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worm

A Smallish Desire

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worm

In winter

sun rarely visits,

but today, he drops in

down to my balcony

besieged by concrete walls

a corner, where I sit.

 

Basking in his warmth

my heart ripples again

with a smallish desire

as on all sunny days

especially

in this season

 

wishing

I would receive a call

of surprise

an invitation as you promised

to tea on a lakeside

where wavelets hail

in a myriad of tiny joys.

goldfish under white railings

shoal over, eavesdrop.

and you,smiling gently

look into my liquid eyes

where the sun sparkles.

Edited by worm

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dr_con

Love this- a pleasant personal daydream... Captures solitude and longing and reflects only what is there in that moment...

 

Nice work Worm my fav of yours so far!

 

DC&J


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waxwings

A most charming modern title.

 

By nature, I am not handy, like Doc, at interpreting what the poem, or the poet, seems to say, nor can I guarantee I can put myself in the poem to share its sunshine. Nevertheless, I feel warmer, in my coolish study, while just reading your poem. I am, very likely, more of a word lover/linguist who is bothered by any word that needs to be there what the poem does not show without them being in it. Therefore, and especially to hone both: my English which is not native, as well as my poetic perception, I enjoy pruning and editing poems I take a special liking to, even those written by the masters.

 

In winter

the sun rarely visits,

but today, he drops in ``````````Not sure both prepositions are needed unless the "in" is to be taken as part of the action/verb "to drop in"

down to my balcony ````````````"down" seems inclusive, of "in" or I'd replace it w/"on" to leave "in" as is.

besieged by concrete walls, ``````````` Swapping this w/ the last line of this stanza seems, to me, make it emotionally stronger.

a corner, where I sit.

 

Basking in his warmth ```````````````Does the sun have to be masculine? It is not central to poem. Is there need to personify it.

my heart ripples again `````````Could omit, since "like" assures reader this is not the first time your heart ripples.

with a smallish desire

like all sunny days ``````````````````or why not 'as on all sunny days, / especially /in this season.'

especially

in this season

 

wishing

I could receive a call ``````````````` I'd prefer "would", for "could" points to your inability rather than an external possibility.

of surprise, ``````````````````````` Would 'a surprise call' not be somewhat warmer, less stilted/official a way to say same?.

an invitation as you promised ``` is this needed? It is a short way of saying 'an invitation like the kind you promised.

to tea on a lakeside

where wavelets hail

in a myriad of tiny joys; ```````` ?? "call/with"! 'hail in' requires acoustic means, a 'voice', not 'joys'. Or do you mean 'hail' like a cab.

goldfish under white railings ```````````This is an appositive w/ preceding & ending commas, not a semicolon. Where is its end.

shoal over, eavesdrop;

and you, gently smile, `````````` Looks like an inversion. The -ing seems in wrong place. Why not 'you, smiling gently, look into...'

looking into my liquid eyes `````` Unproven 'poeticism' and a 'patting yourself on the shoulder.

where the sun sparkles.

 

I have already said your English prose sounds too intelligent to let me overlook the pretentious overused clichees that creep in.

 

I love the way you let the flow of syntax and the action jump over stanza boundaries, but you should mind your punctuation. It is a bit overdone in the latter part, perhaps short in the first. I have always preached punctuation be used sparingly but it is often needed when speech/thought/idea fragments start in midddle of one and end in the middle of next, esp. w/ run-on lines, enjambment. The result is that the poem comes as an uninterrupted burst of words like bullets from a machine gun. That makes your good poetic images less noticeable and enjoyable.

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tonyv

Worm, this one's like a spring day when it's just a bit too cold but lovely nonetheless. I like how you personify the sun in the first part(s) and how you warm things up with a touch of the personal in the last.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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worm
Love this- a pleasant personal daydream... Captures solitude and longing and reflects only what is there in that moment...

 

Nice work Worm my fav of yours so far!

 

DC&J

 

You words are heartening. I wish more would be added to the list of your fav of mine.

Thanks for your commenting Dr_Con.

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worm
A most charming modern title.

 

By nature, I am not handy, like Doc, at interpreting what the poem, or the poet, seems to say, nor can I guarantee I can put myself in the poem to share its sunshine. Nevertheless, I feel warmer, in my coolish study, while just reading your poem. I am, very likely, more of a word lover/linguist who is bothered by any word that needs to be there what the poem does not show without them being in it. Therefore, and especially to hone both: my English which is not native, as well as my poetic perception, I enjoy pruning and editing poems I take a special liking to, even those written by the masters.

 

Waxwings, I like your straightforwardness and am happy with the little warmth my poem brings to you. I like my poems to be examined and diagnosed by veteran poets like you. Your words always mirror my weak points.

 

In winter

the sun rarely visits,

but today, he drops in ``````````Not sure both prepositions are needed unless the "in" is to be taken as part of the action/verb "to drop in"

down to my balcony ````````````"down" seems inclusive, of "in" or I'd replace it w/"on" to leave "in" as is.

 

your analysis considers the nuance of words, but drop in as a whole means unexpected visit.If I use word descend, the down will be unnecessary, but here it alludes to a sense of directionl choice. It may sound more dynamic?

besieged by concrete walls, ``````````` Swapping this w/ the last line of this stanza seems, to me, make it emotionally stronger.

a corner, where I sit.

the swap does make emotion stronger, but in the meantime causes confusion in meaning and discontinuity in reading. It is the balcony that has been besidged, and the corner is but a fraction of it.

Basking in his warmth ```````````````Does the sun have to be masculine? It is not central to poem. Is there need to personify it.

