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Lake

Phoenix Mountain

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Lake

(An old poem but which I never managed to settle.)

 

Phoenix Mountain

 

I long for your swarthy face,

a mound of coal cinders where oaks and roses

devour your dark nutrients.

 

I long for the maze in caves,

the echoes of thrill and laughter,

the rugged stone-paved roads.

 

I long for your broad chest,

the shades of jade canopies in summer

and feathery blankets in winter.

 

I long for your rhythms of life -

the breathing of climbers, drops of sweat

and aged arms and legs playing Taichi.

 

I long for the smell of morning mist

slowly evaporating as an orange ball rises,

like Nezha, inhabited in lotus, reborn.

 

Blessed be Phoenix Mountain,

blessed the abandoned mines filtered, then filled

with clean water, over which egrets hover.

 

.

Edited by Lake

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worm

Hi Lake,

Phoenix catches me for we’ve got a Phoenix Tower. The mountain’s face, the maze(vein), the chest, the rhythms (pulse) are all interacted with some vivid imageries. It is so nurturing that I am quite sure the longs will never fail.

 

But there is a grit in S1, the word devour, a bit obtrusive, not in line with the overall flavor. Maybe Just for me.

 

The mountain is of flesh and blood in your nice poem.

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dr_con

I love it_really- What women see in men is a mystery to me (what they see in me is an infinite twisted enigma with mystery on top)- This to me, is a straight from the heart naturalist poem which explains to an idiot like me, what is seen, felt, heard and smelt in a direct and true way- If I have any advice: Make it more visceral- forget the 'proof of poetry' rather simplify- direct straight to the heart and just say, without pretense the unvarnished, raw nad absolute truth-

 

almost perfect Lake!

 

DC&J ;-)


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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Lake

worm,

 

Thanks for your take on this poem. You maybe right re the word "devour", though I have hoped not everything that's pretty deserves praise. I'll have another look at this.

 

Cheers,

 

Lake

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Lake
I love it_really- What women see in men is a mystery to me (what they see in me is an infinite twisted enigma with mystery on top)- This to me, is a straight from the heart naturalist poem which explains to an idiot like me, what is seen, felt, heard and smelt in a direct and true way-

 

Isn't it a joy to see what readers get from it?

 

If I have any advice: Make it more visceral- forget the 'proof of poetry' rather simplify- direct straight to the heart and just say, without pretense the unvarnished, raw nad absolute truth-

 

Advice well taken, Dr. This is what I'll work hard to achieve in the future.

 

Regards,

Lake

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tonyv

Lake, I don't understand your misgivings about this one. The first verse especially helps to set the poem's mood. (I, myself, like "devour," but "absorb," extract," and "indulge in" would work, too.)

 

I also like how you use the first three verses to describe the location, and then (in the fourth verse) you introduce the human element, those "rhythms of life":

 

the breathing of climbers, drops of sweat

and aged arms and legs playing Taichi.

 

The last verse is like a celebratory declaration. Renew!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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waxwings

This is breathtaking, I'd say beautiful if it were not obviously so w/o saying. There may be some fine distinction between my grasp of English and yours, but that is a minor problem easily rectified w/o altering the essential poem. I read it about a dozen times before commenting.

 

(An old poem but which I never managed to settle.)

 

Phoenix Mountain

 

I long for your swarthy face, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like the personification. It makes a hidden metaphor

a mound of coal cinders where oaks and roses

devour your dark nutrients. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nothing wrong w/devour! It is a good poetic exaggeration.

 

I long for the maze in of your caves, ~~~~~~ The caves are the maze, not a separate maze hidden in it.

the echoes of thrill and laughter, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm unsure a thrill is semantically parallel to 'laughter', or did you mean 'trill'.

the rugged, stone-paved roads. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A comma is proper and makes for better flow and pacing.

 

I long for your broad chest, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ more fantastic metaphor.

the shades of jade canopies in summer ~~~~~~~~~~~ Singular is expected/normal, unless you mean various shades of jade on that mountan

and the feathery blankets in winter. ~~~~~~~~~~ Use the article to be consistent, or omit "the" in previous line.

 

I long for your rhythms of life--- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'd use a double-em dash, works like a colon in prose/discourse.

the breathing of climbers, drops of sweat ~~~~~~ The simpler the idiom the sharper the emotion/poetry.

and aged arms and legs playing t'ai chi. ~~~~~~~~ per dictionary!

 

I long for the smell of morning mist

slowly evaporating as an orange ball rises, ~~~~~~~~~~~Why not "as it evaporates, when the orange (ball) (of the sun) rises."

like Nezha, inhibited in lotus, reborn. ~~~~~~~~~~ Do you mean 'restrained/held back/hampered by lotus, not "in"unless you mean 'hidden'.

