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goldenlangur

When the lotus bloomed

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goldenlangur

When the lotus bloomed

 

When the lotus bloomed that dawn my mind was empty. Empty as this begging bowl without a single grain starched on the rim. Empty like the sunless persimmon grove where the fruit globules are light-less blobs on a canvas the artist might swipe clean. Empty like the swirls of eddies in the mountain stream caught briefly by the low winter sun.

 

'Water,' he says, 'moves, flows, is never still'.

 

Emptying, emptying back to that moment in the blood-warmed sac.

 

Emptying all to flow again.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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tonyv

The sense of loss is tempered, though not quite offset, by a resolute world view. I love the "low winter sun."

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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goldenlangur

Hi Tony,

 

This is a seriously great reading! :D

 

The sense of loss is tempered, though not quite offset, by a resolute world view.

Tony

 

I love the "low winter sun."

 

Delighted that this works for you.

 

 

Thank you very much.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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badger11

When the lotus bloomed that dawn my mind was empty.

 

A stark contrast between nature's seasonal persistence and our inner journey. No doubt the 'Lotus' has a depth and nuance of symbolism in your culture. I vaguely recall that there is a state of detachment from the world, an 'emptiness', that is a positive in Buddhism?

 

Empty as this begging bowl without a single grain starched on the rim.

 

Unusual use of 'starched', conjuring both colour and texture. Hunger of the stomach or the spirit - either way the focus is concrete, particular.

Empty like the sunless persimmon grove where the fruit globules are light-less blobs on a canvas the artist might swipe clean.

 

21 words are a lot in an unpunctuated sentence: sunless/lightless is repetitive; perhaps globules/blobs are over descriptive; the simile maybe overworked with the reference to the artist. I know this is critical, but I also know you value honest response (even if it is misguided!)

 

 

Emptying, emptying back to that moment in the blood-warmed sac.

The experience, the journey, almost like a meditation. I love this line.

 

An enriching read.

 

Thank you for sharing my friend.

 

badge

Edited by badger11

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goldenlangur

Hi badge,

 

Thank you for taking some time over this prose poem and posting your thoughts. Yes, I do indeed appreciate honest and critical feedback :D

 

 

A stark contrast between nature's seasonal persistence and our inner journey. No doubt the 'Lotus' has a depth and nuance of symbolism in your culture. I vaguely recall that there is a state of detachment from the world, an 'emptiness', that is a positive in Buddhism?

 

The lotus symbolizes purity and the victory of the spirit over the physical body/senses.

 

 

Unusual use of 'starched', conjuring both colour and texture. Hunger of the stomach or the spirit - either way the focus is concrete, particular.

 

I confess to twisting the English language in some ways ;)

 

21 words are a lot in an unpunctuated sentence: sunless/lightless is repetitive; perhaps globules/blobs are over descriptive; the simile maybe overworked with the reference to the artist. I know this is critical, but I also know you value honest response (even if it is misguided!)

 

Your comments certainly make me think how I can re-word to convey that lack of spiritual and creative direction. The artist is a side-reference, if you like and not the central allusion. So if this is how it comes across to you, then I need to rethink how this might be overcome.

 

Not misguided at all badge. It is such feedback that helps me to improve.

 

 

The experience, the journey, almost like a meditation. I love this line.

 

An enriching read.

 

Delighted that this worked for you.

 

With appreciation.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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badger11

I confess to twisting the English language in some ways

My comment was a positive gl. Language needs to be challenged to remain alive.

 

 

The artist is a side-reference, if you like and not the central allusion.

 

Always a debate of how much meaning, without losing clarity, a poem can convey.

 

 

 

Delighted that this worked for you.

So much humility my friend!

 

badge

Edited by badger11

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Aleksandra

Hello, goldenlangur. This is wonderful prose poem. I like the concrete language and also the metaphors at the end. The expressions are brilliant.

I have learned about lotus flowers and their symbolism in different cultures, so I am wondering is it used in this work of yours as a metaphor. I love the space what you leave for the readers to analyze and to think. For me, personally, comes to my mind that you talk about the white lotus, also called - Tiger Lotus. Maybe I am wrong but I love to read your prose poem from different views.

