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Lake

I travel

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Lake

I travel

 

therefore, I am a dandelion;

my hair grows white, parachutes

ready to open as an excited butterfly

teases my cotton balls, shakes off

my tiny seeds, spreading them to

every corner where I root, stretch,

boogie on and upward, preparing

for another turbulent flight.

 

.

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tonyv

Delightful, Lake! I remember how I loved those little "cotton balls" when I was a kid. Now, I hate them; they remind me of cutting the grass. What a chore! Btw, I love how you add life to them:

 

... stretch,

boogie on and upward, preparing

for another turbulent flight.

Well done!

 

Tony


Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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waxwings

Wonderful, but I am not sure if it is a good current practice to have the title as the first line of a poem.

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Lake

Thanks Tony for the read and comment.

 

but I am not sure if it is a good current practice to have the title as the first line of a poem.

 

Neither am I, waxwing. Glad you noticed it. But does it work? I call it a run-on title.

 

Many thanks.

 

Lake

Edited by Lake

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waxwings
Thanks Tony for the read and comment.

 

but I am not sure if it is a good current practice to have the title as the first line of a poem.

 

Neither am I, waxwing. Glad you noticed it. But does it work? I call it a run-on title.

 

Many thanks.

 

Lake

Of course it works. But don't call it a 'run-on' title for that implies that you sugest the reader consider some number of the initial lines to be included as the title.

 

If you want , and I think you are entitled to, you can find another title that summarizes (provides a key to) your poem, and let this early title become a part of the poem.

 

All in all, we are not constrained to not to do anything in our poems that is against some popular majority opinion, but we must do it well enough where no one notices we are breaking THEIR rules.

Edited by waxwings

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dr_con

Lovely Lake! a Celebratory poem nice images strong focus... Allowed, allowed!? We don't need no stinking permission, we're poets! Gard-darn-it! ;-) It works for me but I ain't got any class nor edumacation;-(

 

Loved it!

 

DC&J


Join the Voodoo rEvolution. Classes forming now: http://www.integralvoodoo.org/

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Lake
but I am not sure if it is a good current practice to have the title as the first line of a poem.

 

I've been reading several books at the same time recently (at a very slow pace), not only have I read poems with a title as the first line of the poem, but also (more astonishingly) I've read a poem with a title that in a sense concludes the poem or serves as the last line of the poem. Interesting!

 

Thank you Dr. C for your words.

 

Lake

Edited by Lake

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waxwings
Lovely Lake! a Celebratory poem nice images strong focus... Allowed, allowed!? We don't need no stinking permission, we're poets! Gard-darn-it! ;-) It works for me but I ain't got any class nor edumacation;-(

 

Loved it!

 

DC&J

 

Do I sense a little bit of put-down? A poet does not necessarily need edumacation, but would be better off to have class, at least a little bit. Poetry is said to be a literary art. Can it exist in absence of literacy?

 

If this vere not a most excellent poem, I would just walk away, but I find inexcusable attempts by readers to gloss over a little bit of imprecision or inadvertent literary/linguistic gaucherie on the authors part.

 

I have more to say about the goodness of this poem in a post following that is directed at the author. Let us discuss the cons and pros once we have absorbed a bit more pertinent info.

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goldenlangur

Hi Lake,

 

I love the play on Descartes in your opening line:

 

 

I travel

 

therefore, I am a dandelion;

 

 

This is another playful and imaginative image:

 

... I root, stretch,

boogie on and upward,

 

 

I enjoyed this very much.


goldenlangur

 

 

Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying.

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JoelJosol

One would have thought the poem philosophical but turns out to be a light-hearted poem.


"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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waxwings
I travel

 

therefore, I am a dandelion;

my hair grows white, parachutes

ready to open as an excited butterfly

teases my cotton balls, shakes off

my tiny seeds, spreading them to

every corner where I root, stretch,

boogie on and upward, preparing

for another turbulent flight.

 

.

The idea of exploiting Descartes' idea is laudable. But he said, and please consider the grammatic/semantic construction:

 

"I think,

therefore I am."

In effect, he names a function, what he does, then uses that as a basis for concluding he exists. He does not say that him thinking makes him an entity of a kind that is capable of thinking. That would be comparable to you having said: "I travel, therefore I move." To fashion a poetic corollary to his phylosophical dictum you could have writtenn: I travel, therefore I am a tumbleweed." A tumbleweed can move while a dandelion can not. Thefore, you might say: "I spread (propagate), therefore I am a dandelion." or, even better: "I am a dandelion, therefore I propagate", because that you describe how is the real charm of the poem without any credit to Descartes.

 

The above is mostly my reaction to the thought someone offered (and not with a bad intention) that there is a greater correspondence between your neat image and Descartes' dictum.