 

Blessed be * Phoenix Mountain, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~an ", oh," or even "thou" for fuller rhythm and support of your reverence for it.

blessed the abandoned mines filtered, then filled ~~~~~~~ How does one filter a mine? "swept clean/pure" might be simpler.

with clean water, over which egrets hover. ~~~~~~~~~~~ I must assume an open pit mine, or, else, how can the egrets hover over water

 

.

Edited by waxwings

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Lake
Lake, I don't understand your misgivings about this one.

 

Tony, perhaps many people find it is harder to write praise and celebration than curses as the former tends to sound sickly, clichéd and overstated.

 

I also like how you use the first three verses to describe the location, and then (in the fourth verse) you introduce the human element, those "rhythms of life":

 

the breathing of climbers, drops of sweat

and aged arms and legs playing Taichi.

 

The last verse is like a celebratory declaration. Renew!

 

Glad you spot the human element which I intentionally tried to include for it is people that interest us more. And you're right again it is meant to be a praise and celebration poem.

 

Thank you, Tony for your read and comment. You're great interpreting others' works. I wish I would be able to do it.

 

Lake

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Lake

Hi waxwings,

 

Thanks for your time and specifics. They really help.

 

Phoenix Mountain

 

I long for your swarthy face, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like the personification. It makes a hidden metaphor

a mound of coal cinders where oaks and roses

devour your dark nutrients. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nothing wrong w/devour! It is a good poetic exaggeration. – Glad to know "devour" works. Actually, I was kind of hesitant at the time.

 

I long for the maze in of your caves, ~~~~~~ The caves are the maze, not a separate maze hidden in it. – "maze of your caves", ok it works better.

the echoes of thrill and laughter, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm unsure a thrill is semantically parallel to 'laughter', or did you mean 'trill'. – Good point, maybe "the echoes of screams and laughter"?

the rugged, stone-paved roads. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A comma is proper and makes for better flow and pacing. Yes.

 

I long for your broad chest, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ more fantastic metaphor.

the shades of jade canopies in summer ~~~~~~~~~~~ Singular is expected/normal, unless you mean various shades of jade on that mountan

and the feathery blankets in winter. ~~~~~~~~~~ Use the article to be consistent, or omit "the" in previous line. Will consider.

 

I long for your rhythms of life--- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'd use a double-em dash, works like a colon in prose/discourse. I meant a double-em dash like this " – ". Is it longer now? :)

the breathing of climbers, drops of sweat ~~~~~~ The simpler the idiom the sharper the emotion/poetry. I have thought about it: "breath" is a noun, I'd like to use a gerund to get an effect that a verb would create - energetic instead of static. You probably wouldn't agree with me. :icon_cool:

and aged arms and legs playing t'ai chi. ~~~~~~~~ per dictionary! This again is like the different spellings of Dao, Tao, T'ao. After all they all come from the Chinese pronunciation with some modification to help non-Chinese speakers. This is how a Chinese would say "taiji". But in order to have it recognizable, it might help to go with dictionary.

 

I long for the smell of morning mist

slowly evaporating as an orange ball rises, ~~~~~~~~~~~Why not "as it evaporates, when the orange (ball) (of the sun) rises." I'll rethink about the sentence structure, but right now I can change the ball to "the orange sun".

like Nezha, inhibited in lotus, reborn. ~~~~~~~~~~ Do you mean 'restrained/held back/hampered by lotus, not "in"unless you mean 'hidden'. :icon_redface: Oops, it is a typo, sb "inhabited". Thanks for pointing this out. Nezha, a deity in Chinese mythology, after he disemboweled himself in order to save his parents, his master, a Taoist immortal sage, used lotus blossoms to reconstruct a body for his soul to inhabit

 

Blessed be * Phoenix Mountain, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~an ", oh," or even "thou" for fuller rhythm and support of your reverence for it.

blessed the abandoned mines filtered, then filled ~~~~~~~ How does one filter a mine? "swept clean/pure" might be simpler. I meant the water is filtered. I have to admit I intended to use the internal rhyme, so filtered, filled. If it doesn't make sense, it can be edited.

with clean water, over which egrets hover. ~~~~~~~~~~~ I must assume an open pit mine, or, else, how can the egrets hover over water. It was once a site of coalmine, now reconstructed as a lake (no pun intended).

 

.

 

Whew, it must've taken more time for you to comment than me to reply. Many thanks for the fine details, waxwings.

 

Lake

Edited by Lake

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waxwings
Hi waxwings,

 

Thanks for your time and specifics. They really help.

