Jump to content
Poetry Magnum Opus
tonyv

Easy Living

Recommended Posts

tonyv

Show me more than diamond mornings, more
than dawns you have displayed for me galore,
the heather in the fields, all two feet tall;
a neon fissure in the sky; a small
place newer than O Canada; a place,
where everybody has the best, where they
all have it all. Attention, all! The weigh-
station is now closed. Start the silly race,
and I will turn to take the long way home.
Then, I will take a beverage with the one
I love (and buy another for the one
I used to love). By dusk, the sky is chrome.
Open your eyes to light and ears to sound ...
I opened mine. At ease is what I found.


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

I'm not so happy with this poem. It's only my second revision, and it seems a bit hackneyed. But okay ... the board's a bit quiet, so I'll get it out there.


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dr_con

Tony,

 

I understand your disappointment with your voice;-)! It afflicts us all which is why its necessary to post things in process- But really, having read this twice before seeing your addendum I think it is fairly close to perfect and not at all hackneyed :-) Rather, I think you are wrapping in layers a particular feeling whose manifestation you can only describe through comparisons to O Canada and the familiarity of the closed weigh Station that bisects the roads of the plains- and so you feel the voice betrays you, when in truth you cut through the schmaltz and find your ease at the heart of the matter;-)

 

Well, well portrayed!

 

DC


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Thank you, Dr. Con, for your very encouraging remarks! I did hesitate to post this -- I even posted and removed it once the day before -- but finally decided to submit it for feedback. I'm glad I did.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
dedalus

Hey Tony,

 

This is kind of neat. The 'beverage' bit sounds a bit stuffy, sorry to say, because most normal (normalish) people would say, "Hey, want a drink?"

 

The bit I liked was you were going to buy a beverage (OK, drink) for your old girlfriend as well as the new one ... if I'm reading this correctly ... and I thought, Jeez, what a nice guy. And I also thought, "No, no, no!!! Don't do it!! How stupid can you get????"

 

I presume this was a teenage memory (therefore all the more a Big Mistake!!) because we all know adults are so much more mature about these things .... Ha!!

 

Anyway, nice one.

 

All the best,

Bren


Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Yes, Brendan I guess "beverage" just strayed over unnoticed from my everyday vernacular. :D I like to use an unusual expression here or there. I mean, here's a guy who calls every female "madam" ... whether she's eight or eighty! :)) Thanks for your kind observations.

 

Tony :)


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Aleksandra
Yes, Brendan I guess "beverage" just strayed over unnoticed from my everyday vernacular. :D I like to use an unusual expression here or there. I mean, here's a guy who calls every female "madam" ... whether she's eight or eighty! :)) Thanks for your kind observations.

 

Tony :)

 

Ah you old fashioner you made me smile -

 

So Sir, :) this is an extra mixed poem and full with enigma. You used the special skills here as logic and strategy and that's why the poem needs puzzle solving :). It's interesting how you start with an extremity to come to one personalization with letting the reader to look " inside ".

 

Interesting expressions as always, unusual, what makes you unique. I love the originality.

 

Well crafted poem with ironical title. - I loved - the same as I love the beverage- the word you used.

 

Perfect and good that you tried to do it fast one :).

 

Alek


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Thank you, Alek, for the vote of confidence. :) You've asked me for easier poems, but I prefer to throw a puzzle your way more often than not. I enjoy helping you solve them! :D

 

Yours,

 

Tony :)


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

I don't understand why you hesitated to post this. But I'm glad you did. Love the o sounds throughout - echoing, a drawing out of thoughts and feelings underlining the emptiness of the vista and the contemplative tone of the piece.

 

These are wonderful:

 

diamond mornings, sky is chrome.

 

 

Enjoyed this very much.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Thank you, Goldnlangur. :D I had not even considered the o sounds. I appreciate this a lot:

 

Love the o sounds throughout - echoing, a drawing out of thoughts and feelings underlining the emptiness of the vista and the contemplative tone of the piece.

There are quite a few. :D Now that you mention it, I like them, too!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
douglas

this is great! i loved the diamond and chrome imagry and the structure and the rhyme at the end. very cool. well done tony.


To receive love, you have to give it...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11

I enjoyed the feel of this, neat and yet playful, but not uptight. 'everyday vernacular' of beverage was fine by me, possibly because it's familiar. Taking the long way home has a resonance too.

 

badge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv

Thanks, Douglas and Badge!

 

this is great! i loved the diamond and chrome imagry ...

Does seem to work in an unusual sort of way ...

 

... Taking the long way home has a resonance too.

Hopefully not a "cliche" resonance, but I couldn't resist.

 

 

I changed some place in line five to simply a place. I appreciate the encouragement from you both.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
badger11
Hopefully not a "cliche" resonance, but I couldn't resist.

 

No, it made me think about choice.

 

I've seen 'cliche' used in critical comment on a number of occasions, on mine and others poems. It is often used in a lazy way. By this I mean sometimes the reader recognises the familiarity of the image/phrase, but not the 'originality' of the context. Saying that I often find rhyme 'tired', but here I found it wonderfully understated and subtle.

 

badge

Edited by badger11

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
tonyv
Hopefully not a "cliche" resonance, but I couldn't resist.

 

No, it made me think about choice.

 

I've seen 'cliche' used in critical comment on a number of occasions, on mine and others poems. It is often used in a lazy way. By this I mean sometimes the reader recognises the familiarity of the image/phrase, but not the 'originality' of the context. Saying that I often find rhyme 'tired', but here I found it wonderfully understated and subtle.

 

badge

Thanks again Badge. I share your thoughts about beginners' overuse of "cliche" in criticism -- that's why I put it in quotes -- but nevertheless the thought did cross my mind. And I'm glad the line didn't come across that way to someone whose thoughts I actually value. :D I'm also glad the rhyme wasn't off-putting. I usually strive for understated and subtle whenever I use it, but I don't always succeed. I'm also aware that some people love rhyme while others outright hate it. As for me, I neither love nor hate it; it's just a poetic device I employ from time to time. But, I always try to achieve the result I seem to have achieved in this one (as gathered from your comment). Thanks again for that, and thanks for coming back to this. I will revisit Whitethorn later on today.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please sign in to comment

You will be able to leave a comment after signing in



Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

By using this site, you agree to our Guidelines.