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dr_con

preacher

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dr_con

Preacher

There is no-one on heaven or earth who

is as aware as I am of the Great Work

nothing that is not sinful in my eyes

you can find hope in my heart you

can do no wrong if you believe me

Do  and believe as I say

there is nothing without me

is nothing I say

nothing  to do

You helpless

can you not see?

Say helpless

I give you power I

am the glory

the  kingdom will come by me

king  of all that believe in the divinity

of me and my story

getting help is the first step

my  way is glory and you can

own the truth now and forever if you join my

way now

Edited by dr_con

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tonyv

I like how the line breaks work in this poem, Dr. Con, how the lines become more fragmented and how there's more enjambment as the poem moves along. It heightens the poem's mesmerizing characteristics. And this one seems to say, "We are the dealers/We'll give you everything you need! (AC/DC)"

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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dr_con

Got it in one tony- ahh ac/dc- So if you read down on the left the first word- There is a song I started singing to myself- and I thought hey! it would make a great musical about a preacher- hence the evolution of the piece;-) Look ma a new form- ha!

 

DC&J


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tonyv

Incredible, Juris! I gotta admit, I didn't catch that, and I love it! It was all subliminal for me ... like a "backmasked" record, lol!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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waxwings

Juri,

I find the notion quite interesting, and I am talking about the poem and the idea behind it, but, in my heart/soul, the orthographic execution is distracting. The approach to write something down the left margin (cf. achrostich et al), and rhne something to the right of each, has been employed before, but yours is more, trying to make the combo into athird poem/ditty.

 

However, I would search for another way ,other than the underlined gaps, to separate the two components of the whole. It was disturbing enough I had to reread too many times to get the idea. I usually do not read comments of others before writing my own.

 

Below is one possibility retaining the underlines (could be replaced by hyphens or double-em dashes for better readabiliy). Remember, we are creatures of habit, and underlined spaces are not immediately intelligible not being used anywhere I know of. Though experimentation is needed to keep poetry ever fresh, too many seem to seek fame by doing outre things one of them being the use of the space of the page and not crowding the left margin.

 

After I reprinted your poem that way, I found that the 'right-column-poem' does not read smoothly, is not always syntactically and, therefore, semantically clean. I see no reason for it not to be. Of course, that is why the whole did not work too well when I read the two parts together the very first time.

 

It all so explains why I was totally puxxled by tony's comment abount the 'enjambment' which I now must say is faulty, at least as written originally. I would be interested to see some wee editing od the right-column-p.

 

There __ is no-one on heaven or earth who

is __ as aware as I am of the Great Work

nothing __ that is not sinful in my eyes

you __ can find hope in my heart you

can __ do no wrong if you believe me

do __ and believe as I say

there __ is nothing without me

is __ nothing I say

nothing __ to do

You __ helpless

can __ you not see?

Say __ helpless

I __ give you power I

am __ the glory

the __ kingdom will come by me

king __ of all that believe in the divinity

of __ me and my story

getting __ help is the first step

my __ way is glory and you can

own __ the truth now and forever if you join my

way __ now

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dr_con

Thanks Ikars!

 

I can't determine the difference in your version? Perhaps in error you reprinted the original?

 

Thanks,

 

Juri


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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Lake

Hi Dr,

 

I appreciate the experiment. I didn't realize it is like a kind of acrostic poem

until I read your reply to Tony. Cool!

 

I wonder would it be better to use empty spaces instead of _ in the poem for the visual effect? Some thing like this:

 

There is no-one on heaven or earth who

is as aware as I am of the Great Work

nothing that is not sinful in my eyes

you can find hope in my heart you

can do no wrong if you believe me

Do  and believe as I say

there is nothing without me

is nothing I say

nothing  to do

You helpless

can you not see?

Say helpless

I give you power I

am the glory

the  kingdom will come by me

king  of all that believe in the divinity

of me and my story

getting help is the first step

my  way is glory and you can

own the truth now and forever if you join my

way now

 

 

 

 

I don't know, just thought Gary Snyder uses this technique a lot.

 

 

 

All in all, I like it.