 

I love the expression: sunless persimmon. And also how this piece ends.

 

Thank you for this enjoyable poem. I love it.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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dr_con

Golden,

 

Having started down the path of Zen, I am reminded of a phrase that my Sensei used: "Shan jo shui" loosely translated (or so I believe) 'Mind like water.' A fine example of the emptiness beneath and the un-interpreted world.

 

Loved it!

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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waxwings

Love the poetic concept. A fair critique is to mark at least one laudable poem part/element for each one that tends to diminish it. Others here have fully stated the laudable elements. Instead of parroting them, I need but mention a few quibbles. They address the perhaps intangibles and may appear to others as minor.

 

I hold a metaphor: "a poem is no more than a basket or cage to carry poetry in."

 

which leads me to that basket must be woven just right for the poetry it to carry. Too little a basket or one too loosely woven a will let some of the poetic to spill over or leak out leaving the remainder incomplete. Or, the basket is woven too tightly and the poetic content is hard to see clearly.

 

A believer in tradition, new or old, I wonder why, if you want this to be recognized as a prose poem, you feel the need to 'subtitle' it as one. The simplest, though perhaps unsatisfactory/non-exhaustive a definition (or mark of recognition) is that a prose poem's lines, except for the last one of each paragraph/stanza, should extend to the right marging of the 'page'. Here the first 'stanza' seems like a separate poem.

 

Also, I believe that poetry is no reason for abandoning better syntax, a more cvonventional mode of speech. Modern poets have shunned inversions such as in the first line. And, in absence of conventional line breaks, prose poems are much dependent on punctuation.

 

Here is my take.

 

That dawn, when the lotus bloomed, my mind was empty. Empty, as this begging bowl without a single grain starched on the rim. Empty, like the sunless persimmon grove where the fruit globules are light-less blobs on a canvas the artist might swipe clean. Empty like the swirls of eddies in the mountain stream caught briefly by the low winter sun.

 

Water, he says, moves, flows, is never still'. [not neccessarily a verbatim 'quote']

 

Emptying, emptying back to that moment in the blood-warmed sac. [here "flowing back" might be better]

 

Emptying all to flow again. [looks to me it is begging for a comma before or after "all"]

 

without vs with not; on vs to;

 

I'd like to knowhow you see it. I am not omnipotent and stand to be told where and how I have misinterpreted your aims.

Edited by waxwings

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goldenlangur

Hi waxwings,

 

waxwings' date='Mar 9 2010, 05:31 AM' post='9843']

Love the poetic concept. A fair critique is to mark at least one laudable poem part/element for each one that tends to diminish it. Others here have fully stated the laudable elements. Instead of parroting them, I need but mention a few quibbles. They address the perhaps intangibles and may appear to others as minor.

 

You may well have a point - one poet's intangible is another poet's tangible ;)

 

 

which leads me to that basket must be woven just right for the poetry it to carry. Too little a basket or one too loosely woven a will let some of the poetic to spill over or leak out leaving the remainder incomplete. Or, the basket is woven too tightly and the poetic content is hard to see clearly.

 

One cannot possibly disagree with your excellent metaphor and rationale here.

 

A believer in tradition, new or old, I wonder why, if you want this to be recognized as a prose poem, you feel the need to 'subtitle' it as one.

 

I think a straightforward answer is that PMO gives an option when we click new topic for a description of the item being posted. So I just typed Prose Poem to avail of this facility.

 

The simplest, though perhaps unsatisfactory/non-exhaustive a definition (or mark of recognition) is that a prose poem's lines, except for the last one of each paragraph/stanza, should extend to the right marging of the 'page'. Here the first 'stanza' seems like a separate poem.

 

You're spot on - instead of a stanza the prose poem uses prose passage or paragraph. One aspect of the prose poem is that it is free of the standard rules of form like say, the sonnet.The variety in the writing of prose poem right from Baudelaire, Mallarme Rimbaud, Alexander solzhenitsyn to Michael Benedikt shows how flexible its appearance on page is. Some are continuous sequences of sentences, others have line breaks. There is no hard and fast rule.

 

 

Also, I believe that poetry is no reason for abandoning better syntax, a more cvonventional mode of speech. Modern poets have shunned inversions such as in the first line. And, in absence of conventional line breaks, prose poems are much dependent on punctuation.

