two and three just beautifully-- line one, as much as I love the way it is written just the way it is, my brain says doesn't belong somehow-is not connected up in time-- clicking-keys, then tapping fingers... nice to look at and happy to look again later, to see if my brain is still being too literal with it... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waxwings Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Very, very nice and fluid. Agree w/rumisong about the first line being a most satifactory and complete statement. The semicolon does nothing, because the line is end-stopped naturallyand is strong enough to deserve a period.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted November 4, 2010 Share Posted November 4, 2010 Hi Tony, This flows very smoothly. There's a contrast of images in the last line - cotton candy and soot. It evokes the sense of seeing either the time change or the environmental change. Lovely, Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 I had to google 'cotton candy', but it perfectly paints the color, the colours dissolving. I enjoyed that transition from sound to silence too. I guess there is a limit to how we can shape a moment before time keys in with a taste of reality. compact, but fluid writing Tony badge Never had cotton candy, Badge!?! You'll have to come during a carnival, and we'll get some.:) I hadn't even considered sound to silence. I'm pleased that you've detected and pointed out the effect. Thank you very much for your kind comments and astute observations. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 A little gem, Tony. Delicate, reflective and what a twist in your final line: its cotton candy hues becoming soot I read it is how thoughts and perceptions shift - from the focus on her at the keys creating words to the larger physical and creative space - the sky outside the window. Wonderfully rendered and a pleasure to read. :D And thank you, Goldenlangur! The physical and creative space outside the window ... I wonder if it's big enough for the two of them. Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 Agree with all of the above- a spectacular compact piece- A keenly observed moment, made infinite by your piercing, cupping of it;-) Hyperbolic praise? Maybe, but true. Many Thanks, DC&J Made infinite! :D Thank you, Juris. I'm glad I was able to capture the moment. I was afraid when I posted this one that it wasn't exactly memorable. But now that I've seen all the favorable replies, I'm glad that I didn't just shelf it. And I'm a sucker for hyperbolic praise, too! :)) Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 Tony, this is short but not less attractive poem. Interesting mix of modern and then universal writing. I can imagine you staring out of the window and looking at the sky. This must be written at the same moment of absorbing the beauty of the sky? Direct inspiration, I guess, and feel also. Sorry if I am wrong. Wonderful poem, and the last line couldn't be better. I enjoyed this poem, a lot. Aleksandra Ah, don't pretend, Alek. You're well aware of the circumstances surrounding this poem's creation. Thank you, as always, for your support. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 just noticing what my brain is doing with this-- 1st it says "oh, I really like the feel of this" -- reminds me of a Hopper Painting then, I see my brain group the lines line one is wonderful, but stands alone for me lines two and three are wonderful, but seem a "distance" (in time I think) from line one- because, I guess, clicking keys is one movement- then tapping fingers is another, and so she must have put down the keys and started tapping fingers-- thus, a jump that I wish was included (this is just what my silly brain is doing-- lets both pay it no mind) ... line one, as much as I love the way it is written just the way it is, my brain says doesn't belong somehow-is not connected up in time-- clicking-keys, then tapping fingers... Hmmm ... A Hopper painitng. I like that, Rumisong! But allow me to clarify re the clicking of the keys: I'm referring to the keyboard. ;) I hope that helps tie things together. and then, lines four and five tell me what you were doing while she was creating this sort of impatient energy of the tapping and the sigh, and you seem to be "handling" it well to start with by noticing the beauty of a sky, but then that sky starts to remind you back of her impatience, by moving the light back to "soot"-- and I loved the way this was said-- lines four and five go with two and three just beautifully-- nice to look at and happy to look again later, to see if my brain is still being too literal with it... I like your take on the impatient energy. There was some of that in the mix. And no, I don't think your brain was being too literal. We all form our own associations when we take in a work of art. Thanks for taking your own close look. Tony :) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 Very, very nice and fluid. Agree w/rumisong about the first line being a most satifactory and complete statement. The semicolon does nothing, because the line is end-stopped naturallyand is strong enough to deserve a period.. Thanks, Ike. Many of my poems have been improved after I've applied your suggestions, and I think this is one them. I've replaced the semicolon in L1 with a period. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 4, 2010 Author Share Posted November 4, 2010 Hi Tony, This flows very smoothly. There's a contrast of images in the last line - cotton candy and soot. It evokes the sense of seeing either the time change or the environmental change. Lovely, Lake Thanks, Lake. Picture the cotton candy becoming dirty, eventually not visible at all. Perhaps in this one the environment is the vehicle for illustrating a change in time. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rumisong Posted November 5, 2010 Share Posted November 5, 2010 (edited) Hmmm ... A Hopper painitng. I like that, Rumisong! But allow me to clarify re the clicking of the keys: I'm referring to the keyboard. ;) I hope that helps tie things together. Tony :) DUH! that ties it in completely! duh! how funny-- as soon as the Hopper thing came in, my brain was stuck on that time period- and keys had to be the standard door kind (typewriter keys probably didnt enter my picture because they "Klack" or "hammer" or "tapity-tap", but not that nice and dainty "clicking" of a computer keyboard, right?) and so, since computers werent around then, then the fingers were making words simply by tracing a table or a bar or something, and thus the impatience... but yeah, now-- its all tied in and different-- oh, you child of the 80's you (hehe) you and your new-fangled contraptions! thanks T, its a really great work.... Edward Hopper, Room in New York 1932 Edited November 5, 2010 by rumisong Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted November 7, 2010 Author Share Posted November 7, 2010 Thanks, Rumisong I like the picture. It does seem to capture the precise sentiment. :) Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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