 

Personification here makes the sun lively and lovely and brings affability into the depth of my solitude. I tried she, but quit the idea, coz his warmth and coming are resonanat with the caller's.

my heart ripples again `````````Could omit, since "like" assures reader this is not the first time your heart ripples.

yes you are right, readers are assured of the repetition within like-phrase, but can I use it to underline the heart stir?

with a smallish desire

like all sunny days ``````````````````or why not 'as on all sunny days, / especially /in this season.'

especially

in this season

 

I will take this expression to my reedit.

 

wishing

I could receive a call ``````````````` I'd prefer "would", for "could" points to your inability rather than an external possibility.

Thanks! I did stop here in between would and could, now I've got the choice with your approval.

 

of surprise, ``````````````````````` Would 'a surprise call' not be somewhat warmer, less stilted/official a way to say same?.

 

it is the same from my side, but i feel there needs a short pause before we go on with a little longer appositive phrase an invitation as you promised.

an invitation as you promised ``` is this needed? It is a short way of saying 'an invitation like the kind you promised.

Yes it is needed. The unfulfilling promise foreshadows my longings on sunny days again and again. otherwise, I dare not daydream too often.

 

to tea on a lakeside

where wavelets hail

in a myriad of tiny joys; ```````` ?? "call/with"! 'hail in' requires acoustic means, a 'voice', not 'joys'. Or do you mean 'hail' like a cab.

I can use cheer/whisper, but here wavelets seem to be understanding at our meeting. So they celebrate joyfully. the hail is more eyeminded, though whisper is logically correct. So I will retain it.

 

goldfish under white railings ```````````This is an appositive w/ preceding & ending commas, not a semicolon. Where is its end.

 

I see. Thanks.

 

shoal over, eavesdrop;

and you, gently smile, `````````` Looks like an inversion. The -ing seems in wrong place. Why not 'you, smiling gently, look into...'

I was also stranded here. The two happen almost synchronously, but fair enough with a smile accompanying. I take your sugestion to revise later.

 

looking into my liquid eyes `````` Unproven 'poeticism' and a 'patting yourself on the shoulder.

where the sun sparkles.

 

I understand the trouble you've come up with. moist eyes is reasonable but not enough for the sun to sparkle. Liquid eyes here is for tearful eyes(because of gratitude and over joy). In my dictionary, I can take the meaning of liquid for adj, filled or brimming with tears.

 

I have already said your English prose sounds too intelligent to let me overlook the pretentious overused clichees that creep in.

I see what you mean. I'll learn to speak in a plainer way.

 

I love the way you let the flow of syntax and the action jump over stanza boundaries, but you should mind your punctuation. It is a bit overdone in the latter part, perhaps short in the first. I have always preached punctuation be used sparingly but it is often needed when speech/thought/idea fragments start in midddle of one and end in the middle of next, esp. w/ run-on lines, enjambment. The result is that the poem comes as an uninterrupted burst of words like bullets from a machine gun. That makes your good poetic images less noticeable and enjoyable.

 

punctuation is another weak point of me. Thanks you for citing these principles . In my later poems, I'll try to make better use of them.

 

 

I like my poems to be commented from different perspectives, which does good for me from every aspect.

Thanks again waxwings for your details! I've learnt many things from your commenting. Thanks for your time.

Edited by worm

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worm
Worm, this one's like a spring day when it's just a bit too cold but lovely nonetheless. I like how you personify the sun in the first part(s) and how you warm things up with a touch of the personal in the last.

 

Tony

 

Thanks Tony for your reading.

One may feel an antimonsoon when the time is ripe. I'm happy my poem brings a dash of warmth of spring to winter. I'll keep working hard to acquire some techniques and write better poems.

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Larsen M. Callirhoe
The result is that the poem comes as an uninterrupted burst of words like bullets from a machine gun. That makes your good poetic images less noticeable and enjoyable.

 

i agree with this analysis. worrm nice to meet you. i enjoyed the imagery but it bursts out instead of feeling natural. this made the poem feel like when read aloud that the author was not sure what to use as words. i am studying to be a lingust. so this is what i noticed in the poem.

 

victor


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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worm
The result is that the poem comes as an uninterrupted burst of words like bullets from a machine gun. That makes your good poetic images less noticeable and enjoyable.

 

i agree with this analysis. worrm nice to meet you. i enjoyed the imagery but it bursts out instead of feeling natural. this made the poem feel like when read aloud that the author was not sure what to use as words. i am studying to be a lingust. so this is what i noticed in the poem.

 

victor

 

Hi Victor, nice to meet you too.

Waxwing states that this mainly results from improper use of punctuation, he is right. From your words I've noticed another important point that may be possibly neglected in my poem. I remember someone reminded me of the same, that there are some verbal images, not jumping from the heart.

 

So I would like to make some modifications, to tea on a lakeside---> to tea again on that lakesid. then, it reads,

 

wishing

I would receive a call

of surprise

an invitation as you promised

to tea again on that lakeside

where.................

.......................................

 

with this matting, the following description could be a recall and longing for good time? Readers will not feel the forced images created in the later part? of course, there are many pictures a poet may envision with his inner-eyes, but how to persuade his reader, to me, it will be a longer time to practise.

 

Thanks for stopping and commenting!

 

wish you all the best!

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

hi worm,

 

i did nt want to take away from some very bright imagery presented by choppyness in two spots in the poem. for me to comment these days means it is a very good poem. i hope people would do the same if those people who read my poems presented noticed something mechanical technicality in the poem which occurs often in my poems.

 

victor :)


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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worm

Hi Victor again!

Actually after my last reply, I remember waxwings' query in as you promised. Together with your comment, I rewrite some lines as follows,

 

wishing

I would receive a call

of surprise

an invitation to tea again

on that lakeside

where.........

 

I'm just thinking if the imagination stretched this way, the scene followed by the lakeside will be a natural association. is it?

Thanks Victor for revisit!

Edited by worm

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