 

As for punctuation, in this clever and enjoyable poem, a period should replace the semicolon, as is standard when the sentence following is totally independent of the previous one, independent because it does not serve to extend/complete the thought/theme but starts a detailed and very artistic view of how the dandelion accomplishes its intent already stated fully. And there is a comma in L2 that is likely to confuse, creating at least two different interpretations of what you are trying to say.

 

I apologize for not having enough time at this hour to provide greater detail. Let this not leave you with the thought that the poem-essential is other than perfect.

 

The argument re titles too must wait for later. Would you accept my though that, as written, your entire poem is a run-on title. Just because there was a time when it was fashionable to have the First Line of the POem be the Title, you a modern poet have no need for that. Of course modern poets may use a whole stanza , acouplet for a title, but do you plan that?

Edited by waxwings

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badger11
I travel

 

therefore, I am a dandelion;

my hair grows white, parachutes

ready to open as an excited butterfly

teases my cotton balls, shakes off

my tiny seeds, spreading them to

every corner where I root, stretch,

boogie on and upward, preparing

for another turbulent flight.

 

.

 

A delightful poem Lake. I would say that 'boogie' suggests fun and 'turbulent' doesn't. Love the title.

 

badge

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Lake

Thanks golden for mentioning Descartes. I need to look him up in order to know him better.

 

Thank you for reading and commenting.

 

Lake

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Lake
A delightful poem Lake. I would say that 'boogie' suggests fun and 'turbulent' doesn't. Love the title.

 

Hi badge,

 

Yes, you're right, on the one hand it is fun, on the other hand it is not.

Glad you liked the title.

 

Thank you very much!

 

Lake

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Lake

Thank you waxwings for coming back to it.

 

Honestly, I didn't mean to exploit Descartes' idea which I just heard from golden and you for the first time. I appreciate your explaining of his philosophical reasoning.

 

As for punctuation, I think you are right. L1 can ends with a period. Therefore the entire poem won't be a run-on title, would it?

 

I'm grateful for your in depth comment.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

Edited by Lake

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waxwings
Thank you waxwings for coming back to it.

 

Honestly, I didn't mean to exploit Descartes' idea which I just heard from golden and you for the first time. I appreciate your explaining of his phylosophical reasoning.

 

As for punctuation, I think you are right. L1 can ends with a period. Therefore the entire poem won't be a run-on title, would it?

 

I'm greatful for your in depth comment.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

 

Since you did not deliberately draw a paralel to Descartes bon mot, the word "therefore" becomes non-functional, grammatically or syntactically. In effect, you (the dandelion) do not do all those things because you travel.

 

Quite the contrary, you travel but only in terms of all that the poem says you do. You could say, " I travel BECAUSE etc.

 

Eliminating "therefore", you 'salvage' a very effective title, avoid being accused of a long passe practice of writing a poem without a title (poem known by its first line only) and the possibility readers thinking you are imitating Descartes, as well as let standthat marvelous metaphor of a dandelion.

 

BTW, a well known poet once said, "Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal." That is to say, it is OK to borrow another poets idea or words wholesale but not hide their identity by making an analogy, a thing where the parts of speech are arranged in the same order, but where, more or less, each noun, verb, adjective and adverb is replaced by another not having same denotation. That too has been done, in those poems that are considered most clever parodies of the original, and are considered by the author of the original as high praise of her/his art.

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Lake
One would have thought the poem philosophical but turns out to be a light-hearted poem.

 

Hi Joel,

 

Sorry I missed your reply. Thanks for your comment.

I've never been philosophical, what I wanted to paint is the life experience of immigrants or wanderers.

Maybe I shouldn't have said it to limit the reader's interpretation.

 

Thanks much!

 

Lake

Edited by Lake

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Lake

Thanks again waxwings for your time, analysis and advice.

 

I've read your critiques several times and I really appreciate your help.

 

As I said before I've never been philosophical, and doubt I will be, but I don't have any objection to the thought that this poem is philosophical. On the contrary, I'm quite happy the reader can read more than what I intended.

 

It seems that you didn't like the title at first, now you don't like the opening either. I'll ponder on your well thought words. You have good suggestions, but for the moment though, I'll let the poem sit for a while.

 

Kind regards,

 

Lake

Edited by Lake

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Aleksandra

Nice poem, Lake. I love how it starts. This one applies to life itself...

It's a pleasure to read this poem.

 

Aleksandra


The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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rumisong

I love the opening here especially- GREAT Philosopher Dandelion riffing on its take of "I think therefore I am"

 

and seriously, who's going to argue with a dandelion?

 

the greatest of the philosophers are those whos logic you cant (wouldnt want to) argue with :)

 

light and airy work

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