 

 

Punctuation or the lack of it, is also what badge pointed out in his review. I agree that this prose poem needs some looking into.

 

Here is my take.

 

That dawn, when the lotus bloomed, my mind was empty. Empty, as this begging bowl without a single grain starched on the rim. Empty, like the sunless persimmon grove where the fruit globules are light-less blobs on a canvas the artist might swipe clean. Empty like the swirls of eddies in the mountain stream caught briefly by the low winter sun.

 

With some judicious use of comma or two this does look tidier. :)

 

Water, he says, moves, flows, is never still'. [not neccessarily a verbatim 'quote']

 

Something to consider.

 

Emptying, emptying back to that moment in the blood-warmed sac. [here "flowing back" might be better]

 

 

Flowing back perhaps is more grammatically correct but it would lose the allusion to Sunyata - the Buddhist concept of emptiness.

 

Emptying all to flow again. [looks to me it is begging for a comma before or after "all"]

 

Perhaps again the comma would be correct punctuation but it would disrupt that meditative flow.

 

without vs with not; on vs to;

 

I'm sorry I don't get this point. :rolleyes:

 

I'd like to knowhow you see it. I am not omnipotent and stand to be told where and how I have misinterpreted your aims.

It is very kind of you to take the trouble to read this little piece in such detail and your point about punctuation is spot on. I think the prose poem form is far more flexible and fun to use than perhaps we are used to in our use of poetic and prose forms.

 

Thank you very much. :)

 

 

When I tried to post this with quotes from waxwings I got an error message: You have used more than the permitted number of quotes (or words to that effect). So I used the quotes in two instances and bold for the rest.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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tonyv
When I tried to post this with quotes from waxwings I got an error message: You have used more than the permitted number of quotes (or words to that effect). So I used the quotes in two instances and bold for the rest.

Sorry for that, Goldenlangur. I changed the setting from ten allowed quotes per post to thirty-five, so I hope it won't be a problem any longer.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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waxwings
When I tried to post this with quotes from waxwings I got an error message: You have used more than the permitted number of quotes (or words to that effect). So I used the quotes in two instances and bold for the rest.

Sorry for that, Goldenlangur. I changed the setting from ten allowed quotes per post to thirty-five, so I hope it won't be a problem any longer.

 

Tony

 

Consider me imbecile in certain ways. Can you, please, in fine detail, tell me how do I put that ' framed' quote in my reply and which of the reply options must I use. This also includes my tendency to fail to attach my reply to the specific previous posting I intend to.

 

A few more 'druthers'. Why not make it possible for one to scroll to all previous (including the original) posts from the 'reply' page/frame. That way one can do the ctrl+c and ctrl+v type copy and paste thingy to pull any (esp. smalest) part into my reply and affix quotes to it or put it in bold, underline , italic, color or whatever, for distinction. I know you have 'automated' that but seems it takes up all kinds of ?bandwidth? and limits it to how many are alowed.

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waxwings

Hi, golden,

 

Thanks for taking time to either accept/disprove the fitness of my ideas. I like them, but to err is human, and I hate to swim against the current when it is pointless. Here is some elaboration and clarification of what I confused you with.

 

My take is that 'edits' below could make it poetically/emotionally stronger w/o changing essentials. The many fresh, wonderful tropes you have tend to overwhelm each other, and that is where conventional line breaks are useful. A prose poem can have other justifying props, like a somehow more narrative content, pensive, not dwelling or relying as much on the more direct, more outright emotional effects.

 

Not to say that prose poems are the lesser, but why force the form rather than letting content say what it needs. They are a 'form' governed more by grammatic/syntactical prosody, not such mainstays as recurring rhythmic elements and repetition of words and/or vocalic echoes.

 

 

That dawn, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[comma optional, may act like ellipsis for some tiny omission hard to articulate]

when the lotus bloomed,

my mind was empty.

 

Empty,

as this begging bowl [,] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[comma optional, or only if in prose form]

without not a single grain starched on to the its rim. ~~~~~~~~~~~[stronger alternatives?]

