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Poetry Magnum Opus

JoelJosol

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  1. That Seemed Good

    He found me wandering in Quiapo and offered to take me home. That seemed good. He said, 'You need a good bath to remove all that grease off your body.' He led me into a room where there was water and a bucket. He cleaned me up with soap. His hands polished parts of me to his satisfaction. He led me to a bed and said, 'You need rest.' That seemed good. He laid me down. My hair still wet. He said, 'I will take care of you' as he undressed. First, he let go of the pants then underwear, dropping them on the floor. I watched him get close to me, his weight pressing heavily. Then, he got up. Leaving a twenty-peso bill he told me, 'Buy yourself some candy.' That seemed good. In the light of the HW scandal in the media, I thought I would share an old poem of mine that resonates with the times.
  2. Robert Burns dreamscape poem

    I like the mythic quality of the lyrical narrative, and its musicality. With the suggested edits, this should go a lot better.
  3. Doorstep

    Hi Judi, thanks for the read and appreciation. I intentionally made the poem simple and hide the punch line until the end to bring home and share the pain. My friend's mom was already buried today.
  4. Reading Simenon in August

    Some poems are called fragments. Sometimes when they are put together, the linkage is not evident. You just enjoyed it for its musicality and fragmented images. For me, that's enough. I liked it for being fragemented :-)
  5. By the Hunter's Moon

    TInker, I know this poem is still in progress. I am trying to read your thoughts, to figure out between the versions, the choice of diction, the imagery being described. The heart of your poem actually starts from the second stanza. Maybe your mind is not yet set how you want to tell the story whether as an emotion-less observer or like someone-in-the-midst of things. In other words, the point of view or persona. If I may suggest, you may want to play on the sound of the loud speakers, popping country tunes, human body animation, versus the second popping heard, human body animation (falling), and zoom in with one scene and re-create surprise or shock if the persona is I-am-here POV. Just some thoughts to figure out how you want to say your piece.
  6. Doorstep

    I was at your doorstep the other day Knocking gently at your wooden door. There was only silence. I just had to knock a little louder each time Maybe you are in some corner of this house. But nothing happened. The dark clouds caught up with me and the rain poured. Now, I am all wet and dripping. All I want is to break the news- You know my mom, she died today. (A poem for a friend who lost his mom and called me up in the wee hours of the morning.)
  7. A Magazine

    David, improving a poem never ends. I will look into your suggestion and come back to this poem. Thanks too.
  8. Belshazzar

    shadows on the river- marching army trounces the full-moon. on the gate, moon lits the boots of thousand soldiers. from the throne, host-king falls over meat and wine. Trying my hand with haiku :-)
  9. First Responder

    Tinker, my poem "Of dust, paper, and steel" celebrates them too in the lines where I refer to them as "the brave" "Here, the brave races to a black door, to enter into white, undefined spaces where no sound escapes, no colors are seen, no memories of black smoke and the weight of onrushing ground." Thanks for the education on the forms.
  10. church bells

    Terry, take it as a recommendation and not an imposition. I apologize if it sounded like one. I also have copies of Basho, Buson, and Issa with English translations. I have also read about the flexibility of the Japanese language for haiku compared to English. In fact, some advocate an equivalent 3-5-3 English versions factoring in the difference of the languages in generating meaning. In fact, I don't follow rigidly the 5-7-5 format. I think I could even improve my original suggestion by following the 3-5-3 format Bells ring loud, Sunlight flashes on empty pews. One article wrote below "In languages such as English and its relatives whose grammars are heavily dependent on word order, haiku must and will take a much different form from that in Japanese. By concerning ourselves too much with the outward form of haiku, we can lose sight of its essence." Have a nice day, Terry.
  11. First Responder

    This is a nice example of a list poem for me but the way your lines were physically laid out created some tension that mirror the content.
  12. Cassini Spacecraft: A Paean

    David, I enjoyed reading it through to the end. The narrative and the philosophical mixed gently in a lyrical way.
  13. church bells

    Terry, I got your message with this piece. If this were not haiku, it is fine. But, it appears you are trying to do a haiku unless I am mistaken. Judi's tip will help in that direction. As a suggestion, create two images that paint an overlapping scene. Here is one suggestion how that can be created using your idea Church bells ring loud, Sunday sunlight flashes on empty pews.
  14. A Magazine

    Thanks for the feedback, Tinker/Judi. The poem was based on a photograph that inspired me to describe and position the message in the context of the killings in our neighborhood due to the government's anti-drug war.
  15. A Magazine

    The early morning sunlight spread its rays over them, the black umbrella held over him by his partner, and under its shade he opens his Bible exposing it in the sun. Beside him the old man stared at the page, squinting his eyes, his white-grey hairs glowing in the sun some sweat sliding down his sun-baked, half-dressed body, pausing from the day's toils, from news of another human being found dead in some forgotten corner of everybody's mind, while others walked by carrying their poverty in public, as some women clustered around a nearby seat where a child was crying, unmindful of another death in the neighborhood, killed with gunshots that woke them up to another day. The preacher gave him a magazine, yellow as the sun with the cover title asking, 'Angels- Are They Real?' (This is an attempt to combine two things that are important to me at present. My volunteer work in my public Christian ministry as a Jehovah's Witnesses and my love to write poetry.)
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