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Poetry Magnum Opus

PDgb

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  1. In my hate, I have not written that word that is the angry butt of a cigerette, choking, clutched in hands to young to hold but old enough to break, at the wrinkled gaze of the snow and rain, that filled, then overflowed and drenched my heart and eyes see very little in the fog ahead. My tearing windows are trying desperately to hold their place. My chest is set. My hands are hard. They have been this way, And will be, for quite some time now.
  2. in this forest by this river

    I appreciate the fact that you can continue a nice, flowing line for this long but I have to say you kind of lost me. Without verses to dictate some kind of topical progression, it is tough to see if this poem is going anywhere. I have no doubt that you had intentions for this poem but you have to understand that when you continue on a poem this long, the point and message are lost in the noise. Also, the first and last line aren't hook lines. This poem could be strengthened greatly by the addition of some punch lines at the beginning or end of this poem. Just some thoughts, you may take them as you will.
  3. Guam

    You probably intended this, but when I think of Guam, as a history buff, I think of world war II. This characterized, for me personally, the effect of WWII on the pacific area, in terms of not just people but also the land itself. I agree with Tony as well, this poem almost has that choppy, profound line structure found in Haikus. Thank you for gracing us with this offering.
  4. The Ghost Of The Seashore

    I think this poem is probably a metaphor for a loss. I guess I was trying to express how I felt after such a loss and I did that by creating this image of the seashore. I think the idea of waves going in and out has some metaphorical value in the image as well. Kind of some subtle back tones if you will. Thanks for the comment.
  5. I have to chase that girl She has the sea on her heels And the wind in her black hair The blue sky is pooling in her eyes And her laugh is the music of the river So I jump from my perch And hit the ground running, without restraint Desperately I push through the crowd But I find no sign of her passing Brokenhearted I return to my balcony And there she stands, beautifully Faithfully brightening my room with her touch “Been here the whole time”, her look says She stares out to sea for a bit, pondering Then she turns to smile at me, joyfully Grinning because I didn’t see her And that smile lights up my world She kisses me in her way, softly So I close my eyes like I always do And when I open them, she’s gone Like she’s been for quite some time now Note For Reader: I prefer honesty over flattery, I want nothing but your honest opinion of my work. If you don't like it, don't understand it, or don't think it is relevant, then tell me. I promise not to get offended. I want to become a better poet, not a better receiver of empty flattery. Thank you for your time in commenting and your honesty as you do so.
  6. Four Fish

    This is a bit of a rant. That isn't necessarily wrong but you have to regulate your emotions on matters. On one hand poetry has quite a bit of emotion but on the other hand it cannot be let to run wild. A healthy middle will keep you balanced. On that note this poem benefits greatly from condensation I think. Also the overuse of question marks encourages the reader to not take you seriously. Make your statements and questions deliberate and you will find the words ask the question without needing punctuation. Also, as you continue to think about and edit this, consider the bigger picture. How can you relate this environmental struggle to greater philosophical truths? Continue to ask that and you can't go wrong.
  7. unidentified

    This actually isn't bad as is, I think. I would say, however, that line 2 looks a little off. Perhaps a shift in wording or something to bring it into alignment. On the other hand the last line was very punchy and well done. I liked that part of the poem best.
  8. 15-Minute Break

    This is another stellar poem from one of my favorite authors on this site. I loved the imagery, you seem to have well mastered the art of concrete imagery. A small suggestion if I may. The use of question marks in your work, while perhaps being technically necessary, does not lend itself well to the strength of your poem. For me at least, your lines become stronger when large punctuation such as question marks or exclamation points is left out. Just a thought, I enjoyed this read.
  9. The Dare

    Madame Princess, your poet is here! With a clang and a gong A dead silent song Is whispered Through corridors short and stubby In the tradition of spontaneity We attempt to cover our nudity With opaque glass walls and jaws As two quarters cry Ay! We buck splattered bales of hay Listening as the absurdity tells of How we live under trampoline spells That mock us from square domes of rock And with this final wrong I can see I have entertained for too long The notion of “oops I forgot” With one final adieu I present this poem to you One small fat serious joke Because on the day you spoke You dared me So I wrote
  10. pain consumes

    Strong emotional assault here. The reader is absolutely bombarded by it. I liked the strength of the last verse. You might try to work a little more concrete imagery into the first verse. Just a thought.
  11. Budget Day

    I like the sarcastic and cold humor. Made me laugh. This poem was extremely concrete. Not a ton of direct feelings, although you communicated those with your imagery, as is the preferred way. Good line breaks as well, to pound in the point. Overall this was a well done piece.
  12. Walker

    Noonday sun burns the back of the land Dusty columns whirl round A weathered coat flaps in the wind As a silver dollar rolls slowly Into the unclean hand Of The Badman Twice boom the silver messengers Shattering wood, life force As the tumbleweed rolls, flowers of red Drip slowly, painting the cracked boards With the color of justice A look of disgust, a swift turn On shining boots and The Walker strides off into the sun Victory accomplished, his day One
  13. Yacht Club, Sunday Night, 2am

    You can see it...every inch of this scene is visible to the reader. Nice imagery and great flow send this poem nicely on its way into the readers mind. An interesting scene to think about. It has quite a bit of philosophical value to it actually. It makes you think about greed and what intoxicates humanity as a whole. Nicely done.
  14. Write me a love song...

    Hey look I know this person. Hope you are enjoying this new forum. I know I am. I liked this poem a lot. Not as concrete as I'm used to enjoying but your flow and rhythm were so perfect it didn't matter. I especially liked the "I dos" scattered throughout. Very powerful indeed.
  15. Reverie

    This work flows so nicely, charting a curving, loping path through the reader's experience. It is a simple design, of few words, and the poem is stronger for it. I also echo Franklin's comment. This work feels old and sure, a reminisance of the best kind. Well done.
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