 

Empty,

like the sunless persimmon grove,

where the fruit globes are lightless blobs shapes~~~~~[see note 1]

on a canvas the artist might wipe clean. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~[swipe seems a trifle frivolous, to me.]

 

Empty,

like the swirls and of eddies ~~~ [tautomeric synonyms, i.e., eddies swirl; "swirling eddies" could be better]

in the mountain stream ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~["swirling in the mountain stream" if prev. line was " like the eddies"]

caught briefly by the low winter's sun.

 

Water, he says, moves,

flows, is never still.

 

Emptying,

flowing back emptying ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ [see note 2]

to that moment in the blood-warmed sac.

 

Emptying all,

to flow again.

 

1] I like "globes". "blobs" is too much of same and, for me, less delicate re other content. To retain "lightless", why not "shaded" instead "sunless".

2] I hold move/flow back to a truer vb. prepo match than emptying from; and "emptying" plus flow "back"makes good contrast.

 

I hope you see that small but somewhat elaborate edits are my way to say what I could not do otherwise, as specifically and concisely. It is for you to know what works, and since I then try to keep your words/underlying concepts, you need not feel I am trying to rewrite your poem.

Edited by waxwings

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goldenlangur

Thank you DC for the Zen reference ("Mind like water") and I'm delighted that the emptiness and the physical world juxtaposition came across for you.

 

 

Golden,

 

Having started down the path of Zen, I am reminded of a phrase that my Sensei used: "Shan jo shui" loosely translated (or so I believe) 'Mind like water.' A fine example of the emptiness beneath and the un-interpreted world.

 

Loved it!

 

DC&J

Edited by goldenlangur

goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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goldenlangur

Thank you Alexsandra for your wonderfully perceptive reading, particularly the sumbolism of the Lotus. The Lotus has many allusions in our philosophical tradition and iconography, main as representing the Buddha mind - the pure mind. The muddy waters in which it grows is juxtaposed to its beauty as symbolizing the victory of the mind over the physical.

 

 

 

 

 

Just recently, I have suddenly been unable to delete passages, edit and quote so do forgive the rather untidy appearance of this post.

 

 

Hello, goldenlangur. This is wonderful prose poem. I like the concrete language and also the metaphors at the end. The expressions are brilliant.

I have learned about lotus flowers and their symbolism in different cultures, so I am wondering is it used in this work of yours as a metaphor. I love the space what you leave for the readers to analyze and to think. For me, personally, comes to my mind that you talk about the white lotus, also called - Tiger Lotus. Maybe I am wrong but I love to read your prose poem from different views.

 

I love the expression: sunless persimmon. And also how this piece ends.

 

Thank you for this enjoyable poem. I love it.

 

Aleksandra


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Aleksandra

It is ok, goldenlagur, do not worry. Whatever problems you have with the posting, soon they would be fixed.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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goldenlangur

Hi Waxwing,

 

 

I'm grateful that you have taken the time to return with more details on how I could improve this piece.

 

The many fresh, wonderful tropes you have tend to overwhelm each other, and that is where conventional line breaks are useful. A prose poem can have other justifying props, like a somehow more narrative content, pensive, not dwelling or relying as much on the more direct, more outright emotional effects.

 

This is a problem I can appreciate - the density of the references compounded by the lack of punctuation.

 

Not to say that prose poems are the lesser, but why force the form rather than letting content say what it needs. They are a 'form' governed more by grammatic/syntactical prosody, not such mainstays as recurring rhythmic elements and repetition of words and/or vocalic echoes.

 

I don't think, though that the theme of meditation on emptiness was an attempt to force a form - either poetical or prose poem. Prose poem uses echoing rhymes and lyrical details.

 

That dawn, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[comma optional, may act like ellipsis for some tiny omission hard to articulate]

when the lotus bloomed,

my mind was empty.

 

Here we have a definite statement that the lotus bloomed that dawn and the mind was empty. The version without the punctuation allows another possibility - that the blooming of the lotus is the emptiness of the mind. The first is descriptive and almost factual whereas the second allows for a more esoteric reading.

 

 

 

as this begging bowl [,] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[comma optional, or only if in prose form]

without not a single grain starched on to the its rim. ~~~~~~~~~~~[stronger alternatives?]