 

Phoenix Mountain

 

I long for your swarthy face, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I like the personification. It makes a hidden metaphor

a mound of coal cinders where oaks and roses

devour your dark nutrients. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nothing wrong w/devour! It is a good poetic exaggeration. – Glad to know "devour" works. Actually, I was kind of hesitant at the time.

I long for the maze in of your caves, ~~~~~~ The caves are the maze, not a separate maze hidden in it. – "maze of your caves", ok it works better.

the echoes of thrill and laughter, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm unsure a thrill is semantically parallel to 'laughter', or did you mean 'trill'. – Good point, maybe "the echoes of screams and laughter"?

the rugged, stone-paved roads. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A comma is proper and makes for better flow and pacing. Yes.

I long for your broad chest, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ more fantastic metaphor.

the shades of jade canopies in summer ~~~~~~~~~~~ Singular is expected/normal, unless you mean various shades of jade on that mountan

and the feathery blankets in winter. ~~~~~~~~~~ Use the article to be consistent, or omit "the" in previous line.Will consider.

I long for your rhythms of life--- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'd use a double-em dash, works like a colon in prose/discourse. I meant a double-em dash like this " – ". Is it longer now? :)

the breathing of climbers, drops of sweat ~~~~~~ The simpler the idiom the sharper the emotion/poetry. I have thought about it: "breath" is a noun, I'd like to use a gerund to get an effect that a verb would create - energetic instead of static. You probably wouldn't agree with me. :icon_cool:

and aged arms and legs playing t'ai chi. ~~~~~~~~ per dictionary! This again is like the different spellings of Dao, Tao, T'ao. After all they all come from the Chinese pronunciation with some modification to help non-Chinese speakers. This is how a Chinese would say "taiji". But in order to have it recognizable, it might help to go with dictionary.

 

I long for the smell of morning mist

slowly evaporating as an orange ball rises, ~~~~ try "as it vanishes, when the orange (ball) (of the sun) rises." I'll rethink about the sentence structure, but right now I can change the ball to "the orange sun".

 

 

like Nezha, inhibited in lotus, reborn. ~~~~~~~~~~ Do you mean 'restrained/held back/hampered by lotus, not "in"unless you mean 'hidden'. :icon_redface: Oops, it is a typo, sb "inhabited". Thanks for pointing this out. Nezha, a deity in Chinese mythology, after he disemboweled himself in order to save his parents, his master, a Taoist immortal sage, used lotus blossoms to reconstruct a body for his soul to inhabit

But, in English, "inhabited in" is not the best accepted usage but 'inhabited by' is better; if you wish I can give longer explanation.

 

Blessed be * Phoenix Mountain, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~an ", oh," or even "thou" for fuller rhythm and support of your reverence for it.

blessed the abandoned mines filtered, then filled ~~~~~~~ How does one filter a mine? "swept clean/pure" might be simpler. I meant the water is filtered. I have to admit I intended to use the internal rhyme, so filtered, filled. If it doesn't make sense, it can be edited. ~~~~~ To me, filtered - filled is not a good vocalic echo, either true, sour or off rhyme and not the best alliteration.

with clean water, over which egrets hover. ~~~~~~~~~~~ I must assume an open pit mine, or, else, how can the egrets hover over water. It was once a site of coalmine, now reconstructed as a lake (no pun intended).

 

.

 

Whew, it must've taken more time for you to comment than me to reply. Many thanks for the fine details, waxwings.

 

Lake

Edited by waxwings

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Tinker

Hi Lake, This is beautiful. You have plenty of advise on the content already so I won't go there.

 

Since I work so much with form, I will confine my comments to the structure of this poem. I thought the tercets perfect for the towering image. I also enjoyed the sounds, the assonance and alliteration almost creating an echoing effect so appropriate inside the caves. It is apparent that much thought went into the framing of this piece as well as the content blending craft with soul wonderfully.

 

~~Tink


~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Lake

Hello Tinker,

 

Glad to see you coming back. It is a high praise from you on this poem. :icon_redface:

But I'm pleased that you see the effort I've put in though there are still areas that need improvement.

 

Thanks much and look forward to your new poems.

 

Lake

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Lake

Hi Waxwings,

 

Just want to let your know that I'm still pondering on your red/purple notes. A revision will be posted some time.

 

Thanks,

 

Lake

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waxwings
Hi Waxwings,

 

Just want to let your know that I'm still pondering on your red/purple notes. A revision will be posted some time.

 

Thanks,

 

Lake

 

You shouldnever (same applies to all others) rush into revision because of what or anyone else says. There is a high chance that the commentators view, no mater how educated/erudite is still one-sided, and only if others have similar comments should you change anything unless you yourself had doubts others re-inforce.

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