 

Lake

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dr_con

Lake,

 

Thank you...

 

And yes that's what I'll do- BTW how did you do it? Change the underline to white or is there an easier way on this PHP forum?

 

;-)

 

Thanks again!

 

Juris


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Lake
how did you do it? Change the underline to white or is there an easier way on this PHP forum?

 

Tony? I don't know how to do it on the forum, I did it on my word (using special symbols, then inserting an empty space) and copied it to the board. Not a smart way, I know. :icon_redface:

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tonyv
how did you do it? Change the underline to white or is there an easier way on this PHP forum?

 

Tony? I don't know how to do it on the forum, I did it on my word (using special symbols, then inserting an empty space) and copied it to the board. Not a smart way, I know. :icon_redface:

 

I'm not sure how you did it, Lake. :D I looked inside your post (using the edit button) and I could not see any html code. You must have used the rich text editor of the board. Using that, it's possible to paste all kinds of things into the reply and it does it automatically. But when I get topic reply notifications, I have my board settings set so that the text of the reply appears right in the email. Here's what I saw from the email: it seems you used a code like " " or "&nbsp" to make the space after the word.

 

If Dr. Con would like to use your version (with the spaces), I think he can just copy the text of your version and edit/paste it into his original poem/post. I tried it and it worked.

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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waxwings

I read this poem w/ underlined spaces before anyone else had commented, and I'd suggest the original should be left intact and the revision adde following. That way those who have not had a chance to see the original would know the reason for all the comments.

 

There are some 'named' forms that do what you have done, but you have gone them one better. Did you deliberately try to make three poems in one, i.e., the 'left column', the 'right column' and the combo? All the others are merely a single poem where either the first-letters- or -words-of the line spellout a name or a sentence/saying.

 

What you have is a potentially significant and powerful poem-in-the-core which limps a bit in the syntactic/semantic sense and definitely the orthography.

 

I found it intriguing but very difficult to read. In spots, either the syntax or the semantics or both do not work if all lines are read with the same premise. Occasionally the 'right line parts' work well in enjambment w/o the words at the left margin but, at other spots, they need the word on the left to make sense and, in a few cases, they do not work at all as enjambed lines are expected to. If it were not a most lengthy process I could quote you chapter and verse of how to edit the lines that do not work as well as I know they could but I sense you are quite capable to get the semantics right.

 

Of course, this is not an easy experiment and I salute your daring. I am sure you can clean this excellent poem up as it deserves.

I delayed my response and took time to see if I could make some perhaps useful suggestions. A sample follows, but first let me say that poets of today experiment w/extra blank spaces to better utilize the blankness of the page to the right of the poem. Occasionally then one has to read the second part of the preceding line first before going on to the second part of the same line.

 

There -- is no-one on heaven or earth who

------is -- as aware as I am of the Great Work

nothing -- that is not sinful in my eyes ~~~~~~~~ Too close to saying the Great Work is sinful, due to the 'nothing / __ not' interaction.

----you -- can find hope in my heart you

----can -- do no wrong, if you believe me

-----do -- and believe as I say

There -- is nothing without me

-------is -- nothing I say

nothing -- to do

----you -- helpless

----can -- you not see?

Say-------------------------------------helpless

--------I -- give you power

----I am -- the glory

------the -- kingdom will come by me

-----king -- of all that believe in the divinity

--------of -- me and my story

--getting -- help is the first step

------my -- way is the glory and you can

-----own -- the truth now and forever if you join my

-----way -- now.

 

Anyway, GOOD SHOW, Juri!

Edited by waxwings

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

a master piece. youhave touched the hands ofa god in this writing. i relate,love it

loveit. loved it.


Larsen M. Callirhoe

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worm

It sounds the truth is only in preacher's hold, for nothing that is not sinful in my eyes, or rather in himself, for there is nothing without me. the best way out is to join his way.

 

dr_con, this form is so fresh to me, pity I am not able to follow the music in your mind. Hopefully, someday I will catch it.

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Aleksandra

Wow, Juris. Very good poem. The vision of the poem is good, and also the poem itself. This poem has a beat.

Thanks for sharing.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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