 

 

Starched to the rim would mean starched up to the rim whereas I was aiming for just the rim of the bowl starched.

 

swipe seems a trifle frivolous, to me.]

 

Something to mull over.

 

 

Empty,

like the swirls and of eddies ~~~ [tautomeric synonyms, i.e., eddies swirl; "swirling eddies" could be better]

in the mountain stream ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~["swirling in the mountain stream" if prev. line was " like the eddies"]

caught briefly by the low winter's sun.

 

Some play on the swirling/swirl/eddy was intended. Winter sun without the apostrophe is accepted usage.

 

 

1] I like "globes". "blobs" is too much of same and, for me, less delicate re other content. To retain "lightless", why not "shaded" instead "sunless".

 

Shaded to me is descriptive where as sunless suggests without hope.

 

 

2] I hold move/flow back to a truer vb. prepo match than emptying from; and "emptying" plus flow "back"makes good contrast.

 

Emptiness, emptying is quite central to this piece and again, although I can see the grammatical logic of flow and also the rationale for avoiding repetition, I think the use of the latter would be more of a language construct than a meditation on emptying/emptiness.

 

 

 

I hope you see that small but somewhat elaborate edits are my way to say what I could not do otherwise, as specifically and concisely. It is for you to know what works, and since I then try to keep your words/underlying concepts, you need not feel I am trying to rewrite your poem.

 

 

I do appreciate that you have given this thought and taken the trouble to point out weak points. I have taken on board the point about punctuation in the second passage and hope to play around with this to see how it can be improved.

 

 

Thank you very much.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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waxwings

Your responses give me additional wisdom. Unless you feel we are sufficiently d'accord, you need not make further replies to my expansion on a few points.

 

Hi Waxwing,

 

 

I'm grateful that you have taken the time to return with more details on how I could improve this piece.

 

The many fresh, wonderful tropes you have tend to overwhelm each other, and that is where conventional line breaks are useful. A prose poem can have other justifying props, like a somehow more narrative content, pensive, not dwelling or relying as much on the more direct, more outright emotional effects.

 

This is a problem I can appreciate - the density of the references compounded by the lack of punctuation.

 

Not to say that prose poems are the lesser, but why force the form rather than letting content say what it needs. They are a 'form' governed more by grammatic/syntactical prosody, not such mainstays as recurring rhythmic elements and repetition of words and/or vocalic echoes.

 

I don't think, though that the theme of meditation on emptiness was an attempt to force a form - either poetical or prose poem. Prose poem uses echoing rhymes and lyrical details. ~~~~~~~yes they do, but are not as much dependent on them. If not they would be prose only

 

That dawn, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[comma optional, may act like ellipsis for some tiny omission hard to articulate]

when the lotus bloomed,

my mind was empty.

 

Here we have a definite statement that the lotus bloomed that dawn and the mind was empty. The version without the punctuation allows another possibility - that the blooming of the lotus is the emptiness of the mind. The first is descriptive and almost factual whereas the second allows for a more esoteric reading.

 

 

 

 

 

as this begging bowl [,] ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[comma optional, or only if in prose form]

without not a single grain starched on to the its rim. ~~~~~~~~~~~[stronger alternatives?]

 

 

Starched to the rim would mean starched up to the rim whereas I was aiming for just the rim of the bowl starched.

 

swipe seems a trifle frivolous, to me.]

 

Something to mull over.

 

 

Empty,

like the swirls and of eddies ~~~ [tautomeric synonyms, i.e., eddies swirl; "swirling eddies" could be better]

in the mountain stream ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~["swirling in the mountain stream" if prev. line was " like the eddies"]

caught briefly by the low winter's sun.

 

Some play on the swirling/swirl/eddy was intended. Winter sun without the apostrophe is accepted usage.

 

 

1] I like "globes". "blobs" is too much of same and, for me, less delicate re other content. To retain "lightless", why not "shaded" instead "sunless".

 

Shaded to me is descriptive where as sunless suggests without hope.

 

 

2] I hold move/flow back to a truer vb. prepo match than emptying from; and "emptying" plus flow "back"makes good contrast.

 

Emptiness, emptying is quite central to this piece and again, although I can see the grammatical logic of flow and also the rationale for avoiding repetition, I think the use of the latter would be more of a language construct than a meditation on emptying/emptiness.

 

 

 

I hope you see that small but somewhat elaborate edits are my way to say what I could not do otherwise, as specifically and concisely. It is for you to know what works, and since I then try to keep your words/underlying concepts, you need not feel I am trying to rewrite your poem.

 

 

I do appreciate that you have given this thought and taken the trouble to point out weak points. I have taken on board the point about punctuation in the second passage and hope to play around with this to see how it can be improved.

 

 

Thank you very much.

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goldenlangur

Hi waxwings,

 

 

Your responses give me additional wisdom. Unless you feel we are sufficiently d'accord, you need not make further replies to my expansion on a few points.

 

I'm not sure wisdom is what you get from me :icon_redface: However, exchange of ideas here are certainly helpful and interesting for me.

 

I don't think, though that the theme of meditation on emptiness was an attempt to force a form - either poetical or prose poem. Prose poem uses echoing rhymes and lyrical details. ~~~~~~~yes they do, but are not as much dependent on them. If not they would be prose only

 

Absolutely, the prose poem is not as dependent on rhyming schemes as a poem might be.

 

 

Please don't feel that you have to answer this post but thank you for giving my piece much of your time.

 

With appreciation.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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Lake

Golden,

 

You've been given a great number of reponses, what I'd like to add is that you are good at creating the mood, the zenish mood. I like how you use a monk's empty begging bowl to express the emptiness.

 

'Water,' he says, 'moves, flows, is never still'.

 

The above line I took as what a sage or a recluse would say.

 

The title leaves a lot for the reader to imagine - When the lotus bloomed ... - to complete the second part.

 

Enjoyed,

 

Lake

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goldenlangur

I'm delighted Lake that the use of a monk's empty bowl to evoke something of emptiness worked for you.

 

 

Golden,

 

'Water,' he says, 'moves, flows, is never still'.

 

The above line I took as what a sage or a recluse would say. Lake

 

This is indeed a quotation from a mantra. :D

 

The title leaves a lot for the reader to imagine - When the lotus bloomed ... - to complete the second part.

 

I'm encouraged that you were able to understand this.

 

 

Thank you very much.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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worm

I started to read this thread last night, eventually I've finished. This prose poem affords for thought, empty, mysterious, like the misty dawn trance. the lucid analysis makes it a lot easier for me to understand its syntactical and semantical features, very unique. I like to cite prose poem, but feel this one a little knotty, coz some stretched sentences tire me. in this respect, the suggestion of appropriate application of punctuations is constructive. I would take it seriously and make my poem easier for readers to read aloud.

 

I like your plot scheme. Three concrete subjects are employed to prove the abstract concept of emptiness, the begging bowl, sheer with nothing in; the persimmon grove, with but would rather without fruit globules; swirls/ eddies, not really caught by the winter sun, even very low.

 

and the voice, sounds from nowhere, an empty space? it’s an illusion of twilight, but the tone is firm. Confusing mind is enlightened all in a sudden at this direction. and the last two lines point out the keynote.

 

an illuminative poem, goldenlangur.

Edited by worm

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goldenlangur

Hi worm,

 

Thank you for giving this prose poem a considered reading:

 

... I like to cite prose poem, but feel this one a little knotty, coz some stretched sentences tire me. in this respect, the suggestion of appropriate application of punctuations is constructive. I would take it seriously and make my poem easier for readers to read aloud.

 

I agree. The punctuation certainly needs looking at in the second passage.

 

I like your plot scheme. Three concrete subjects are employed to prove the abstract concept of emptiness, the begging bowl, sheer with nothing in; the persimmon grove, with but would rather without fruit globules; swirls/ eddies, not really caught by the winter sun, even very low.

 

 

I am delighted that these details came across for you.

 

and the voice, sounds from nowhere, an empty space? it’s an illusion of twilight, but the tone is firm. Confusing mind is enlightened all in a sudden at this direction. and the last two lines point out the keynote.

 

Indeed, worm. :D Meditation takes us through the murky levels to an opening which we might like to explore.

 

an illuminative poem, goldenlangur.

 

 

This is very generous. :)


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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